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=============================================================
Date: Mon, 9 May 1994 15:08:10 -0500
From: GR4302
To: Multiple recipients of list <donkey-l@mcfeeley.cc.utexas.edu>
Subject: maggie, friend
this list is about learning to program your own dreams,
only some e-people think it's a potty.
it's about coming to terms with your central nervous system's
filtering capacities. see, we program by slicing away what's
unwanted at the moment. this list is a test. sort of a
weekend away from that comfortable donkey you call your
own head. this list is dedicated to all the wasted dead.
be your own slave while you have the chance left.
love,
gr4302
=============================================================
Date: Mon, 9 May 1994 11:48:31 -0500
From: "Spoo Shot" <CAECHAD@>
To: Multiple recipients of list <donkey-l@mcfeeley.cc.utexas.edu>
Subject: DEAR MR. DICKENS
Thanks for the kind nicknames. I am so gratified to have this public forum
in which to use dirty words. You see, I indulged my "potty mouth" too many
times in dance class (having a bad toe-shoe day) and so have been gaggedwith
burlap strappes these 7 weeks, unable to speak at all. A Marshmallow, Ithink,
would soak up these embarrasing, yes, *disturbing* stains. Can you supply,as
I have been so kind as to give you this absurdly obvious hint?
Spoo Shot
A *MERCURY* astronaut, if you catch my meaning
=============================================================
Date: Mon, 9 May 1994 13:55:41 -0500
From: "Punky Butt" <SSTAN@>
To: Multiple recipients of list <donkey-l@mcfeeley.cc.utexas.edu>
Subject: CHAD IS WEAK
Also, he is named "Chad", like everyone else in Arkansas, but I digress.
You should not have tempted him with your kindnesses, Mr. Dickens. You have
led him astray from the Glorious Throwback Revolution. He has been seen
"in company". He is "unclean". He chafes my punky butt. I will put a
lunch in his turdbox. I will purge him of "influences". I will get Chad.
WHEN RECESS IS OVER, I WILL GET CHAD!!
Punky Butt
Punkable not only; buttable also
=============================================================
Date: Mon, 9 May 1994 13:26:17 -0500
From: Merciful Lee Dickens <DICKENS>
Originator: donkey-l@mcfeeley.cc.utexas.edu
MORE SCIENCE HIGH RESPONDS TO MY MERCURIAL KINDNESS:
> A Marshmallow, I think, would soak up these embarrasing, yes,
*disturbing* stains. Can you supply, as I have been so kind as to give
you this absurdly obvious hint?
Spoo Shot
A *MERCURY* astronaut, if you catch my meaning
*** Comments from DICKENS; 05/09/94 12:58pm:
That's PROFESSOR Dickens to you, Spoo Shot, and in answer to your
query, if you would send me your snail mail address, I'd would be
perfectly delighted to send you some marshmallows. I actually HAVE
a bag of the rather troublesome items in my refrigerator, AS WE SPEAK!
They arrived in my fridge a fortnight ago, oddly enough, as some form
of strange indecipherable token of esteem by the equal parts disturbed-
slash-disturbING Tom "The Baloney Guy" Pickett. I had no use for them
whatsoever prior to your amusing (if somewhat vacuous) "response" in-
cluded *there* at the top of the brilliant repartee which you now see
plunged to the hilt in your squirming reprehensible torso.
Please include postage and allow thirty days for "handling"
if you know what I mean,
the Legendary Merciful Lee Dickens
Stooping To Touch A Child's Head
Since His Early Plague Days
P.S. - Have you met my friend, Hairy Dan Foss? Go up and tug on
*HIS* sleeve, if you want a wake-up call you won't soon forget.
He turns a sandwich into a banquet - Big Time (if you know what
I mean)...
=============================================================
Date: Mon, 9 May 1994 13:48:34 -0500
From: Merciful Lee Dickens <DICKENS>
Originator: donkey-l@mcfeeley.cc.utexas.edu
SINCLAIR LEWIS
YOU HAVEN'T READ SINCLAIR LEWIS
TILL YOU'VE READ SINCLAIR LEWIS
ON AN 8-HOUR BUS RIDE HOME TO A PIT OF DESPAIR
AFTER TRAVELING TO SEE THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE
AND SHE GIVES YOU THE CLAP ON YOUR BIRTHDAY
AND YOU'RE BROKE AND THE WHOLE WAY HOME
YOU'RE SITTING NEXT TO A WINO WHO KEEPS
TELLING YOU "I BEEN BAD, SON. I BEEN SO BAD,
I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE HOW BAD I BEEN.
DON'T DO LIKE ME, SON. I BEEN BAD!"
AND THE ONLY BOOK YOU HAVE
WITH WHICH TO TO TRY TO SHUT HIM OUT
IS THE JUNGLE BY SINCLAIR LEWIS
AND YOU SINK SO LOW THAT YOU
ACTUALLY SPARE CHANGE ENOUGH CASH
FOR A LUKEWARM BEER AT A LAYOVER
AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN HALFWAY HOME
WHEN IT OCCURS TO YOU
THAT HELL IS A BUSRIDE
YOU FEEL SO LOW YOU COULD DIE
HEY WAIT A MINUTE - I'M THINKING OF
UPTON SINCLAIR NOT SINCLAIR LEWIS
AND IT WAS A DIFFERENT BUSTRIP ALTOGETHER
IT WASN'T A WINO BUT A BAG LADY
WHO SAT RIGHT DOWN BEHIND ME AND FOR HOURS
TOLD THIS POOR SCHMO ABOUT HER CAT
HER LANDLORD WOULDN'T LET HER HAVE A CAT
BECAUSE IT WOULD SPRAY THE FURNITURE
SO SHE HAD IT FIXED
AND THE LANDLORD SAID SHE STILL COULDN'T HAVE
A CAT BECAUSE IT WOULD CLAW THE FURNITURE AND SO
SHE HAD IT DECLAWED
AND THEN THE LANDLORD TOLD HER WELL
SHE JUST COULDN'T HAVE A CAT
SO SHE GOT RIDDA THE DAMN THING
AND THEN RAMBLED ON ABOUT SOME
OTHER DAMN THING UNTIL JUST
ABOUT THAT TIME A DRUNKEN SOLDIER
FELL INTO MY LAP WITH HIS CUP OF ROTGUT
SPLASHING ALL OVER EVERYTHING
AND LOOKING ME IN THE EYE CONFIDED
I CAN TAKE APART AND PUT TOGETHER AN M-16
IN THE DARK, MOTHERFUCKER
OR WAS THAT LEWIS CARROL?
=============================================================
Date: Mon, 9 May 1994 14:42:57 -0500
From: Merciful Lee Dickens <DICKENS>
Sender: donkey-l@mcfeeley.cc.utexas.edu
WHEN RECESS IS OVER, I WILL GET CHAD!!
Punky Butt
Punkable not only; buttable also
*** Comments from HIS EXALTED EMINENCE; 05/09/94 02:36pm:
Hey... for a kid named Punky Butt, you show some potential, but
what's the deal with Spoo Shot? When I asked him if he knew the
difference between a dick and a corned beef sandwich and he said
no and I invited him over for lunch tomorrow, he just sat there
with a dumb gaping huh stretched tight across his rictus. Don't
they feed ya'll enough leafy green vegetables over there in Bigfoot
Country?
=============================================================
Date: Mon, 9 May 1994 14:18:52 -0500
From: <LIBALP>
To: Multiple recipients of list <donkey-l@mcfeeley.cc.utexas.edu>
Subject: Re: a small change
On Mon, 9 May 1994 LARGER THAN LIFELIKE wrote:
> MORE SCIENCE HIGH RESPONDS TO MY MERCURIAL KINDNESS:
M. Dickens, you trouble me: MORSE SCIENCE HIGH.
I would not mention it, except that I believe the line is "Goober
says Hey", not "Gomer says Hey".
Falling behind on one's baseball, while enjoyable from moderate heights,
is not so grievous a sin as these, I think.
Also, I would like to cryptically advise all concerned that the creatures
are real, and subject to only temporary replacement. That is all.
Arthur C.X. O'Parker
Debutante
=============================================================
Date: Mon, 9 May 1994 21:52:43 -0500
From: "Joseph Z. Provo" <provo>
To: Multiple recipients of list <donkey-l@mcfeeley.cc.utexas.edu>
Subject: Re: a small change
Dearest Maggie,
In your recent submission (btw, we require a 600-1000 word essay on the
perpetuation of white male power with the simple use of that word ineveryday
conversation), you made an ALLUSION to something that HAS GONE BEFORE.
Pray tell, can you draw parallels between my comment on your comment, andthe
comment of yours on CX's letter? I will re-iterate my claims that the vast
majority of us are so brilliant that when we write coded messages to ahandful,
a new meaning can emerge for another group. I sthis more apropos to
personal email? no, for then we do not acheive BROWNIAN MOTION(wink wink).
Some have asserted that it isn't solely the brilliance of the writer's
intellect, but that the reader's INTERPRETATION and ANALYSIS comes intoplay.
This would, however, require an intelligent audience. we are not guarenteed
this, nor are we guarenteed knowledge of the constituent atoms before we
start MIXING at HIGH HEAT.
We also do not know, as Mongo indicated, How Many Snipers are In The Woods.
But this is the way we work the game.
catfish, crouched low in the bushes, ready to strike with garotte and knife.
=============================================================
Date: Mon, 9 May 1994 14:34:09 -0500
From: WHIPLASH
To: Multiple recipients of list <donkey-l@mcfeeley.cc.utexas.edu>
Subject: Re: Huh?
> From: Maggie Sellers <st20346@>
>
> I have been lurking the last few days and must simply throw my arms
> up in the air and confess that I just don't get it. What is the purpose
> of a list such as this? Anyone care to enlighten me?
>
> Thank you (I think,)
>
> Maggie
>
Sure, I'd be delighted.
This list is an exploration of ATTRITION. And
Fish Feeding. Mostly Attrition. If you're a herring
in the bucket. Otherwise it's mostly about Attrition
if you're living your whole life in the tank. It's
also about Sleight-of-Hand, and Bluffing. But mostly
it's about Saying Goodbye. Actually, I've been lying
all along. It's really about ATTRITION.
Understand, of course, that I'm entirely wrong about this.
Nobody seems to have a very clear idea, you see.
You'll get nothing and like it. I wish it
weren't this way. Believe me, what I wouldn't
give for us all to have a nice topic--I mean herring--
that we could all gather 'round in brotherhood. and
sisterhood. DAMMIT, I didn't mean to say "gather round"!
I MEANT to say JUMP FOR, or perhaps DIVE FOR... even so;
sometimes, when the light is just right, it seems like we
can *almost* touch... you know, almost hit that HIGH MARKER,
and then we just fall back into the big Training
Pool... I mean Shark Tank... that is, I MEANT to say, our
Million Man Armies die from shelling, poison gas, starvation
and friendly fire... you know: HERRING. AH, GODDA--OK,
I'm starting to get REALLY ANGRY WITH MYSELF NOW. I MEAN
ATTRITION! ATTRITION, NOT HERRINGS OR CREDIT FRAUD OR
AIMLESSNESS.... ATTRITION! THERE! I said it... finally,
whew! but you know... i mean, we're all the same... aren't
we?....underneath...you know...deep down...
..heartbreaking... just when <sniff> when I thought
that <sniff sniff> you were all... you know <sniff>
I mean after all we've BEEN THROUGH together...
..oh... waitaminute... *PURPOSE*! Oh, hell! I
thought you said *PORPOISE*!!! Ah well, that explains
it.
Yes Maggie, your reaction is quite appropriate. Please
do go on. Don't mind me, I'm just going to take a few
notes here.
You Were Saying?,
Metro ET
=============================================================
Date: Mon, 9 May 1994 14:34:30 -0500
From: <LIBWCA>
To: Multiple recipients of list <donkey-l@mcfeeley.cc.utexas.edu>
Subject: Re: Huh?
On Mon, 9 May 1994, Maggie Sellers wrote:
> Dear Donkey List Members,
>
> I have been lurking the last few days and must simply throw my arms
> up in the air and confess that I just don't get it. What is the purpose
> of a list such as this? Anyone care to enlighten me?
>
> Thank you (I think,)
>
> Maggie
Maggie, are you by any chance descended from Maggie, A Girl of the Streets,
as portrayed in the Stephen Crane novel of the same title? If so, would
you kindly furnish a current address or postal drop--I am in possession of
some items entrusted to me by Mr. Crane, and would like to settle accounts.
Thanks,
Barney T. Devil
Fictional Character
=============================================================
Date: Mon, 9 May 1994 16:16:32 -0500
From: Maggie Sellers <st20346@>
To: Multiple recipients of list <donkey-l@mcfeeley.cc.utexas.edu>
Subject: Re: Huh?
Dear Mr. Fictional Character,
I am, in fact, related to Maggie of "Gift of the Maggie" fame by Seamus
O'Kearn. Please forward all his effects (special and otherwise) to me
via telepsychic friend's network-in-progress at the end of the Old Mill
Road. There is, I stress here in an unwarranted fashion, no other possi-
bility.
A Real Character,
Maggie
P.S. Strangely enough my Dad calls me Marshmallow.
=============================================================
Date: Mon, 9 May 1994 18:21:26 -0500
From: Maggie Sellers <st20346@>
To: Multiple recipients of list <donkey-l@mcfeeley.cc.utexas.edu>
Subject: Re: Huh?
Mr. Barney T. Devil writes:
>I love you keenly, and would like to have your children.
>If you aren't using them.
Dear Mr. Barney T. Devil,
As cruel Nature has seen to it that I shall never be "blessed" with
children, it seems you would have to make do with my surrogate children.
I have two dogs, two cats, and a finch. I would advise caution in
dealing with the dogs if any sort of "rough-housing" is involved.
Same with the finch, but for different reasons. When can you arrange
for them to be delivered as their "exploits" are frankly driving me up
a wall. Offer void where not prohibited.
Maggie
Fully realized as a character, but realized, it seems, too late
=============================================================
Date: Mon, 9 May 1994 20:52:42 -0500
From: WHIPLASH
To: Multiple recipients of list <donkey-l@mcfeeley.cc.utexas.edu>
Subject: Maggie, you cutie-pie; one more time, just for you...
THIS IS THE METROPOLITAN EMERGENCY TRIBUNAL
ATTENTION * ATTENTION * ATTENTION * THIS AREA HAS BEEN DECLARED
A DISASTER AREA BY FEDERAL OFFICIALS * PLEASE MOVE TOWARDS THE
LIGHT * LAY DOWN YOUR WEAPONS AND REPORT TO YOUR NEAREST SHELTER
* WINDS ARE BEING REPORTED AT NINETY (90) MILES AN HOUR AND ABOVE
WITH FIRESTORM EFFECTS IN THE NORTHEASTERN PARTS OF THE METRO-
POLITAN AREA * WINDS ARE ANTICIPATED IN EXCESS OF ONE HUNDRED
SEVENTY (170) MILES PER HOUR WITHIN THE NEXT TWO TO FOUR WEEKS
* NATIONAL GUARDSMEN HAVE BEEN ASSIGNED TO THE CAUCASIAN AREAS
OF THE CITY TO PROTECT LIFE AND PROPERTY * OTHER AREAS, LAY DOWN
YOUR WEAPONS AND REPORT TO THE NEAREST SHELTER * FREE SHOWERS *
MOVE TOWARDS THE LIGHT * ENEMY GROUND TROOPS REPORTED WITHIN
THIRTY KILOMETERS OF THE CITY AND CLOSING * OBSERVE THE TWENTY
FOUR HOUR CURFEW AND AVOID MORTAR FIRE AND STRAFING OF ENEMY
AIRCRAFT * MOST OF THE CITY HAS LOST ELECTRICAL POWER, PLEASE
PRESERVE ELECTRICAL POWER * FILL YOUR BATHTUBS * MOVE TOWARDS
THE LIGHT * THERE ARE REPORTS OF SELECTIVE GENETIC DAMAGE FROM
RADIOLOGICAL AND BIOLOGICAL ATTACKS * PEOPLE YOU KNOW AND EVEN
CLOSE FRIENDS OR SPOUSES CAN BECOME SUDDENLY VIOLENT OR SPON-
TANEOUSLY COMBUST * LAY DOWN YOUR WEAPONS AND REPORT TO YOUR
NEAREST SHELTER * IF YOU ARE RETURNING TO THE CITY AFTER AN
EXTENDED TIME AWAY OR IF YOU ARE A FIRST TIME VISITOR, BE ADVISED
THAT THIS AREA HAS BEEN DECLARED A DISASTER AREA BY FEDERAL
OFFICIALS * ALL LAW ENFORCEMENT AUTHORITIES ARE MISSING AND
PRESUMED DEAD * SOME MILITARY FORCES ARE STILL ACTIVE WITH
UNKNOWN ACCOUNTABILITY TO COMMAND AT THIS TIME * MOVE TOWARDS
THE LIGHT * THERE ARE REPORTS OF SELECTIVE GENETIC DAMAGE FROM
RADIOLOGICAL AND BIOLOGICAL ATTACKS AMONG PEOPLE YOU KNOW AND
TRUST * WINDS ARE BEING REPORTED AT NINETY SEVEN (97) MILES
PER HOUR AND ABOVE * FILL YOUR BATHTUBS * FREE SHOWERS * MOVE
TOWARDS THE LIGHT * THIS IS THE METROPOLITAN EMERGENCY TRIBUNAL*
ATTENTION
ATTENTION
ATTENTION
=============================================================
Date: Mon, 9 May 1994 15:07:49 -0500
From: <LIBWCA>
To: Multiple recipients of list <donkey-l@mcfeeley.cc.utexas.edu>
Subject: Re: Mikey Fay
On Mon, 9 May 1994, Chad A. Easley wrote:
> i really don't appreciate your remark
> why don't you and the cane you rode in on just
> return to wherever you came from
>
> now what would cause you to label us unruly?
>
> singapore did what they had to do
> i'm no vandal
And why not, if you please? I believe it was Winston Churchill who
said, in state of drunken euphoria, "He who is not a vandal at seventeen
has no spray paint. He who does not cane vandals at forty has no
police state." You wouldn't want to make Sir Winston Churchill look
like a fool in front of the Donkey assembled, now would you, Mr. Easley?
I didn't think so. It's the simple things like that which give us
the right to claim civilization, Mr. Easley. It costs so little to
avoid humiliating dead, fat, cigar-smoking Tories in public. If everybody
would be willing to chip in as little as, oh, a buck-fifty, I'd happily
dedicate my life to the noble purpose of not embarrassing Stanley Baldwin.
But you don't care if Mr. Baldwin is embarrassed, do you, Mr. Easley?
None of you does. What kind of a world are we living in?
Barney T. Devil
Adrift on a sea of Arkansans
=============================================================
Date: Mon, 9 May 1994 21:53:03 -0500
From: "Daniel A. Foss" <DFOSS@ccvm.sunysb.edu>
To: Multiple recipients of list <donkey-l@mcfeeley.cc.utexas.edu>
Subject: remembering your foss on mother's day
On Friday, May 5, Barbara [jesusfuck] Hall said she was "trying not to
sound like a hall mark card" to which I reply that: Barbara, it was very
sweet of you to remember your foss on Mother's Day; but the foss, blushing,
is regrettably chromosomally inappropriate to the task of being your mom.
If you can think of *any otherr kind of relative* whatsoever the foss can
be to you, Legal, Schedule II, Criminalized, or Undocumented, the foss will
summon up the moral courage, if not necessarily the manhood, and do the job.
Daniel A. Foss
=============================================================
Date: Mon, 9 May 1994 22:20:12 -0500
From: "Daniel A. Foss" <DFOSS@ccvm.sunysb.edu>
To: Multiple recipients of list <donkey-l@mcfeeley.cc.utexas.edu>
Subject: signifiers signified and you o womanly power of mightines
..mightiness enthroned in glory:
O worshipful Barbara,
Just read another Thingie you wrote on Thursday, May 5, wherein you said
you were going to spend your summer vacation dividing all Thingies in the
universe into signifiers and signifieds, something like that. Right now,
sounds great to me, compared to weaving baskets, cutting paper dolls out of
a Mobius strip with a pair of scissors, or sitting in a windowless computer
room watching the Chinese work (also a couple of Russians doingmicroeconomics
for their Nobel Prize in 30 years).
Trouble is, not so simple. You also have your mixed-race element, partone
and part the Other; you have got your Thingies what swing both ways; youhave
got your morphemes, your sign vehicles, all kinds of sub-morphemicparticles,
just don't bother me with memes or memetic replicators or other Leri junk,
okay? Consider yourself. Don't believe what I told Leri about how I take you
with equal facility for a woman or a person. This is because of yoursignifi-
cation. What you signify yourself, what I have you signify for purposes ofmy
semic fantasies which I don't tell you about, what you are made to signify
for me by contextualization amid other people such as on Leri, even some you
may not know. One of these is Abby "Jericho" Hall, whom I ran into byaccident
onnacounta staring at the floor and not watching where I wuz going on anight
some months back when the traffic on Leri was particularly heavy and one of
my lights was busted forget which now had two lights on behind one light for
my baby the other for my mind. I got totalled; having been made in East
Germany I just plain crumpled before a freewaycruisin woman that size; she
being a decent sort accused me of flaming a teenage kiddie whom I was making
a funny at; she made me apologize and the kiddie in question told me toforget
it, he wasn't as stupid as the general run of idiots on Leri who can't tell
a funny when it's in there. So we corresponded, corresponding to nothing in
each other.
Symmetry and dialectics, dig, she too is five ten; she too is well,robust,
that is, if not necessarily a gymnastics instructor like you, she iscompelled
under California law to be a ferociously healthy specimen of the Californian
race. The Californian race, origins of, was explained on ANTHRO-L, so Ican't
go into it here. Your hair, on the other hand, is vaguely dark brownish,
unless garishly dyed for party purposes of course; which befits yourNortheast-
ern origins. She is of course a blonde; something genetic in Californians.
On the first hand again, you are both surnamed Hall, which is where I ran
into each of you and got totalled, the Great Hall of the People inLeri@gossip.
pyramid.com Galactic HQ. On the other hand again, you are on polar opposite
coasts. "Disunity in structure," Poulantzas might have called it. But no,
he called something else that.
Sometimes, in a seamy semic fantasy, I get tied up and raped by the Right
Woman, who for purposes of plausibility would have to be at least five ten.
Also strong, healthy, and with lightning-swift hands which can wrap the thin
nylon rope once around each wrist and make a bowknot with such brusque
efficiency as to shatter my ego into shards; then untie it again as I dance
naked with my back to her and her thumb & index finger gently but with
reassuring firmness & authority holding both wrists; doing thisrepeatedly
in keeping with her slow relentless rhythm; continuing till I sink to my
knees whereupon she pinions my ankles with the same awesome motion; then
up for another round, as I now move my hands around behind my back, enticing
her to further inventiveness;...
On any given morning, afternoon during a boring book chapter, late-at-
night, is it gonna be you as the star, or her, or some tall fantasticcreature
I saw in the University Hospital cafeteria once, or waddafog.
This is what can becme of signification. Which is not to be confused with
meaning, a whole nother Thingie. If not quite entirely. Sometimes theempiri-
cally observable Barbara Hall might call me up and ruin a perfectly good
porno show I just brought home from Blockbuster Imaginary Adult Video.
So I do "You Can't Make Me Come" instead. Let's face it, I've had no
practice whatsoever getting tied up, any more than I've had at the other
end, and have had to refuse requests for such activities from crazy women
in Real Life each way. Just a sheltered nice Jewish boy, I guess.
Regards,
Daniel A. Foss
=============================================================
Date: Tue, 10 May 1994 08:50:14 -0500
From: <LIBALP>
To: Multiple recipients of list <donkey-l@mcfeeley.cc.utexas.edu>
Subject: Re: whuzzis, i'm bald?
On Wed, 4 May 1994, Daniel A. Foss wrote:
> Been reading that Daniel A. Foss is supposed to be bald. Well,Daniel
> A. Foss the Media Image can stay bald for all I care, but Daniel A.Foss
> the organism has got hair turned steely gray what has always beenflying
> off in all directions uncontrollably unless it gets too long since itwas
> black. Potentiates the horrifying effect of the beady eyes with theStare.
>
> Daniel A. Foss
>
Upon rerereading, I notice an inconsistency: beady eyes. The Daniel Foss
I heard of is a medically-certified Bug-Eyed Monster. So, as we like to
say around here, who are you and what have you done with Daniel?
Arthur C.X. Milne-Parker
=============================================================
Date: Tue, 10 May 1994 09:13:42 -0500
From: "Daniel A. Foss" <DFOSS@ccvm.sunysb.edu>
To: Multiple recipients of list <donkey-l@mcfeeley.cc.utexas.edu>
Subject: authentic true facts about Daniel A. Foss [1]
The first true fact to have been discovered by Modern Science about Daniel
A. Foss is that Daniel A. Foss lacked, still so far as we know continues to
lack, the perfectly ordinary capacity to write personal e-mail letters. The
vast bulk of Daniel A. Foss' probably-authentic personal correspondence, so
far as is known, that is, approximately thirteen out of a ballpark-estimated
figure in the neighborhood of sixteen such letters consist of a single
sentence, "I'm sorry/terribly sorry/really sorry, but I'm just not able to
write personal letters, I can't understand it." Some letters in ourpossession
have been excluded from our tabulations, as they were written to "lizzy," as
Daniel A. Foss insisted on calling Doctress Neutopia, which is her realname.
The reason is that any letter written to or received from Doctress Neutopia,
or both or all of these, was Widely Known to have been written for the
immediate purpose of widespread publicity as frontpage leadstory bulletins;
for the medium-range purpose of furnishing documentary-looking propagandafor
her authorized biographer; and for the longrange purpose of filling up a
gigantic database to be rotememorized by innocent kindergarteners of the
future as readily as researched by the most brilliant doctoral candidates
of the same historical period. An obsessive-compulsive to the core, however
lazy he may have been about it, Daniel A. Foss duly acquired these Habits,
making them as much his own as the disgusting Habits he already had. Do we,
therefore, believe Barbara Hall to have been such a naive simpleton as to
have been incapable of recognizing the <fwd>ed text below as*neutopified*?
Barbara Hall has an IQ of 168, so we think not.
Daniel A. Foss
=============================================================
Date: Tue, 10 May 1994 08:18:50 -0500
From: Merciful Lee Dickens <DICKENS>
Sender: donkey-l@mcfeeley.cc.utexas.edu
I'M A LOVE SLAVE, YEAH!
I'M A SLAVE TO LOVE, WAIT!
NO, I'M A *SEX* SLAVE! YEAH,
THAT'S IT: I'M A SLAVE TO SEX!
NAW, HOLD UP YOU GUYS, LEMME THINK
I'M AN *INDENTURED SERVANT* TO LOVE!
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT:
LOVE'S LITTLE LACKEY BOY,
SCUTTLING OVER PRISTINE COBBLESTONES WITH A
BUCKET AND A MOP WHILE THE MISTRESS SLEEPS
IN A WARM DARK CHAMBER OF MY HEART!
WHEN SHE WAKES I WILL RECEIVE A SOUND P-WHIPPIN'
BECAUSE I AM AN INDENTURED SERVANT TO LOVE
I AM SUCH A LITTLE INDENTURED SERVANT TO LOVE
LOVE CAN SIT ON MY FACE FOR A HA'PENCE
(AND I'LL LOAN HER THE HA'PENCE)
TELL ME WHAT I SAY!
--ALFRED LORD NUMMINUMS
BRISTOL, 1848
=============================================================
Date: Tue, 10 May 1994 08:33:19 -0500
From: Merciful Lee Dickens <DICKENS>
Originator: donkey-l@mcfeeley.cc.utexas.edu
MAGGIE, A REAL CHARACTER, REVEALS
> Strangely enough my Dad calls me Marshmallow.
*** Comments from THINK IT'S BUTTER, BUT IT'S SNOT; 05/10/94 08:28am:
Maggie, is your Dad nuts?
If so, we may have an interesting confection on our hands.
That or we'll have to wash the dog.
Get it? Get it? Haw!
Merciful Lee Dickens
Saying "Get it? Get it? Haw!"
Instead of "Get it! Get it! Oh God No!"
Since Shortly Before An Eclipse Claimed Sanity's Tenuous Toehold
=============================================================
Date: Thu, 12 May 1994 21:27:11 -0500 (EST)
Subject: The Wealth of Donk Donks
Sender: Golden Boy <00bcpalmer>
To: Donkey
=== Donk Donk ===
Our beloved British compatriots since we saved their ASS the Hitler AKAHister
menace, have many ways by which they refer to the donkey, among them:
neddy
cuddy
& dickey
also moke.
Thus Moke H. Zarathuniatz.
In the Western United States, one may hear the donkey affectionately calleda
mountain canary.
= Then There Are Also =
Uh, sorry, that should have read "ROCKY mountain canary".
not to mention:
jackass
jack
jenny
jenny ass
jennet
mule
sumpter mule
sumpter
and over here:
hinny &
jennet
== The Departure into the Deep Canyon ==
Perhaps I have mentioned in the archives the words of Georg Christop
stop.
Perhaps I have mentioned in the archives the words of Georg Christoph
"Licky" Lichtenberg (1742-1799), who wrote:
A donkey appears to me like a horse translated into Dutch.
Perhaps this explains the connection between who we are and the EEC.
BeNeLux <P>
Spock's World, Iowa.
=============================================================
Date: Fri, 13 May 1994 13:50:38 -0500
From: <LIBALP>
To: Multiple recipients of list <donkey-l@mcfeeley.cc.utexas.edu>
Subject: Re: further thoughts on "a small change"
On Mon, 9 May 1994, Maggie Sellers snope:
> Dear Mr. O'Parker,
>
> This is precisely the sort of thing to which I referred. You admit that
> you are "cryptically advising" someone of something. Must the rest
> of us endure this? Wouldn't this be more appropriate as personale-mail?
> I'm still hopelessly lost, like Adam and Eve. Please revise.
>
Myself am, like Adam and Eve, hopelessly naked.
No, you mustn't endure it. You could revel in the mystery, challenge
yrself with the puzzles therein, and come out the other side with Games
People Play carpeting and Rice-a-Roni-the-SanFrancisco-treat. Or you
could easy your misery by complaining. Or you could vamoose, but I
wouldn't suggest that, as it might upset Barney, who loves you so much it
hurts when he pees. Myself, I hate you so much it hurts when I digress.
But I -- OW!
Anyway, if I hadn't been occupying myself with horrendous in-jokes, you
never would've gotten to tell us about yr father calling you Marshmallow,
so you should be thanking me. Start thanking me now please, before I get
cross.
By the way, GargantuanResolutely, I've thought of a good reason why I
should not address you directly. Whenever I say your name, your ears
burn, or turn red, or turn into donkey ears, or something. Deal?
Arthur C.X. Parker (Mrs.)
=============================================================
Date: Fri, 13 May 1994 13:49:50 -0500
From: GR4302
To: Multiple recipients of list <donkey-l@mcfeeley.cc.utexas.edu>
Subject: re: re: maggie, friend
yes, maggie. as you wish, as long as you remember that the
donkey you're riding is a knot-feast of synapse-firing ganglia
(or a big nerve with a donkey attached), and that you must feed
it carrots and beat it with a stick. it doesn't rilly matter
if you consider yourself slave or master. same difference.
or like whatever turns your crank. my donkey (portnoi i fear)
has one complaint: this world. the problem though is as
simple as most want to go supersonic while i enjoy riding
a mule.
gr4302 (soon to be hooded and cast adrift)
ps--your donkey's not the semantic games we sometimes mistake
for life, it's your own butt, right now.
the test is always multiple choice, with that ever present
difficulty: infinite possibilities, a never-ending selection
from a non-denumerable continuum of meaning, the pie that can
only be had by the slice.
and, yes, sometimes we must be toilets for others and this is
as good a place as any i guess.
=============================================================
Date: Fri, 13 May 1994 13:52:39 -0500
From: John Paul II <JMAC>
To: Multiple recipients of list <donkey-l@mcfeeley.cc.utexas.edu>
Subject: Yoder Alert
Doorbell rang at 6 am. Pulled it together long enough to get really
annoyed. Crawled to the door and staggered up to the peephole, saw
nothing there so I rolled to the couch and collapsed.
Doorbell rang at 1 minute past 6. "Okay friend, this had better be good,
I'm so goddamn mad I could chew through wood." Threw open the door and
guess who I saw? Nobody. Collapsed on the spot.
Doorbell rang at 2 minutes past 6. "I've gone insane at last, all those
drugs in my past. Chemical ghosts are ringing my bell, or is it my mother
dredged up from hell?" Got up and opened again my front door and this time
heard a tiny little "YAP!"
"Hello, how are you, my name is Yoder. I came very far, you can tell by
the odor. I'm selling some shares in uncommon stock, please listen a
while as I continue to talk. Invest today in my generous plan and you
kind sir will certainly land in the world of the wealthy while you are
young and still really quite healthy."
Damn. Another talking dog selling mutual funds. I declined. Yoder asked
directions to the airport and left.
John Paul II
Vatican City
=============================================================
Date: Fri, 13 May 1994 13:52:23 -0500
From: "Richard M. Nixon" <JMAC>
To: Multiple recipients of list <donkey-l@mcfeeley.cc.utexas.edu>
Subject: Life In Hell
Woke up today to some clown's version of music
they said it was really the sound of my own tortured
soul heaving and writhing in the pain I inflicted upon
myself
Worst thing about hell is there are no mirrors
that don't have this smart ass guy inside that
looks just like you did when you were
alive
You try to comb your hair or shave or just look
but there he is again looking straight through you
saying "I'm the Grim Reaper, not my brother's keeper,
schmuck."
Woke up today in hell
Richard M. Nixon
Level 7 - Row 18
The Firey Pit
=============================================================
Date: Fri, 13 May 1994 13:53:16 -0500
From: <WHIPLASH>
To: Multiple recipients of list <donkey-l@mcfeeley.cc.utexas.edu>
Subject: Re: out with it
jesus, chad, get a grip. I mean, can we *please* intro-
duce a little *REALITY* into this dialogue?!
there's no authority here! "why is it so bad for others
to want to input", you ask. *I* know it's rough, hell, *I*
know every facet of what you've had to go through in life,
it comes with the *clairvoyancy*, and so *I* know you're
doing your best, but good God, man, how do you think *we* feel?
DON'T YOU THINK I'VE CRIED FOR MAN? name that movie chad. c'mon,
I *know* you can do it. Jurgen Prochnow. C'mon buddy! You'll
FEEL better. Actually, it was ME, not Jurgen Prochnow, because
you're ALL me, IT'S *ALL* ME. I mean, doesn't it feel better
to all of me out there reading this to just get the truth out
in the open? OF COURSE IT DOES.
OK, moving right along...
I'm as horrified as you are that your fruity dessert
wine suggestion went so unnappreciated! why, I myself
find, from time to time, that every word proceeding
from the mouth of Me doesn't always get the ottoman, pipe
and slippers that I've come to expect from my Personal
Entertainment Gumball Machine of Disposable-Human-Being
Toy Marionette & Health Snack Dispenser etc. etc. please
let me stop soon, just GIT UP YER GUMPTION, BOY, and
CHAAAAAAAAARGE!
DO YOU THINK THAT MY GRANPAPPY, GOD REST HIS SOUL,
IF HE, FOR *ONE SECOND* STOPPED TO *THINK* ABOUT IF
IT WAS *OK* FOR HIM TO CHARGE THAT JERRY PILLBOX, DO
YOU *THINK* THAT HIS BRIGADE WOULD HAVE SURVIVED?
OF COURSE NOT! AND THEY DIDN'T SURVIVE *WITH* HIM
CHARGING THOSE JERRIES EITHER! AND DO YOU *THINK*
THAT IT WAS HIS SATCHEL CHARGE, OR WAS IT THAT BIG,
FRENCH SHELL WHICH STRUCK SIMULTANEOUSLY THAT BLEW THE
PILLBOX AND OCCUPANTS, AND OCCUSKIRTS TOO, INTO A MILLION PIECES?
DO YOU *THINK* I KNOW? *NOBODY KNOWS*! EXCEPT OF
COURSE THE ALL OF YOU THAT IS ME: *THAT* NOBODY KNOWS,
BUT ME AIN'T GIVIN' NO ANSWERS TO THE LIKES OF *ME*, SO I
MAY AS WELL NOT SEND MYSELF ANY IRRITATED MESSAGES ABOUT
HOW "I'M NOT GETTING IT"... BUT MY POINT: THANK GOD
FOR MY GRANPAPPY, AND THE BRAVE, SUICIDAL CHARGES OF
ALL YOUNG MEN, AND FOR THE ATTENTIONS OF THE YOUNG
WOMEN THEY FIGHT FOR! MY GOD, I LOVE THIS COUNTRY!
IT'S GREAT TO BE ALIVE! HEY PUNK: MY GRANPAPPY
SKIPPED GOODYEAR TIRES ACROSS THE ATLANTIC, SO GET
BACK TO WORK. WE AIN'T PAYIN' YOU TO WAFFLE!
Jeez, Kids Today,
Freaky Styley
=============================================================
Date: Sat, 14 May 1994 00:08:56 -0400 (EDT)
From: scott lesser <LESSER>
Subject: lost notes on a broken dictaphone; or, is Mark Leyner worth $10
To: Donkey
glossolalia sits on a plastic disc on a shelf in my room, making me think of
zeek, and then by extension, austin. that has nothing to do with writing to
you here, tonight. babble is not close to divine. nor is life, generally,
except through those chaotic moments we feign fear or abhorrence of; yet,don't
you stop to look down at the blood on the tracks, or listen to the dykes
downstairs arguing even as they keep you awake. (oh, you, you don't? fine,we
needn't debate it.) i won't debate anything, as there is absolutely nothing
outside of my mind worth dying for; the world is simply spectacle at this
moment. that's why i enjoyed walking into emporio armani today, glancing
around, holding my bag of books. i pitied its denizens for reasons thatdon't
escape me, but that i won't explain until i can justify my thinking withsome
other me, standing there clutching certain books that don't exist. and of
books, the choices i made to replace speaking to people (rather than simply
reading a book this week, i'll plow through a fossific quantity) were:
MY COUSIN, MY GASTROENTEROLOGIST Mark Leyner
SELECTED POEMS Pablo Neruda
(oh more to come. the pleasure is in shopping daily)
am i kicking myself that i didn't buy SCREAMS FROM THE BALCONY (Selected
Letters of Charles Bukowski)? well, not entirely. that remains on thelist,
and the first person to second day air that book to me will be remembered
fondly even as i sit in a chair drooling on myself, someday. which is abouta
half step from where i place myself emotionally at the moment, avoiding the
phone and actually managing to burn hard-boiled eggs. (two hours later, whenthe
water is gone, the shells and albumin on hot teflon char and start to smell
like burning hair and flesh.) and somehow smelling that, and realizing thati
wouldn't trust myself to the care of myself, yet doing so implicitly -- orby
default -- and having no choice about it, sickens me. almost everythingforced
in front of me makes me want to strangle it, or consume it and vomit its
half-digested remains. (difficult to do on the phone.) i will read, but i
can't respond. words not advising of various courses of actions, or making
judgements, will be stacked in neat piles. though i was really writing to
discuss mark leyner. scratch that. soliloquize on leyner's writing, whichat
best is amusing, and at least has been found publishable. i guess i'mmissing
the raw reality of desire and despair buried under, or discarded for, BigFast
Witty Brand-Name Burroughsesque (i hope he'd hate that) word rides. thebook
works for me in that it is under 200 pages, which usually is where i'mstarting
to yearn to have a new piece of wood by-product in my hand. and at $10, for
150-something pages, it's more CONCENTRATED for your quick-fix pleasure.not
what i'd want to write. PERSONAL NOTE: BRENT I HAVEN'T BEEN IN THE OFFICETO
LISTEN TO YOUR MESSAGE AGAIN AND WOULD LIKE YOUR ADDRESS AND PHONE NUMBERVIA
E-MAIL TO KEEP IN TOUCH. touch, touch, touch. can't but think of TheKitten's
little grubby hands, Ward and June Palmer, fawning over them. i love you,you
resurrected son-of-a-god-damned-American-Dream, you! and while on thiscycle,
spinning strands so broadly that i'm just shouting to the crowd, not looking
into eyes, Dana, i'm taking your advice second-hand! not hanging too tight,if
you know what i mean. ask rdh, who is a great soothing voice to theafflicted,
when not afflicting. you, rob, are such a fucking great guy, yet you seemto
struggle against it so hard. oh, no this wasn't intended to become a
judgement thing. forget that then. i don't want to plant seeds of
discussion. matching pains in my gut and head. let me just straightenthat,
no scratch that; i haven't a clue about your struggles. we all want to put
everything outside ourselves in place in our head -- but, that's a cop out.
no, i don't know your demons as surely as you don't know mine... i'm still
trying to work that night out in my head, i guess. but, there's a hell of a
lot more angst available, in larger quantities.
alright,
him
i hope you all sleep well tonight. take care and may God bless each and
everyone one of us; or may we huddle together as he pisses out afflication.
=============================================================
Date: 18 MAY 1994 09:26 -06
From: Merciful Lee Dickens <DICKENS>
Subject: Reply to Free Money For You
To: Donkey
>
I guess I should be generous what with my new found wealth.
$1000.00 to whoever can identify this:
" 'There is one thing occurs to me,' said he at last, 'As we sat at the
table my back was to the window, and my brother George, he being my
partner in cards, was facing it...' "
Brent "wink martindale" <P>
*** Comments from DICKENS; 05/18/94 07:47am:
That's easy. That's from The President's Brother Is Missing! by
Anita Alibye and Seymour Bush. Deposit winnings in paper bag and throw
over the Edmund Pettus bridge on the Selma, Alabama side at precisely
3 a.m. Swiss Sidereal time this August 4th. I thank you.
As Always,
Pay No Attention To That Man Behind The Curtain,
Merciful Lee
=============================================================
Date: 18 MAY 1994 09:27 -06
From: Merciful Lee Dickens <DICKENS>
Subject: WE HAVE A WINNER!
To: Donkey
WHATSHISNAME SAID:
>
I guess I should be generous what with my new found wealth.
$1000.00 to whoever can identify this:
" 'There is one thing occurs to me,' said he at last, 'As we sat at the
table my back was to the window, and my brother George, he being my
partner in cards, was facing it...' "
Brent "wink martindale" <P>
*** Comments from DICKENS; 05/18/94 07:37am:
That's simple. What is "Liberace - An Autobiography" by--- Damn! The
name escapes me at the moment. What? Oh, you don't have to phrase the
answer in the form of a question? Fine. Fuck you very much. Excuse
the hell out of me for trying, alright? You pasty-faced jerks in your
million dollar spaghetti stains really choke my choad, you know that?
You think you're the only one who makes me people cry when you play the
piano? You oughta hear 'em wail when *I* sit down before the
Steinway! Cry? You'd think they were gonna fuckin' die! I'll let you
hire someone to imagine for you what they do when I actually lift my
voice in song. That - angels would gnash their holy teeth to
duplicate - it's so sweet - it's almost like
Being In Love,
Merry Merciful Lee
P.S. - I would like my award in American one dollar bills. That way,
it feels like more when it's in my wallet.
=============================================================
Date: Tue, 24 May 94 20:51:28 MDT
From: WHIPLASH
To: donkey
Subject: let me do you like i did the others
here, all i need you to do is profess your friendship
for me and then spend all the energy you can spare on
me and my problems until you burn out and it comes down
to a choice between YOUR LIFE or MY PROBLEMS and thend
you choose your life, as any sane creature would (and
to be honest with you, as the voice of experience, even
most insane creatures choose this way too so this is a
real strong endorsement of this strategy) and then we
have an awkward painful seperation and
That's That,
rob
PS -- "bye", in case we don't have time/inclination later
=============================================================
Date: Tue, 24 May 94 23:42:24 EDT
From: DFOSS@CCVM.sunysb.edu
Organization: State University of New York at Stony Brook
Subject: going to visit barbara undrugged
To: Donkey
Friday I actually went to Philadelphia unDrugged, and barbara jesusfuck is
*miffed* that the foss was nodding out and whipped out a book to glom when
things got slightly boring for over a second and a half, which suffices to
induce nodding out; also, yawning, staring at the floor, going back early
onnacounta sleepy. Told her she shouldabeen honored that the unDrugged foss
actually went down to Philadelphia and met her, barbarajesusfuck, atappointed
time, same would never occur for anyone otherthan. The latter divided into
(a) women, and (b) else, I told her, and for one or another reason would be
told I'm unable to travel unDrugged, wait for signal, have Drugs willtravel.
jesusfucks just don't get it.
Daniel A. Foss
=============================================================
Date: Wed, 25 May 94 17:36:50 EDT
From: "Daniel A. Foss" <DFOSS@CCVM.sunysb.edu>
Organization: State University of New York at Stony Brook
Subject: barbara i want your apt
To: Donkey
jesusfuck i want your apartment. your response should be, "When I'm through
with it," which is the usual comeback to "I want your body," except it's
your apartment I want, which you are about through with. Be ye in Austin
or one of those software cities in there, or in your mountaintop WASP hive
at daddy'shouse, you aint gonna be there. If this is too late, give me one
of the shards from the broken lease, I'll cut my wrists. Or you canSacrifice
me. Today I'd prefer it was the Dark Hall of the Atlantic, not the SunFun
Happy Hall of the Pacific, wielding the knife. You can have video and movie
rights. Five Ten is more than a woman to me.
Guaranteed I won't annoy the landlord with noisome people noising about.
I am a recluse, of necessity in the unDrugged state as I shall beforevermore,
who will not annoy you with phonecalls, cannot be bothered owning anything
electrical or fencible. Only downside landlordwise is creepiness. Committed
to fiscal rectitude, avoidance of debt & credit, and propt payment ofbills.
Would dearly love to attend Leri monsterrally in Chicago in July (22-24),
meaning, must be moved by July 21. As the new generation says yes to Drugs,
I shall say adieu. I've had my fun, now must Suffer Inna End. Drugs are
Radix Omnium Malorum, the author of my Ruin; though had money still been
the Root of All Evils, I mighta have got this way through Avarice. It's
been a wild life of insensate dissipation, here in this windowless computer
room. Just ask Ping, who will tell you what Tom, the Director, says is
Policy. Tom is white, if only Irish. I love you. Because you haven't called
me Racist, like Stephanie J. Nelson.
Regards,
Daniel A. Foss
=============================================================
Date: Mon, 30 May 1994 21:05:49 -0500 (EST)
Subject: There is ONE Subject, and always only ONE
Sender: Golden Boy <00bcpalmer>
To: Donkey
Hail to the various few here and to our valiant wardead!
Knew a fellow named OKTOBER who was extremely good at saying hello. It put alot
of people off. Fuck that shit, people would say.
So, what we have here is a collection of bees who have swarmed, who hive
smarmed, who smive hurmed, whive smoo ruhdem...
Doctor Quinn. We were seeking help.
everyone is always a part of everyone.
exploding head.
b "writ in the style of rdh" <p>
=============================================================
Date: Mon, 30 May 1994 21:13:21 -0500 (EST)
Subject: The Blessed Virgin Mary AKA The BVM!
Sender: Golden Boy <00BCPALMER>
To:Donkey
While staring at her picture I try simultaneously to let her go
Ascend Virgin Mother! Get up there to the skies beyond the clouds!
Say ciao to the greasy food and counting fat grams stop stop stop theinsanity.
Oh Blessed VM, my BMW ASAP sandwich girl, making a jar for me.
You could piss in a jar easier than Joseph could or any angel.
But they didn't have jars, so on your way past the cumulii, say hello toMars
and my mother, your mother, the mother, a mother, mother fucker, holy spirit
seed me free.
brent "workin' man" <pollen>
=============================================================
Date: Tue, 31 May 94 10:05:22 CST
From: GR4302
To: Donkey
Subject: Holy Mole Catman!
Gosh folks I don't know what to say..... I've actually got a job
offer that I think I could take, and another possibility coming
down the pike. It's occured to me that I won't be GR4302 anymore
after this summer after years and years of that being my main
net nomicker. Yeh, I'll be heading somewhere, maybe toward some
of you southern types. Well heck I'm already in So. Ill. But
maybe west and north instead. My e-head's spinning but I just
had to let y'all know. I suppose I should also let you know that
my rill name is Jeff Taylor for those of who too e-inept to
finger it out. Don't worry--I'll be around this summer and will
take y'all wit' me where ever I go. Pardon me....I'm getting a
little misty....talk among yourselves a moment....
;^##
gr4302
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