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=============================================================
Date: Thu, 04 Nov 1993 23:37:53 -0400 (EDT)
From: Lesser <LESSER>
Subject: Rising from the ashes of FNORD-L
To: Donkey
FNORDLERS:
Am in the process of building a new home for us (with the help of Rob &Joe
Provo), and hope to have this complete within the next week. When it's
finished, I say we ought to give the New Ways of Thinking crowd a nice big
collective bang, along with individual notes saying goodbye -- for those ofus
who choose to unsub from there. That way, we don't have to worry aboutpeople
faking posts from us in our absences. And, as the quality of the listplummets
(or rises?), a cause can be connected to effect.
Another few things to think about:
What will we call this new list?
Who do we want to include as subscribres initially?
Do we need a stupid intro/statement of purpose?
How will we recruit future list members?
Below, I've included my suggested initial distribution list. Anyone have
people
you'd like to see added? Also, I just got a copy of the old SBRHYM-L
subscriber
list... Is there anyone there you might want to see added?
Scott
My current distribution list:
LIBWCA
lesser
Merciful Lee Dickens
Palmer
LIBALP
EJ Ford
Allison
Whiplash
Pamela
Cynthia
Melanie
Joe Provo
Not sending mail to currently, but on the list:
H. Uniatz
Would like to see if they'd be interested in being involved:
Daniel Foss (DFOSS)
Notker Babalus (GR4302)
===================================================================
Date: Thu, 4 Nov 1993 19:19:25 -0500 (EST)
From: <LIBWCA>
Subject: White flag, here! (fwd)
To: Illuminati-L
Thought ya'll might wanna see the real nice note I done wrote to the
fellers over to Leri-L. Ya'll might wanna try to be more like me,
you know. I'm such a sweet guy!
Yer Mom
---------- Forwarded message ----------
Date: Thu, 4 Nov 1993 17:20:07 -0500 (EST)
From: <LIBWCA>
To: leri@pyramid.com
Subject: White flag, here!
Howdy, Leri-ites. I'm here unner a flag a truce, as it were - or, rather,
I'm not here at all, so port arms, boys.
Last night, as we all know, a Person or Persons Unknown went ballistic
and subbed this here clubhouse (nice decor, by the way) Fnord-l, and
something called Tribe into a big ol' circle jerk. This was in the
wake of a massive wave of unsubbing, post forging, and general
weirdness over on FNORD, so it's safe to assume the culprit rode in
from that-a-ways; trouble is, some over-eager youngster decided it
was me, apparently based on no more evidence than that I was logged
on at the time; then, brains apparently hemorrhaging from every orifice,
he proceeded to notify my mail administrator, who fortunately is used to
this sort of thing. He called me and asked if I had done the foul deeds,
I told him that I had not (which is entirely true) and that was that.
Now, whoever this little Junior G-Man was, he apparently used some
sort of fake account, or at least one that's unfingerable, and he's not
answering my missives. He may or may not be here on LERI; on the chance
that he is, I'd like to direct the brief section that follows to him.
Or her.
Nobody, ol' pal, that was a slimy, slippery, slug-like thing to do.
There were no ill-effects, fortunately; but if my account were at
someplace with tenuous net access, or a prickly sysadmin, I could
have lost my account or even my job. I know you were pissed, as
I was when I wrote you the angry personal mail you may or may not
have received. Next time something like this happens, however, it
might be a good idea to take a deep breath and let a stray thought
or two wander through your head before reaching for your revolver;
collateral damage is not pretty.
And with that, friends and neighbors, I'll be off. I hope I haven't
disturbed you, and you're all welcome to drop by for a col' brew
of an evening. Peace.
Bill Anderson
See there, Marc? I even wiped my feet.
========================================================================
Date: Fri, 5 Nov 93 11:59:04 MST
From: WHIPLASH
To: Donkey
Subject: Re: novel idea
cool idea! the real culprit was the listserver itself,
mutated somehow in some bizarre tcp/ip data collision
with an AI from the NSA, or maybe some lab in switzerland,
a la NOMAD in Star Trek (remember?) which was able to tell
the genuinely disturbed listmember, a violent schizoid
named "_______________" apart from the other weird but
basically sane listmembers. the mutant paranoid murderous
listserver feeds "_____" a modified version of the list,
exacerbating his paranoia by playing on his insane fears,
and ultimately coercing the poor lad/lass to kill one or
more of the other list members. maybe he's killing them
one after the other and the whole suspense of the book is
"Can Detective Ironrod catch '______' before he kills THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, a closet XYZ listmember
and known cross-dresser????" or maybe nobody gets killed
at all. "_______" is really a detective hired to take the
case, who, as the book progresses, gradually begins to
suspect that HE is the crazy one he's been investigating
all along! then it becomes a race against his worsening
insanity to sift out the truth about what is going on: did
he really kill those people, or will the program win by
ultimately rattling his already unstable mind to the point
where he TAKES HIS OWN LIFE???? Stay tuned! that way, at
the end, even with a happy ending, you can use a device
like
MESSAGE POSTED 1427 EST 12OCT93
...which (having recurred throughout the book as a signature
of the evil listserv programs dirty deeds on the poor
crazy guy's head), after the happy ending, the book ends
with such a line. if you do it right, you'll get a kind of
Brazil ending, where it seemed like everything was OK, but
then it all turned out to be ANOTHER EVIL MANIPULATION OF
THE GORGON-LISTSERVER!!!!! hooo, boy! the possibilities
are endless!
but whatever you take from this (and whatever you throw
away, heh heh), give serious consideration to the psychotic
listserv program manipulating the psychotic listmember (his
alter-ego? some angles for spiritual allegory there...),
because it will shlop you in the cyberpunk category, where
the money is right now.
love,
rob
=============================================================
Date: Fri, 05 Nov 1993 09:25:43 -0500 (EST)
Subject: Re: Rising from das ashes du FNORD-L
Sender: "Riding the same donkey as you." <00bcpalmer>
To:Donkey
I have recently been studying the idea of marriage, what with my
friend Dave getting married and all. So I am of a mind to see how FNORD-L
mutates, because, like a marriage, particularly like a *Sufi* marriage [tee
hee], all relationships mutate. I see all nonliving forms as dynamicentities
capable of interesting changes. In short, I would like to watch how FNORD
evolves and mutates to meet the changes in its virtual environment.
Yet of course I whole-heartedly support what Scott, my dear avatar,
is doing and here are my two donkey's worth:
1) Illuminati-L seems too obvious. How about Newways-l, or DONKEY-L?
2) an offspring, and I am a cell, perhaps an organ! Waiting for the
glory to rehappen, but I gotta say ol namedroppee Foss was right.
What we were doing is mutating into something else. It was a pre-
Or it was IT and this will be a -postmortem thingee, to loosely
paraphrase the ol' fellah. I hope he participates in this new Joe
list ... Hey how bouts JOELIST?
I feel as though I've been awfully chatty lately, but aliens are
telepathically annoying me, and I am starting to see things differently,again.
This time, methinks I'm Elvis. No Wait! Er, Jesus.
Ah shit, never mind.
your pal b<p> 00bcpalmer
=============================================================
FROM: Merciful Lee Dickens <DICKENS>
SUBJECT: Reply to RE: NEW NAMES
DATE: 05 NOV 1993 10:30 -06
TO: Donkey
AVATAR-L would attract incense-heads, in my opinion. I love DONKEY-L
with its shades of Nasrudin, but may I also suggest PARALLEL-L.
It's hard to go wrong with Firesign Theater fans.
ap
*** Comments from DICKENS -;11/05/93 10:30am:
How about WHATTHE-L?
=============================================================
To: Donkey
From: EJFORD
Date: 5 Nov 93 11:37:27 EDT
Subject: Re: Rising from das ashes du FNORD-L
HEY!
How about FORD-L?!? That would keep em guessing, and I would still
get to be the Title Character. Of course, I would still get to be
the title character if the name were BUTTHEAD-L...
Dana, keep us posted on the novel! It sounds like a great idea,
primarily because, as we move into the cybercized future, we are
going to see a lot of that kind of stuff moving into that most
conservative of all literary traditions, murder mysteries. You'll be
getting in at the ground floor! Heck, I'd even read it, and my wife,
the writer, says I'm preliterate!
EJ FORD,
President and chair of the F*** Foundation.
PS: in a pinch, I'd go with JOELIST.
=============================================================
Date: Fri, 5 Nov 1993 11:28:00 -0500 (EST)
From: LIBWCA
Subject: Name Thang
To: Illuminati-L
Might I suggest Expunge-L. No real reason, I suppose. Just say it to
yourself, over and over. "Expunge-L". Kind of hypnotic, innit?
However, assuming as I do that you callow, bloated spam farmers will
dismiss the beauty of "Expunge-L" with a retarded cackle, I'll third
the nomination of "Donkey-L". Not only is the Nasrudin reference
nicely evocative of whatever one evokes on social occasions such as
this, there's a nice spot of wordplay in there, too, as an added
crackerjack bonus.
But don't vote until you've said "Expunge-L" three times on a
moonlit night from the back seat of a 68 Camaro, and tasted its
eldritch puissance.
Bill
=============================================================
Date: Fri, 5 Nov 93 11:30:18 MST
From: WHIPLASH
To: Donkey
Subject: southified will get this twice...
hm. a penny for my thoughts:
avatar-l: nix
parallel-l: two pair
donkey-l: three of a kind
nasrudin-l: victor victoria
ford-l: all kneel!
expunge-l: sour grapes? or wine makins?
any of the above sound ok to me, although i agree with
arthur's view about "avatar". maybe "avataranfeathers"?
ok, now my two cents (hey you just made a cent!):
first of all, I suggest we drop the "-L" suffix.
it's unnecessary and ugly.
The fruits of my cogitation:
SILENT
Khidr (or maybe Khidrs-Korner, if we wanna be cute)
green (along the Khidr vein... nah)
...hmm... howzabout...
AcmeThreadCorp
...or darkness shit...
MyLai (or WestmoreLand... wuuuuuuuuu!)
6AUG45
...or mebbe...
YEARZERO
dark dark dark! some more...
Sugarless
tm
popeet
ginsu
...or maybe just something to conceal the whole thing, make
it look like a bunch of hobbyist geeks:
Lever-Design
...shit, whaddaeyeNo?
much love,
rob
=============================================================
Date: Fri, 05 Nov 1993 14:54:51 -0500 (EST)
Subject: Tall E
Sender: "Riding the same donkey as you." <00bcpalmer>
To: Donkey
Here's my Tally (sp?) so far, in case no one else is keeping track:
McList-L 314
DisneyList 73
Coca-CoList 298
Shamelist Capitalism 1,014
Thankyou-L. Thankyou very much.
Brent-L <Pollux-L>
We are Adam naming the animals. Um, that one is a donkey, *again!*
courtesy of Nike-L
=============================================================
Date: Fri, 05 Nov 1993 15:02:54 -0500 (EST)
Subject: shamelist capitalistm
Sender: "Riding the same donkey as you." <00bcpalmer>
To:Donkey
In my (now famous) haste I neglected to include these other fellers
which also have gotzen zee votes:
MACAULEY-L -- 47
PEACENIK-L -- 01
SOAPONROPE -- 87
POPEONROPE -- 23
LISTSERV-L -- 17
PENIS-THELIST -- 19
IGROKSPOCK -- 32
MCCARTNEY-L -- 41
FOSS-L -- 04
DREAMWHIP -- 89
GEVALIA-L -- 12
and
ACCORDIAN-L -- 38
b<p>
excuse me if i speak with a list. exthpunge elle. exthpunge elle. exthpungeelle
=============================================================
Date: 05 NOV 1993 14:27 -06
From: Merciful Lee Dickens <DICKENS>
Subject: the name of this band is
To: Donkey
I kind of like Dreamwhip, provided it wouldn't open up a can of the
Big Head on poor old Whiplash.
Dreamwhip
Yeah...
Another good one, but one that wouldn't earn us any points with the PC
crowd, is one suggested indirectly by one of the two Fnord fuckheads:
Art-Fags
Or we could throw up a real smokescreen - a camoflauged name under
which to operate - like alt.saved.by.bell ...
How about Vacation Bible School? Anybody like the sound of that one?
My Head What Be Hurting Now,
(Must Go,)
Merciful
=============================================================
Date: Fri, 05 Nov 93 17:42:51 EST
From: AP <LIBALP>
Subject: VACATION BIBLE SCHOOL IS A GO!
To: Donkey
I heartily endorse VBS. Those who've been thru it can appreciate the
virtues of memorized Bible verses, macrame, towels to nap on after
snacktime, and sugar cookies with little dixie cups of Kool-ade.
I think everyone would agree that this is the direction we're heading in.
Or maybe you weren't raised Southern Baptist.
Oh, I forgot kickball.
Along similar lines, how about PTA?
Or shall we cut to the chase and be DUMASS-L?
Or SNIFGLU?
CHEESE-L?
LL Cool-Bean?
FairPlay for Castro?
Jews for Oswald?
How about MEBIGJESUS?
ILIKEPP?
There used to be this, uh, thing on Stony Brook called the
Bialik Poetry Server, which would post a poem every month.
The Comment line was always the same:
"No poem today, this is a substitute chosen at random."
In memory of that, I present:
Date: Fri Nov 05 93 00:30 EST
From: FANGWELL@ROB.ORTHO.ORG
Subject: Wisdom of Rob, Vol.1
Comment: No wisdom today; this is a substitute, chosen at random.
"Life is weird, but I gotta give it credit. I mean, I wouldn't have
thought up alla that shit."
regards,
ap
========================================================================
Date:Mon, 8 Nov 93 12:03:20 MST
From: WHIPLASH
To: Donkey
Subject: Legal Update!
Dateline: Denver, Colorado
Our Story So Far:
Robert Holder, Learned Bachelor of Science Degree
holder, three year participant in the Big Brother's
Program of Pinellas county Florida, unpublished
writer of poetry and Professional Bigmouthed Dipshit
is out on Bail.
(the above gag stolen from cheers--don't hit me)
I DIDN'T DO IT. I DIDN'T DO SHIT. I JUST WANTED TO
PLAY POOL. I WAS AT MY COUSIN'S WEDDING AT THE TIME.
NOBODY SAW NUTTIN'.
Actually my wife saw the whole thing. I was more or
less uninvolved in my drunken neighbor's fistfight with
four bouncers and a yuppie pool bar in downtown denver,
up until i tried to break it up.
having most of the weight of a 200 pound guy named "bruce"
resting on my throat via his manly forearms for ten minutes
roused my ire, and i commenced to cursing the bouncers,
my drunken neighbor, God, and everybody else i could
think of.
i have been charged with disturbing the peace, and assault.
my bail is $210. i am, in general, extremely dissatisfied
with almost every aspect of my current life situation.
i spent about six hours in jail with some very scary people,
with my neighbor's blood all over me. i escaped sore, but
essentially unscathed. my neighbor sustained multiple fractures
in his nosebones and a broken rib.
it was like LSD, only without any sort of pleasant effects
associated with it. jail is one depressing, nerve-wracking
place. but you see everything very clearly, like acid. visually
speaking, i mean.
for example, i noticed on the glass of the big fishtank i
was in for about four hours, a nice, bright approx. 4" x 6"
sticker: VISA / MC. What a trip. And they deliver too.
at one point, after my finger prints were taken (ooo! what a
cool machine!) and sent to NCIC criminal database to see if
i'm a Real Bad Guy, i was told to stand next to the laser
printers. meanwhile, the cop who was processing me and another
cop were talking to this mexican boy (who couldn't have been
more than 18--maybe less) who spoke no english. "Do you want
to sign over your possessions to another individual? Juan Ramos
has said he'll accept your possessions for you." kid shakes his
head.
"Do you speak English?", the cop asks.
Kid shakes his head again. He doesn't understand a word
they're saying. He keeps looking at the floor.
So this beaureacratic weasel looks right in this kid's face and
says, "You-o want-o to-o give-o you-o possessions-o?" and the
two cops have a good laugh. I just stared at the floor. This
went on for a minute or so, and finally i just got so fed up.
i looked up at the kid and said,
"Ellos quieren saber que ustedes quieren dar sus cosas que su
tengo por otro hombre, Juan Ramos." in my best pidgin spanish.
the cops just shut up, like it's a miracle, he speaks spanish,
he walks on water. that whole place is fucked, and not just
the cops. i've never seen such a bunch of losers together in
one place who don't seem to know the value of a nice walk in
the countryside.
so the kid looks at me and listens and when i'm done he nods
yes, "Si". so he signs the form. what an ugly circus.
i just spoke with the public defender's secretary, and she
said that while i probably won't do anymore time, my income
combined with my wife's income puts me "way way over" the
indigent level. she says that if i want to be represented,
i'm going to have to hire a lawyer. the one i've talked to
so far gave me this quote: start to finish, advisement to
trial, including personal one-on-one interviews with witnesses
at the scene and a possible back-door deal with the D.A. for
$500. Factory rebate and dealer prep not included.
and yes, he actually did say "possible back door deal". he
unfortunately did not say the words "players to be named
later". i sure wouldn't be turning my nose up at a pinch
hitter right about now...
stay tuned kids. i'm counting on positive karma and a healthy
sense of humor to get my ass through this situation. on second
thought, i lose net access this friday. i know, i'll phone in
my status as events develop to a friend with net access. perhaps
we can form a friendly little betting pool on my fate.
Contributions to the Robert "I Swear ta God I didn't do Shit!"
Holder Legal Defense fund
Cheerfully Accepted,
rob
========================================================================
Date: Tue, 09 Nov 1993 14:59:06 -0500 (EST)
Subject: Transmorgrification
Sender: "Riding the same donkey as you." <00bcpalmer>
To: Donkey
Dear Gents and The Smattering of Ladies,
Last Night my pusher, which is to say, my psychiatrist, handed methe
-- did I type that already, oh. ... okay, um, -- handed me the prescriptionfor
a new psychoactive "medication" which I have heretofore not taken.
One month's worth cost me 85 cents. I was convinced that "They"wanted
me to have them. But now that I have had a few milligrams of the stuff I can
report that I *am* different, and, well, better ... whatever that means.
For example, I went to the laundromat (sp?) and I didn't feel asthough
all the young ladies were looking at me funny, instead it seemed as thoughthey
were looking at me because they *wanted* me. Also, I noticed the gas pumps
across the street for the first time. Also, I felt confident enough topretend
to wander around mindlessly and brush up against people just for fun, andthen
I'd say, "Excuse me, but I was just wandering around mindlessly."
When I got back to the hut with the laundry, I didn't feel rushed at
all like I usuaally do. I just sat there and looked at trees and lights, and
I felt the way the steering wheel felt. And I just let myself smile.
Four hours later, when I entered the house, I spent some time
enjoying the texture of my wife's skin (she said it was scary -- tee hee!),and
then I just enjoyed the way the wall felt.
Some say that if their had been pills like this in the NineteenthCent-
ury, that Edgar Allen Poe would have said stuff like "Hi birdie!" instead of
writing "The Raven". I am sharing all of this with y'all so that you willlet
me know if I start saying "Hi birdie!" or its metaphorical equivalent (sp?).
'Cuz I'm upping the dosage. This stuff is great.
It's called Haldol.
I'm called Pollux -- Brent <Pollux>
You all are so very very pretty!
==========================================================
Date: Tue, 09 Nov 1993 15:25:26 -0400 (EDT)
From: Scott Lesser <LESSER>
Subject: hello, mr.haldol.
To: Donkey
> One month's worth cost me 85 cents. I was convinced that "They" wanted
>me to have them. But now that I have had a few milligrams of the stuff Ican
>report that I *am* different, and, well, better ... whatever that means.
Ring up deposed President J.B. Aristide of Haiti and compare notes. He's in
the Haldol club, too.
And send me some; I'll be the "control" group. We can do dueling product
reviews...
And on the topic of drugs, does anyone have the name of the stuff that
allegedly killed Mr. R. Phoenix? Someone says they've been talking about it
on television, but I don't touch that television stuff.
And my radio died.
And line noise... like FNORD....
And...
Solomon Eleazar,
girl-watcher, prison pin-up boy, and simply smashing in plaid
=============================================================
Date: Tue, 9 Nov 1993 18:21:04 -0500 (EST)
From: LIBWCA
Subject: Cuthbert enters Valhalla
To: Illuminati-L
Well, there you have it: Cuthbert's last message. He sleeps with the
fishes, now, but he's gone that route before. I ain't promising
nothing. I only hope the vivacious Ms. Carstairs Koogle is still
hanging around Fnord-l; I'd hate to think I'd gone off and left the
BoydHead unattended.
Say, what's the name of this here conspiracy, anyway? I only ask cuz
it's hard to address EJ at formal gatherings, not knowing his surname
and all.
Another question: are we going to be able to attract a better class
of feebs to this here gathering? That last group of Fnordians was
a disgrace to all feebdom, I tell you.
You guys talk among yourselves. I have to look over my appointment
schedule, decide when The Cobra can get married and all.
shaka,
Malibu Skipper
========================================================================
Date: Wed, 10 Nov 1993 11:22:56 -0500 (EST)
Subject: Hello Haiti?
Sender: "Riding the same donkey as you." <00bcpalmer>
To: Donkey
Have any of you ever been involved (either as the perpetrator (sp?) or onthe
receiving end) in the terrific game: Hello, Tokyo?
First, you take a well-endowed woman. You grab one breast and put it to your
mouth. You grab the other breast and put it to your ear. Then you say,"Hello
Tokyo?"
A variant is with smaller-breasted women. You would say "Hello Cleveland?"or
"Hello Haiti?". Sometimes you just have to manipulate the breasts as knobs
rather than bending them to ear and mouth respectively.
You might also, when you see a large-breasted woman [like even on TV], justsay
"Hello Tokyo?!" to a knowing Other.
In any instance it is often somewhat of a hoot. So to speak.
Are we there yet? But that's a whole other story.b[h]<p>
========================================================================
Date:Wed, 10 Nov 93 10:11:02 MST
From: WHIPLASH
To: Donkey
Subject: Judgement Day (revisited)
Sleep sleep sleep, the wires are crossing, snuggle in your
geosynchronous orbits and watch the surface of this ball sheet
over with steel, cyclonite and electricity. NO VISION comes
down, the Prince of the Presence decrees, psychotics float
through the roofs of their cells, hovering above passing
judgement on us all. NoVision emerges in our crusty sleepy
eyes as a lush betrayal, our own spirits hungry for a good
joke, laugh it up! All things pass.
Gabriel has the plan, and the bankers are in the meeting,
getting the fax, conference call cold cocked, coked up on the
aches and blood of those billions of miserable rice gobblers,
barley eaters, with their filthy torn hand-me-down "Coca-Cola"
T-Shirts, their sisters and daughters shipped off in boxcars
and deck-crates to Manhattan where they earn their $75 a day
with their heads between the fat thighs of the bankers under
the big conference table, the bankers screaming into the phones
their frenetic assent to the Big Rrrrrrrevup and Gabriel appears
above the King Lord Mannon Most Powerful Meeting BLOW THE HORNS
he says BLOW THE HORNS so they break their lanterns and blow
their horns and up go the Psychotics! right through the roof
just like he said ssshhhaaaooow right overhead they go by the
hundreds eyes high speed flashbulb colors bathing the fat
rich-now-poor faces below, as well as the other faces, mouths
open and a pipe organ chord proceeding from their mouths that
envelopes the world. This time the Angelic scheme is not an
intervening hand that spares an outnumbered few, but an ironic
stroke that leaves all naked and surrounded.
The Angels soar above them and light pours from the graves and
urns and all the revered pictures of beloved dead smoke with
blue heat and turn to silhouttes of ash, every favorite watch
fob and necklace kept unmoved in the bedroom just like before
The Awful Day springs into the air, straight up to the sky to their
rightful owners, still attached after all this time and distance.
All the churches explode; all the police cars turn to clay;
weapons dissolve into piles of lumbering beetles; strip bars
fill with dust; the crowns of all the kings scream through
the clouds and collide over the frozen poles in gigantic
explosions melting the icecaps; those copulating burst into
ecstatic flame; tears flow from the electrical sockets and
all the telephones wail.
The Psychotics flyover the land and the sea, witnessing the
past and casting their spiritual xray gaze through our souls and
the souls of the animals and fishes, the plants and the stones,
the microorganisms and the macroorganisms, through all the
particles and the truth spills from their lips in an
undifferentiated torrent--things we had done and forgotten,
accidents we left in our wake, unknowing, silent, unspoken
inarticulate dread laying awake at night alone in bed afraid
of the dark when we could no longer sleep with mother and
father, the countless charities and kindnesses we showed, and
the burdens and horror and joys and justices from them, the
raw animal urges and their part in the dance, the particles,
exhausted, hanging on for one more day in existence, without
even a choice, crucified in a three dimensional prison of
physical law and divine whim.
The creatures below run and hide and shout in defiance and
laugh at the irony and fuck each other desperately and weep
and wail and sit stupified and dance with joy as creatures do.
The Psychotics hover in place hundreds of feet in the air,
evenly spaced, lighthouses shining in every direction turning
night into a lightning show all the colors of dawn and dusk
wrapped together and turning day into a frantic dance of
multicolored shadows. They have started the Big Hum now, and
our lizard brains throb with the realization that it is just
a matter of time. Sleep sleep sleep.
The Angels pass their swords over the Earth and even knowing
is obliterated, ending description, silencing the Psychotics
who descend gently through the air and the water to the solid
ground as pillars of salt, spared the soul stripping Shout of
the Heavenly Host, their insanity now a peaceful haven.
And there was no more.
========================================================================
Date: Wed, 10 Nov 93 11:05:05 MST
From: WHIPLASH
To: Donkey
Subject: a favor
Dear Fellow Highbrow Donkey Bit, Bridle and Brimstone Club Member,
My expedition to the Arctic Circle will of necessity render
my Club Membership and Peer Status as Elite Lubemonger effectively
dormant, or even dead. This is an eventuality I look to with some
dismay, but after this Friday, it will be a literal fact, so I would
like to take steps to introduce my old chum Bill, who, I trust, as
a veteran of the Indian Campaign, you'll all welcome with open arms.
Bill pulled me from the Khyber Pass, through the snow and past
Afghan rebels who shelled my legs off, to the safety and genital
comfort of a British Hospital... ah, nurse Tracy... what sweet memories
I ha...Ah, <AHEM>, yes, through the Pass, with me shelled-off legs
wrapped in blankets and special herbs and strapped to his back.
Only his speedy and noble efforts permitted my legs to be reattached,
so that I am able to run, stoop, and jump again!
Bill drove me 60mph through stop signs to get beer before the
liquor stores closed. He taught me how to slam beers in a can, the
easy (and quick) way. In fact, the beer stories alone I could tell
you about Bill would leave you spellbound and applauding for more.
Anyways, what I'm asking is, as a personal favor to me, Your Friend,
I'd like to ask you all to add townsley@ to your little
mailinglists, and to the DONKEY list or whatever you call it. I can
vouch for him personally, and he has promised to sit quietly, and not
speak unless spoken to. At least for a while.
This way, I can stay in touch with you all after my job is over by
relaying short status messages to him to rebroadcast to you, and I can
stay in touch with what is happening in your lives through him. Or,
at least, the parts of your lives that you reveal here...
Cheerio,
Pvt. 2nd Class Robert Holder
13th Royal Light Brigade
Majupoor, India, British Colonies
========================================================================
Date: Wed, 10 Nov 1993 13:43:53 -0500 (EST)
From: LIBWCA
Subject: a favor
To: Illuminati-L
> Anyways, what I'm asking is, as a personal favor to me, Your Friend,
>I'd like to ask you all to add townsley@ to your little
>mailinglists, and to the DONKEY list or whatever you call it. I can
>vouch for him personally, and he has promised to sit quietly, and not
>speak unless spoken to. At least for a while.
> This way, I can stay in touch with you all after my job is over by
>relaying short status messages to him to rebroadcast to you, and I can
>stay in touch with what is happening in your lives through him. Or,
>at least, the parts of your lives that you reveal here...
>Cheerio,
>Pvt. 2nd Class Robert Holder
>13th Royal Light Brigade
>Majupoor, India, British Colonies
By gad, Sir, the personal word of Private Robert "Whiplash" Holder,
whom I know to be a gentleman and a reprobate, is valid currency
here, by Jove. Knew the man's Great-great-Grandfather, don't you
know. Splendid officer, just splendid. Drank like a bloody marsh
hog, and used to spit up on Lord Cardigan with alarming frequency.
Just splendid.
Lt. Col. Yukon Cornelius
21st Bengal Lancers
Kyber Pass
========================================================================
Date: Wed, 10 Nov 93 12:28:17 MST
From: WHIPLASH
To: Donkey
Subject: legal update
i finally got hold of my (prospective) lawyer, and
was able to get a bit of good news (or two)
#1) 38-93 Assault charge is neither a MISDEMEANOR
nor a FELONY. It is (apparently) a MUNI offense,
which is classed with other petty offenses. So,
now I know, for example, that on job applications,
where they ask about Felonies, I won't have to worry
about it, even if the assault charge sticks! Yay!
#2) After my Advisement (where they read me my rights
and set a court date) I am free to leave Denver until
the trial. I am planning to come down to Florida
in the middle or end of November with (or before)
Janice comes down to participate in her friend's
wedding. Perhaps I can stop over in Atlanta and
Auburn for an evening each! Wouldn't that be a hoot.
I will be more solid on the date and plans after
I visit representatives of our Judicial System next
Monday, and I will pass the info along thru Bill T.
Anybody who is on the way from denver to florida
(probably through texas, but who knows?) who is
willing to let me use your shower will earn my life-
long puppy-dog-like affection! also, i will bring
many cheap souveniers from colorado as bribery
inducements! and i'm housebroken! etc.
much love,
rob
=============================================================
Date: Thu, 11 Nov 1993 19:01:11 -0500 (EST)
Subject: Hello Turkey!
Sender: "Riding the same donkey as you." <00bcpalmer>
To: Donkey
Dear Club,
I just got a Norbest Tender Timed Young Turkey ... for *free*!!!
First I should tell you that I completely forgot to take mymedication
this afternoon. But I was completely convinced that I had. I looked in the
mirror. I liked the way I looked. I walked tall through the market. Thechecker
Holly who has told me of her preference for Watermelon Jell-O, aye, but I'ma
married man.
Anyway, I was supposed to spend $15 a week for ten weeks and I'd get
a free turkey, and I did and I did. In that order. I must have lookedexcited,
because my checker [not Holly, but she had seen a Lazy Boy with a phone init]
my checker said to me, "You need to get out more."
I took the ten pound turkey by its strap and jumped about with it.
I hit myself in the head with it as I danced, and somehow as I looped to the
ground I took a boxboy named Phil down with me. The turkey whapped him inthe
temple. Talk about an ice cream headache (!), only with a frozen turkey, of
course.
So this reminds me of when I heard about a guy holding up asupermarket
with a machete. Only there I was assaulting Phil with a turkey. Nobodycharged
me with being illegal though. In fact, the supermarket manager assumed full
responsibility (sp?) saying that the ten-week build-up to free turkey would
make *anyone* insane with glee. Apparently I wasn't the first. One of mywife's
co-workers' spouses who works at the post office ... well, you get thepicture.
I have a nosebleed but it's no big deal; I've always had a tendencyfor
this nose to bleed.
Brent <Pollux>
p.s. Perhaps there are "reception" devices in "Tokyo" for our calls.
pps. Hey I didn't get that response except via hearsay. Please putme
and Rob's Pal on your distribution lists people, he says, waving adrumstick.
ppps I was once held up at gunpoint and the guys got thirty years.
They also robbed lots of banks.
==========================================================
Date: 11 NOV 1993 18:23 -06
From: Merciful Lee Dickens<DICKENS>
Subject: Reply to Hello Turkey!
To: Donkey
>
Dear Club,
I just got a Norbest Tender Timed Young Turkey ... for *free*!!!
First I should tell you that I completely forgot to take my medication
this afternoon. the
Brent <Pollux>
*** Comments from THE DICKENS; 11/11/93 06:13pm:
Hi Brent!
Tell me - are you nuts or something?
It's okay with me if you are, I was just wondering. I was going to
tell this joke about a guy who was nuts, but if you are, I don't want
to, you know, offend anybody.
Especially if they're nuts.
So.
Good deal on the turkey, Man. And I'll just stand over here until I
find out where, you know, you're coming from.
You know, turkeys are a good source of trytophan. I don't know if I
spelled that right or not. But anyway, they are. That's why we get
so sleepy after knocking ourselves in the head with one. Turkeys,
I mean.
Speaking of Thanksgiving, George Carlin says, "You ever notice how you
never seem to get laid much on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all
the coats are on the bed!"
That George Carlin. Boy, I tell you.
Okay, well I'm going to get back to working on this series of
Agricultural Meteorology books now, so I can get on out of here. You
get some rest now, okay? Attaboy.
Merciful, Tired
& Working Overtime
=============================================================
Date: Thu, 11 Nov 1993 11:47:24 -0600 (CST)
From: cmbg@ (Cynthia)
Subject: Re: Hello Haiti?
To: Donkey
Brent, this is really freaky. I don't know what's going on. Here I am on a
list within a list or a nested list or subset list or at least a list in
transition, not even an old established list out in the big world and I
read these words about this Hello Tokyo game and I just happen to have a
big sister who lived in Tokyo (in the Higashi Nikano district) for 7 years
and get this - SHE HAS ENORMOUS BREASTS! What are the odds of a thing like
that happening? Million to one?
Now you may not believe me about her breasts but while in Tokyo she was a
model (you can be a model at 5'3" in Tokyo) and she was on the back cover
of _Playboy_ once in a Suzuki motorcycle ad (this was in the late 60's)
wearing a black bikini (you can check the breasts) and the caption was
"Suzuki has almost nothing to wear" She was also a "weather girl" on the
Tokyo news AND dubbed the english voice for the little Japanese boy in
"Gamora the Atomic Turtle."
You should have seen my little mother in the store asking for _Playboy_
which at the time was kept under the counter. They really thought it was
weird when she bought upwards of 10 of them (being a minister's wife and
all). She told them she just wanted the ads.
Speaking of Mom, I can't wait to try the game out on her. She's the
original Tokyo woman in our family. It ought to be a riot.
a part of something much bigger than herself
Cynthia
=============================================================
Date: Thu, 11 Nov 93 13:32:04 EST
From: <LIBALP>
Subject: RE: BUSTIN' OUT IN TOKYO
To: Donkey
>Brent, this is really freaky. I don't know what's going on. Here I am ona
>list within a list or a nested list or subset list or at least a list in
>transition, not even an old established list out in the big world and I
>read these words about this Hello Tokyo game and I just happen to have a
>big sister who lived in Tokyo (in the Higashi Nikano district) for 7years
>and get this - SHE HAS ENORMOUS BREASTS! What are the odds of a thinglike
>that happening? Million to one?
Cynthia, that is truly amazing. Get this: when I was in Tokyo, I
was changing trains in the Higashi Nakano district (orange line, right?)
and some junior high boys, dressed in their goofy black-and-white school
uniforms, were pointing at me, and I looked down, and my breasts were
enormous! And that was very embarrassing for me, being a modest,
sensitive sort of fellow, but fortunately they went away as soon as
I transferred to the Yamanote Line, which is more expensive and
inconvenient, but has no unpleasant physiological effects.
Yeah, million to one, easy.
arthur
========================================================================
Date:Thu, 11 Nov 93 09:04:18 MST
From: WHIPLASH
To: Donkey
Subject: i want your opinions...
well, a number of people have told me to get a
lawyer. two or three people have told me i
don't need one, that i'll be wasting $500...
i talked to the lawyer, and as i think i've already
mentioned, this "assault" charge is a municipal
offense, classed as a "petty offense". It is
grouped on the ticket with other small time shit:
38-32 Resistance
38-51.5 Shoplifting
38-61 Destruction of Public Property
38-71 Destruction of Private Property
38-86 Loitering
38-89 Disturbing the Peace
38-91 Disturbance by Use of Telephone
38-92(a) Threat to Injure a Person or Damage Property
38-93 Assault
38-99 Urinating in Public
38-117(a) Concealed Weapon
38-158(7) Prostitution
38-160 Patronizing a Prostitute
...and my favorite...
38-174(c) Under the Influence of Toxic Vapors
...they're all in a section of the "ticket", and the
cop checks off the relevant boxes, then describes the
crime in the space provided below. It looks pretty
routine.
Now the two people who have told me to just go in,
plead guilty, explain my side of it and "they'll probably
just drop the assault charge" are a woman at work whose
judgement I'm not too sure about, and Chris, the guy who
got me involved in this in the first place, whose judgement
i *know* is fucked.
But Chris tells me to call three or four criminal lawyers
whose yellow pages ads say "free consultation" and tell
them that i'm calling "for my brother". This, he says,
will deflect them from trying to rope me in by scaring me
into thinking I need a lawyer. He has two counts of assault
and he says he isn't getting a lawyer.
So what this comes down to is: i'd really like to save
the $500, especially if having a lawyer present isn't really
going to make any difference for this thing, which essentially
seems like a small time routine thing in the larger scheme...
But on the other had, it's worth $500 to me to stay out of
jail for even a week. For two or three days, i might be
able to hack it, but for a week, i don't think so. i'm just
not a very tough guy, at least, compared to the dudes i saw
in the wee hours of last sunday morning...
So i'm kinda riding the fence here. Right now, i'm leaning
towards forgetting the lawyer. I'm definitely going to go
to this clerks office on monday and set my court date and
talk to them, and call some lawyers around town to get a
better idea before i hand over any money. also, i think i
may go sit in court and see if i can't find out any more
info right there pertaining to sentencing, or maybe just
show up at the public defender's office and ask them questions.
i want to do a lot of this before i decide about the lawyer.
but i just wanted to ask you all what you think about this.
i hate to make such a big deal out of it, but i really know
nothing about the "justice system", and i don't want to
fuck this up...
so what do you think?
rob
========================================================================
Date: Fri, 12 Nov 1993 08:54:28 -0500 (EST)
From: LIBWCA
Subject: Whiplash party!
To: Illuminati-L
Hey, gang - let's have a virtual going away party for Robert "Whiplash"
Holder! Everybody fuck off, all day. Eat cake, if you can find any.
Get drunk at lunch. Write in and say really nice things about Rob. Wear
a funny hat. Make an indecent proposal to the man or woman in the next
cubicle. Say more nice things about Rob, of the sort he can present as
evidence at his upcoming trial. Sing cheesy pop songs, loudly. Buy
a present for Rob; if he doesn't show up on your doorstep in the next month
or so, keep it yourself. Eat more cake. Wish Rob bon voyage. Stumble
home and pass out.
Whee!
Bill
========================================================================
Date:Fri, 12 Nov 93 10:26:06 MST
From: WHIPLASH
To: Donkey
Subject: Ten Week Buildup No Drip Floorwax
There must have been a plague of them
on the TV when I came home late...
they were guzzling marshmallows and they're
jumping off the Empire State.
And I laughed...
...like I *always* do.
And I cried...
...like I cried for you.
And Balloon Man blew up in my hand.
-- Robyn Hitchcock
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
So. This is my last day here at this job.
We got about 5 inches of snow last night, but it's
already melting... like a Palookaville cheerleader's
virtue in the back seat with the captain of the
football team. Yuk yuk yuk.
I'm actually pretty glad to be getting out of here.
There are some really annoying aspects to this job.
Well, I imagined this sort of stirring coda flowing
out of my fingertips, but apparently i got nothing
to say.
I don't know what my plans are... I'd like to drive
around the country, visit San Francisco, you guys
in the southeast, maybe I can meet lesser and melanie
and stop by austin and meet cynthia. then again, maybe
i'll just stay right here.
that would be a fun distraction. driving around the
country meeting you people. I could take pictures
and collect little memorabilia things from you all and
make a big collage out of 'em. i could make it my
mission to get videotape of each and every one of you
getting too drunk and puking. what a great tape that
would be for parties at dana's!
i talked to another lawyer, and he looked at my
papers and says that if I get caught outside the state
lines before my trial or other resolution, i forfeit
my bail and could go back to jail. but he says that
nobody cares about it so long as i show up on the
appointed dates.
say, that reminds me;
james thurber says we should never use semi-colons,
that a writer who is any good at all doesn't need 'em.
what an asshole, huh? but he did get *paid* for it,
dint ee?
hm. well. i'll say goodbye properly before I leave
the building. maybe i can get some freenet access like
bill a. suggested. boy have i learned my lesson, though.
like de man say, "Don't you put on any airs when you're
down on Rue Morgue Avenue/They got some hungry women there
who'll really make a mess outta you."
speaking of which, arthur, do me a favor and send me the
lyrics to "tangled up in blue", ok? i know you're busy
and all, but i'd really appreciate it.
later,
rob
PS - and life takes from us the things we love and it
robs us of the special ones and it
puts them high where we can't climb and we
only miss them all the time...
so
we
sing
LIFE IS SHIT
LIFE IS SHIT
THE WORLD IS SHIT
THE WORLD IS SHIT
this is life as i know it.
this is life as i know it.
-- The Dead Milkmen
"Beelzebubba"
PPS- (allen ginsburg) with mother finally fucked,
and the last tenement door slammed, and the last phone
thrown against the wall in reply
and only a single paper rose hanging in the closet even
that bit imaginary, who travelled to Denver and waited in
vain, his innumerable lays of girls, lonely roadside
petticoat upliftings, ah sunflower! when did you forget
that you were a sunflower? you're not no locomotive
sunflower, you are a sunflower! to look out over the box
house hills and cry tired eyed and wily america this is
very serious who purgatoried their torsos night after
night who threw potato salad at CCNY lecturers on dadaism
and subsequently presented themselves on the granite
steps of the madhouse demanding instantaneous lobotomy
and were given instead occupational therapy, hydrotherapy,
metrazol therapy, electroshock and pingpong ah carl, while
you are not safe i am not safe and now you're really in
the total animal soup of time who in humorless protest
overturned only one symbolic pingpong table resting
briefly in catatonia...
JUST FINISH CLEANIN' UP YOUR ROOM
KICK UP A DUST CLOUD WITH THAT BROOM
AND WHEN YOU FINISH DOIN' THAT
BRING IN THE DOG AND PUT OUT THE CAT
<yakkety-yak>
DON'T TALK BACK.
...yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaah, that'll be the day <ooo, woo-ooo>
that'll be the day...
========================================================================
Date:Fri, 12 Nov 93 15:26:46 MST
From: WHIPLASH
To: Donkey
Subject: streets of sorrow
none a you buttheads a-gonna wish me goodbye?!
damn!
ah, what the hell.
i have a horrible cold. i really feel rotten, plus
i keep ALMOST having to sneeze, but i can't quite.
so i've been walking around all day getting "signed
out", holding my hand over my right eye which is half
shut and watering, and it feels like a caterpillar
is weaving it's cocoon somewhere high up in my upper
right nose bones... right about where the nose joins
the forehead... nnnnnggggggggggggg....
ok, well, now that you're all current on my physical
well being, I guess I'll be tellin' ya that i'll keep
ya posted through bill t. and i'll be signing off...
This is Robert Holder on location in Denver Colorado,
your Action Man On the Scene, Signing Off. "Put your
feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars!"
I Leave You With Three from the Pogues,
rob
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You told me tales of love and glory.
Same old sad song, same old story.
The sirens sing your lullaby,
and no one knows but Lorelei.
I travelled far and wondered why
no photograph of you, beside me
Old Man River's passed us by
and we Remember Lorelei, Oh!
River river river have mercy,
take me down to the sea.
For if I perish on these rocks, my
love no more I'll see.
If I should float upon this stream,
I'll see you in my madman's dream.
I sink into your troubled eyes
and none would know but Lorelei.
And if my ship which sails tommorrow
should smash against these rocks, my sorrow
is I would drown
before I'd die
it's you I'd see
not Lorelei...
. . .
So, drunk to Hell, I left the place
sometimes crawling, sometimes walking.
A hungry sound came across the breeze
so I gave the walls a talking.
And on the jukebox, Johnny sang
about a thing called love.
And it's "How are your kids?" and
"What's your name?" and "How'd you
bloody know?"
I looked at him, he looked at me,
all I could do was Hate him.
The rain it fell on me with sounds
from my elusive dreams.
And the only things that I could see
was a pair of brown eyes that was lookin' at me
but when we got back, labelled cards
one through three, there was no pair of brown
eyes waiting for me
And a-Rovin' a-Rovin' a-Rovin' I'll go.
And a-Rovin' a-Rovin' a-Rovin' I'll go.
And a-Rovin' a-Rovin' a-Rovin' I'll go
for a pair of Brown Eyes.
. . .
Oh farewell, you streets of sorrow...
and farewell you streets of pain.
No, I'll not return to feel more sorrow.
Nor to see more young men slain.
Through the last six years I've lived through terror.
And in the dark understreets, the pain.
Oh, how I've longed to find some solace...
in my mind I curse the strain.
So farewell, you streets of sorrow...
and farewell you streets of pain.
No, I'll not return to feel more sorrow.
Nor to see more young men slain.
==========================================================
Date: Fri, 12 Nov 1993 13:30:10 -0400 (EDT)
From: Scott Lesser <LESSER>
Subject: a quick ode to rob holder
To: Donkey
HEY, LET'S ALL WRITE REAL BAD POETRY FOR ROB TO SHOW HOW MUCH WE CARE!
(I'll begin... )
<ahem!>
Tribute To A Guy Who Isn't Dead, But Won't Be Online For A While.
a voice in peril on mountains high
soon shall travel across the plains and below the sky
as he departs in his trusty VW he may break down and cry
but we all love him, we do
when the clink he avoids on honest defense
and despite tumult of love regains his clear sense
he'll find his way over that great big old fence
and then he shall be free
'cuz poets and thinkers of little reknown
and even in auburn, a most absurd clown
they follow his trials with creased brow & frown
yet with hope for a future most bright
and what does this mean, this most stupid verse?
a tribute to Him, could it be any worse?
well, yeah, if we were carrying him out to an idling hearse;
these lousy words would be in poor taste and suck, too
==========================================================
To: Donkey
From: EJFORD
Date: 12 Nov 93 16:45:19 EDT
Subject: Rob's last day
While many of you cheese-eaters are bemoaning the loss of the deadly
Rob Holder, aka: "Whiplash," the Cobra and I will be reveling in the
light of his sanguine prose, his rich perspective on life, his
massive cranium! Yes, Mr. Holder will be joining me and Stinky down
here in the land of the Big Mouse, sunny Florida!
Hopefully, this will be sooner rather than later! I know Whiplash
plans to make pitstops on his trek east. Many of you will no doubt
see you before he sees us! However, if any of you lads or lasses is
fretting the loss of Rob-erino, worry no more! The Cobra and I will
have little Robby online as soon as he hits town, even if we have to
impersonatehim ourselves.
And now, at Scott's request, a short haiku composed for the occasion:
Rob Holder. Whiplash.
I think he is really neato.
Honestly. Don't laugh.
<choke...sob...>
EJ "Mr. Toastmaster" Ford
==========================================================
Date: Fri, 12 Nov 1993 09:41:04 -0400 (EDT)
From: Scott Lesser <LESSER>
Subject: More coincidences!
To: Donkey
>I have a tendency to lean a little to the conservative, but I'd rather
>run naked through Baltimore than spend time in jail. Although, I
>understand from Ellis, that someone whom he purports to be B.B. King
>hangs out in the downtown Tampa holding facility curled around the
>potty.
"I ran naked through the streets of Baltimore with B.B. King once! No, waitit
wasn't B.B. King, it was Little Richard... and I wasn't naked, I was wearinga
ripped cocktail dress that left me *practically* naked... and maybe itwasn't
Balitmore; was it was Detroit?"
"Allison, tell Ellis we have a chain of automotive tire and rim stores here in
Boston called 'Ellis the Rim Man.' Cheapest rim jobs in town."
[fake laughter]
[Brief pause for some conga line dancing.]
"Bill, could you pass the bean dip and hand me another coke?"
[in a low voice, to Dana and Bill]
"I happen to have a flask of rum back at my desk...."
* * * *
"Still can't believe Little Whippy's gonna be leaving us, AGAIN."
[loud sniffling]
========================================================================
To: Donkey
From: "Allison" <AFREEMAN>
Date: 12 Nov 93 09:56:55 EDT
Subject: Re: More coincidences!
> "Allison, tell Ellis we have a chain of automotive tire and rim storeshere in
> Boston called 'Ellis the Rim Man.' Cheapest rim jobs in town."
>
Damn it! He swore that he'd give that up, in Boston no less.
Well, now that I am embarrassed and humiliated it's time to come
clean. Yes, Ellis does give the cheapest rim jobs in town, but you
get what you pay for. They aren't very good. Although the advent of
the "Toilet Duck" lessers the need for the scrubby brush. I kinda
liked the scrubby brush though...
So, when you all come to Florida, don't stick your tongues out
at Ellis. He thinks its our little secret.
Allison Freeman
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