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=============================================================
From: MERCIFUL LEE DICKENS <DICKENS>
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
Date: Tue, 18 Aug 1992 13:46:00 -05
Subject: Reply to Re: FNORD-L & LERI-L
>
OH YEAH, YA LITTLE PUTZ?!? YOU *WISH* IT WERE THAT WAY, YOU AND YOUR
TYPE, "DONTCHA JUST KNOW". WOULD MAKE IT ONE WHOLE HELL OF A LOT EASIER
FOR YOU IF THERE WEREN'T ANY BLOODY PROBLEMS, SO YOU JUST GO RIGHT
AHEAD AND DROP YOUR PLEASANT "HAVE A NICE DAY" SOUND BITES ON THE
UNSUSPECTING PUBLIC WHO GOBBLE IT UP CUZ THEY DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER
AT ALL. YOU JUST KEEP YOUR LERI-L, BOY, THAT'S WHAT YOU CAN DO; JUST
LET IT BE A SAFE HAVEN FOR THE UNSUSPECTING, BUT YOU WON'T FOOL THIS
TOP CAT, NOSIRREE BUCKAROO, AS, ON MY WORD AS A CARTOON AND A GENTLEMAN,
IF I CATCH YOU SPREADING YOUR DISGUSTING FILTH AROUND HERE AGAIN,
I'M A GONNA OPEN A CAN O' WHOOP-ASS ON YOU, BOY.
That one was called, "Mercifull sic Lee on Sabbatical".
Thank you and gook night!
M.
*** Comments from UNTANGLED FROM THAT DAMN HAMMOCK:
HEY!!!!
GIMME THAT!
WHO TOLD YOU YOU COULD PLAY WITH MY STUFF?!
Dickens
=============================================================
From: MERCIFUL LEE DICKENS <DICKENS>
Subject: Reply to Merciful Dickless
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
Date: Thu, 20 Aug 1992 13:03:00 -05
LIBALP said:
>
>Why don't you give these guys a break, Egghead?
Your use of the plural concerns me, O Autobiographical One.
Bugaloo certainly gets a break; his remark bears repeating, and no
kidding, Thou Shameless Older Fellow Thou. Pat's in charge and can
therefore create his own breaks, wouldn't you say, CheeseWizard?
So take another look, You Who Repeat Yourself When Under Stress, and
you'll find-
OKAY, OKAY, I'M TIRESOME ALREADY!!! WHY DON'T YOU JUST PULL MY
FUCKING TEETH OUT WITH YOUR BIG GREASY HAND AND PUT THEM ON YOUR
MANTLE, YOU NASTY, uh uh uh, NASTY BIG PICKING-ON-OTHER-PEOPLE-PERSON!
Merciless Dickfull indeed!
General Mills hereby submits his pencil neck to Cuthbert's L'il
Penknife(tm). May they say: He din't live quite long enough.
*** Comments from INAPPROPRIATE HISTRIONICS:
No wait, COME BACK, LITTLE BUDDY!
I DIDN'T MEAN IT!!!!
ohmydearsweetgod,
What have I done?
What have I
(sob)
DONE?
General!
GENERAL!!!
comebackyoubiguglylugi'msorrysorrysorrydoyouhearmesorry!?!
Ah well, to hell with him.
Merciful Lee Dickens
Darwinian Bastard
=============================================================
From: MERCIFUL LEE DICKENS <DICKENS>
Subject: Reply to IdEAL ORDER Psychic
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
Date: Thu, 20 Aug 1992 08:12:00 -05
>
IdEAL ORDER Psychic TV continues its regularly scheduled "jamming" of
the media/state with the following changes during the RepublicanConvention.
EST - 8:00 - 10:00 PBS/NBC Joint Coverage will be "illuminated."
If their coverage lacks access to the floor I'll be switching to the CBS
coverage.
I had the profound pleasure of "zapping" Ronald Reagan again Monday night.
Long time, no see... The IdEAL ORDER Psychic TV project began its serious
jamming efforts with the 1983 Republican Convention. Nine years ofcensorship
by the public and private press and electromagnetic medias have effectively
kept discussions of this phenomenon underground. Mondo 2000 (yawn...)still
would rather cover the latest pop music losers than a real cyberpunkaction.
What do you expect from real people and real interpersonal politics?Truth?
cough...
Jeff Harrington
idealord@
*** Comments from CRYSTAL MELT INTERFACE:
I THOUGHT that was you!
Well done!
I anticipate (slavering drooling compulsively rubbing my hands
together) your zap window during the illuminated Dan Quayle appearance
this evening. I'm practicing sharpening things mentally as I post
this, in order to be finely honed, should your keen edge (diamond apex
jettisoned through virtual forehead of said celebrated buffoon) desire
company.
I'm a little rusty. The last time I tried overlaying was in 1972 on
the Johnny Carson show, when I had Joey Heatherton squat down and pick
up Pepsi bottles without using her hands (reported successfully by
National Lampoon, incidentally), but it's like riding a bicycle, you
know: you never forget how.
I shall be anxiously awaiting a chance to solo, should you feel so
inclined.
Power To Spare
Nah,
Little Rusty
======================================================================== From: UNDETERMINED ORIGIN C/O POSTMASTER <POSTMASTER@UBVM.BITNET>
Date: 08/21/92 12:28:09
Subject: Re: robert [re: brain areas]
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
Date: Fri, 21 Aug 1992 11:16:26 EDT
Comments: <Parser> E: Original tag was -
> FROM: Young Zeke- The Forgotten Clampett
Subject: Re: robert [re: brain areas]
In-Reply-To: Message of Thu, 20 Aug 1992 21:44:37 PDT from<jprovo@GNU.AI.MIT.EDU>
On Thu, 20 Aug 1992 21:44:37 PDT <jprovo@GNU.AI.MIT.EDU> said:
>No-one ever said EVERYTHING has to - but this fucking list is CHARTEREDwith a ]
>reason to exist.
Joe, I've said this a million time- if you've got something new and
exciting to say about the Eight-circuit model, POST IT, instead of
wasting your time and ours with these incessant complaints about how
you don't think other people are acting like they oughta. If what
you have to say is properly scintillating, it should drive the text
orgy (nice turnophrase, whoever) into the virtual retirement home;
we call this the marketplace of ideas. The problem in the past has
been that most of the on-topic stuff has consisted of pointless
reiterations of chapters from books we've all read, trivia questions
about Leary's marital status, and long, self-important travel pieces
from the fifth circuit; and the Collected Rantings of the Apostle
Foss is gonna get a higher number than this kinda shit, everytime.
Oh, well; what the hell- I suppose you guys aren't actually trying
to convince anybody anyway. The convo here in Fnord Land has been
almost annoyingly representational for more'n a week now, but the
peanut gallery keeps on dropping in the same old, tired complaints...
========================================================================
From: "DANIEL A. FOSS" <DFOSS@CCVM.SUNYSB.EDU>
Subject: at first thought he was blind but now can this really be th
Sender: General Anthropology Bulletin Board <ANTHRO-L@UBVM.BITNET>
Date: Sat, 29 Aug 1992 20:35:54 EDT
Subject: at first thought he was blind but now can this really be the end
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sat, 29 Aug 1992 19:55:39 EDT
From: "Daniel A. Foss" <DFOSS@CCVM.SUNYSB.EDU>
Subject: eyestrain
Please be advised that I have herewith broken my Resolution on the occasion
of Tish'ah B'Av (Jewish Fast of Depression) to refrain from further posting
to this list because my good friend Allan Adler is in error due to apparent
eyestrain: The initial passage said to have been posted to FNORD-L was in
fact from a private letter: I sign all postings to lists, "Daniel A. Foss,"all
private letters to Allan Adler, "<<<?>>>" emblematizing"phoniness," viz,
"the dissassembled elements of the six pointed star kneeling in adoration of
the Nameless One who will come at the end of time to Deconstruct the
Unrevealed Text."
I use FNORD-L as a dumping ground for humorous fictionalized
Kafkaizations of, well, e-mail rumors of whatever's said to be outside this
room, in the tradition of Kafka's Amerika, a book written with the explicit
assumption that it would be the better for his never having gone anywhere
near the United States. He was clearly right. I continue this tradition as the
Martian living within the country: Although not actually *from* Mars,
certainly looking Marsish, "severe appearance deficits" says John H.
Gagnon, world-famous sociologist of deviance. Writing humor for FNORD-
L is a hobby indulged during breaks from fooling around writing for serious
lists. So if Allan will recheck the last line, he'll find that<<<?>>>. Whence
follows, that what I wrote Allan in that letter was jazzed-up gossip of the
usual sexist character, which, as I told him two letters later, was subject to
"errors and distortions in the retelling." In contrast to out and out
fictionalization in deliberate TV mode, where potsherds of the True are built
into a [w]hole that's False; never watch TV either.
So Al, if you're within sound of my keyboard, GO TO SLEEP, we age, the
eyeball rots, the worldaround turns chalkdeath white on midnightblack
background with bloodred Command Line before us always everywhere.
Daniel A. Foss "Not pseudo anything, a *real* phony!"
========================================================================
From: "DANIEL A. FOSS" <DFOSS@CCVM.SUNYSB.EDU>
Date: 09/01/92 20:51:32
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
Subject: Yes, Marilyn Garber, there IS a FNORD-L
Yes, Marilyn Garber, there is a FNORD-L, a real FNORD-L just for good strong
women like yourself and a few far above average men you decide to let in after
due deliberation and checking out of references. Trouble is, that is not to be
confused with the Visible FNORD-L, which is just a bunch of guys in funny suits
the COMPUTERLAND chain has hired to push computer game-software for the
duration of the consuming season, which is why they stole the shopping carts
from Waldbaum's Supermarkets. Oh I forgot, you don't have Waldbaum's in DH
in the state of C at whose SU you are in. You have maybe Ralph's where "No
prices are lower prices than Ralph's Prices." Or The Food Chain in Tierra
Despoblada City TD and vicinity. Vicinity includes Gringos Negros TD, where
several hundred runaway slaves lived in peace and security and neighborly joy
with everybody till they were killed in 1848....
The Visible FNORD-L is, statistics show, that's what statistics are paid for,
they're Temporaries now, get no Benefits, show that 80 percent or more of it,
FNORD-L, is male, 10 percentish female, the remainder from the other two
genders (software and hardware), Unknown, Concealed (not counting those we
know who they are anyhow), Miscellaneous, or Language Too Foreign To
Hazard A Guess. You know what *that* implies.
More than any generation of women before you, you know that men are scum.
This is borne out by the fact that without doubt scum is the part of them theymost
often point at you with pride. Women can do everything men can do, and much
more besides. You don't need men, you will have them around out of pure moral
impulse as found on Carol Gilligan's Island. "Men," as your sisterhood hassaid
all too many times, and remember that *Anything said the second time isalready
false*; never lay down on the Creating job, you hear[?], "just don't get it."
Certainly if anybody was going to get it among my fellow men I was going toget
it, they keep telling me "Yer gonna get it, Foss," but I never got it either.This is
because I, like nearly all my fellow men, am stupid, genetically defective(not
counting factory defects of design and engineering peculiar to myself whereofI
once was proud on i-am-an-armenian day), Inferior to the XX gender which is
never to be confused with Mexican beer. There are, as you may know if you are
as Jewish as you look, a maximum of thirty-six (36) good men, useless for the
Marines of course, but equal to 2*18, where 18 is a magic number in Jewish
numerology. The figure is likely to be high; see Gershon Scholem, Jewish
Mysticism, for the total exclusion of women from the practice of this form of
superstition.
"Women," I have myself written, "are not on the average much smarter thanother
people." That is actually an illusion, an artifact of what has hitherto been
*allowed* by my fellow men, on top whereof, they have shamelessly finagled
with the IQ (unartificial intelligence) test, picking and choosing theirsubtests to
make both organic genders come out even. Males like things to come out even or
symmetrical, it's a hormonal thing. And never forget that Wechsler, the herowho
died for the Jewish people in stealing the secret of the definition of thecognitive
from the wicked goy momzer Lewis B. Terman, on account whereof one point
four billion Chinese people today honor the name of Wechsler also, was a
*man*, this is no accident. I say, let women, who deserve it on principle andit's
anyhow men's turn to be "it," decide what Thinking is, For A Change. And 91%
of the US population, when asked in a survey last week, Want A Change.
If Thinking, itself, is a man's trick for a man's world, then it follows evenin
male-dominated logic that New Ways of Thinking have got to be "No Girlz
Allowed" type things. Remember the Sexual Revolution? Remember Psychedelic
Drugs? Remember Dropping Out? Ask your mother, who lived through those
times. What your mother probably did was become one of the first feminists,
who were a bunch of Jewish women who witnessed the pathetic Jewish verison
of Macho, Richard Alpert or Mark Rudd, all the same, and said, "Foo, you don't
exist," and <poof>. Women, who aren't allowed to have a history, areforever
redis covering that: 1. Civilization is a racket devised to get somebody elseto do
the work, such that some do the work and a wholly different crowd does the
civilization. That is why men expanded their consciousness. And: 2. What isnot
deemed worth the time and energy of a Complete Human Being is consigned to
women and slaves. Just ask Plato. Ask Aristotle. Ask Socrates, when he was just
small.
To prove this, I showed an undoubted New Way of Thinking. And what was it?
Some flame war between two guys which, when they got the testosterone
flowing over really central-to-the-identity stuff, lapsed more and more intoa
language which might as well be Martian to anyone else so far as they were
concerned but was just common Arabic. Big deal.
Women can do better, anybody can, but that leaves women. The rest of anybody
have had their day. There's two more genders coming up, and I'll tell you all
what it's like with men and software, women and hardware, when the occasion
and common decency permits, but good luck to you and your sisters. And, you
hear, keep clear of all gods and the True Self, no matter what the Psychology
Dept does to you in the cellar (prepare to be brave).
Yours very truly, Daniel A. Foss, who in return for this hopes topleabargain
to a lesser charge after the revo.
========================================================================
From: <SCOTTO>
Date: 09/04/92 11:35:52
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
In other news today, a recent poll shows that three out of four people in
America today make up seventy-five percent of the population. The Bush
administration, when pressed for comment, issued the following statement
stolen from other sources in what some are calling the lamest attempt at humor
this side of the post just before this one: "Yeah, well, that's just physics."
I gotta get me a job, you know?
========================================================================
From: <LIBALP>
Date: 09/04/92 13:26:11
Subject: Filmstrip version
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
America today make up seventy-five percent of the population. The Bush
stolen from other sources in what some are calling the lamest attempt at humor
administration, when pressed for comment, issued the following statement:
In other news today, a recent poll shows that three out of four people in
this side of the post just before this one. I gotta get me a job, you know?
"Yeah, well, that's just physics."
========================================================================
From: ROBERT HOLDER <WHIPLASH>
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
Date: Fri, 11 Sep 1992 18:46:48 EDT
Subject: Bon Appetit (wafer-thin)
Now I'm handing out pills to all my office coworkers. Uppers and downers,
bennies, blues, reds, everything. They are flocking to my desk, crowding
my already cluttered office and making curt, red-faced appeals to me for
drugs, affecting a sort of phony, brink-of-screaming-in-my-face friendli-
ness all the while arguing with each other about their places in line, dark
circles under their eyes set off in the flushed angry faces left etched
and twitching from a lifetime of soulessness. They push. They shove.
They grab my shoulder in desperation. They squeeze my crotch, male and
female, hoping for some fast, inside track to the big score. Slobbering,
some of them begin downing a brown sludge made from a cup of groundtylenol,
a pound of dark coffee, and a pint of water. They're all desperate for
some buzz, some rush, some escape from their soulless lives. There are a
few whose dry shrunken frantic hearts have taken them to the roof with
Hefty (tm) garbage bags and 3-ring binders in a frenzied attempt to learn
skydiving and hang-gliding before it's too late.
They assume every form of dangerous, degenerate pastime, sexual,
athletic, financial, intellectual, some combining several or all of their
elected preoccupations into one: freediving to a one minute orgy in 90
feet of the shark infested waters of Australias' Great Barrier Reef, their
naked bodies smeared with fish entrails and blood, and all participating
in a sign language debate of the merits of Nazism.
They gobble drugs, money, and their own feces before my eyes, walking in
and out of my office in a hazy trance. They rake each other with their
brittle, splitting fingernails, leaping to their deaths, charging machine
gun nests in vain, pushing each other into and out of the path of oncoming
trains and trucks, tearing, ripping clawing each other in a crazed froth
of white mucous and semen.
The light breaks over the foaming white sea, alive with bubbles that
surface slowly, some two hundred feet across, bulging, growing, forming
into giant domes of translucent white film over twenty or thirty seconds,
then bursting in a crown peaked in white globs five feet across which arc
high into the air, vibrating in release for one moment at apogee, and
plunging back into the froth, over and over, to the horizon.
have a good weekend. have a good weekend. did you have a good
weekend? here's your change. have a nice day. have a good weekend.
have a good weekend. thanks. have a good weekend. have a nice day.
so how was your weekend? so what are you doing this weekend? have
a good weekend. have a good weekend. did you have a good weekend?
home number? work number? have a good weekend. license and
registration? did you check the mail? did you lock the door? did
you mail the check? oh god let me in please he's gonna kill me this
time open the door please! did you have a nice weekend? thank you,
have a nice day. here's your change. would you like to order?
remember pearl harbor. have a nice day. did you have a good weekend?
have a good weekend.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~robert holder~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~VISUALIZE MECHANIZED WARFARE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
=============================================================
From: MERCIFUL LEE DICKENS <DICKENS>
Subject: IS YOUR GOD DEAD?
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
Date: Thu, 17 Sep 1992 13:02:00 -05
Here
Try one of mine
Merciful
========================================================================
From: <LIBWCA>
Subject: re: THE DIVINE MASTERS
Reply-To: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
Date: Fri, 18 Sep 1992 12:10:05 EDT
In-Reply-To: Message of 09/18/92 10:46:06 from
<RICH=GAUTIER%SETA%DRC@S1.DRC.COM@>
On 09/18/92 10:46:06 <RICH=GAUTIER%SETA%DRC@ @> said:
>
> God's holy spirit is referenced as 'the finger of God', and otherreferences
> that lead us to believe(some of us anyway) that his holy spirit is merelya
> force by which he gets things done.
>
> Rich G
So essentially, God is to The Holy Ghost as Moe is to Shemp?
========================================================================
From: ERNEST <LIBALP>
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
Date: Tue, 22 Sep 1992 15:11:00 EDT
Subject: re: question
>How did you get CropCircle from hciR?
>Just Wondering.
>||||||Reituag Hcir
1) How do you NOT get CropCircle from hciR? I've gotten CropCircle from
far less.
2) The same way you get the Truth out of a yellow bellied liar: you squeeze
and squeeze until his face turns blue and then he tells it to you. Remember:
yellow belly>blue face.
3) It was prophesied that you would deny CropCircle 3 times before the
Cube crowed. But who wants to wait 3 times?
4) How else do you get CropCircle? Careful, it's a trick question.
Tiring quickly of my new name,
Ernest
========================================================================
From: <LIBWCA>
Subject: $5 BILL REPLIES
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
Date: Thu, 24 Sep 1992 19:07:07 EDT
Ah, CHEATING. Dear, sweet, innocent CHEATING. You'll note that the
only mention of the recent outbreak of ancephaly in Texas was by a
news service which is, to put it delicately, made up almost entirely
of Limeys. These poor, primitive foreigners are not fluent, so to
speak, in the local culture, but we know, don't we? Here in the
South, WE ARE ALL BORN WITHOUT BRAINS. Some of us are just better at
hiding than others. Didn't you ever see 'The Dukes of Hazzard'?
I had assumed that you were a card-carrying atheistic communistic
yankee sumbitch; if not, you had best get with the program before
we swarm northward in all our inbred, possum-eating glory and rip
your chitlins from your engorged bellies to feed our two-headed
mutant hogs. WE'RE SERIOUS, goddamnit. I, personally, hate and
fear you because you don't play the banjo and have never had sex with
anyone in your immediate family.
========================================================================
From: "DANIEL A. FOSS" <DFOSS@CCVM.SUNYSB.EDU>
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
Date: Sat, 26 Sep 1992 20:33:55 EDT
Subject: way to go
Roger Mudd: Mr. President, just what if anything did you mean by 'The colleges
and universities of this nation have become a breeding ground for VAXes ofevery
description....
********* TTV INTERRUPTS THE WHITE HOUSE PRESS CONFERENCE TO BRING YOU
******** ********* THE GAME SHOW THE SPONSOR PAID FOR AT THIS TIME*********************
THIS TELEVISION NETWORK a LISTSERVice of UBVM and many other fine stations
PRESENTS
YOUR BEST SHOT
-----------------------
Voiceover: The hottest, the coolest, syndicated pornogameshow the Syndicatehas
ever put into syndication! And here are our co-hosts, Cal Pryluck, Professorof
Radio, TV, and Film Studies at Temple University, Phiadelphia PA, you see him
daily on HISTORY@UBVM, our sister station....
Pryluck: I am strictly here for the publicity.
Voiceover: and sbasgall@vaxa,weeg.uiowa.edu JUST got that doctoral degree from
the University of Farmstate, scene of massive immigration from Akademgorod in
the former Commonwealth of Independent States, so Akademgorod, Farmstate, big
improvement over whatever boring Thingie it was before, is where Ms, *Doctor*!
Basgall hails and farewells from, at least since she joined the show. You know
Sandra Basgall from WORLD@UBVM and ANTHRO-L@UBVM....
Basgall: So thrilled, WEEG just had six kittens. Now here's the star of ourshow,
AMERICA'S SWEETHEART, the woman who's singlehandedly caused *more
feminist theory* in two months than came out since the *Second Wave*, won'tcha
wave to the studio audience? <cheers> The woman on account of whom, byher
lonesome, we had to *sink* Carol Gilligan's Island!
I give you... ***** ***** AMY FISHER ***** ***** !!!
Amy: I'm *out*, cuz, you know, I *missed*, and didn't rack up the kill, they
gonna give me time if, and only if, I wasted, blew away, you know,
killkillkilled a non consenting adult, which don't apply here, we only got
*consenting* adults. OK, you three guys, put yer X on yer copy of the Informed
Consent Form what makes you an Official Consenting Adult.
<klik> Now U skuo the clip into my piece, you know the rules, clothesoff, the
three of ya, rules is, one of you suicidal bastards who does a Thingie to mybody
that sends my soul to, you know, *no return*, at the end of the show is an*instant
winner* cuz I'll feel such gratitude and compassion I'll *blow yer head cleanoff*!
<zip> Nobody does it, I pick the semifinalist and at the *next* round yajust might
getcher round!
<swsh> Here, I slipped my slip...
Let's play YOUR BEST SHOT
------------------------- but first, this message --------------------------
...so three of us went up there, needing death, needing it *bad*, Joe Provo,
Dana "Felonious Cube" Rollins, and, this is the most totally unreal thing in
the history of competition, Daniel A. Foss, a maximum of one of whom was gonna
take the Big Prize. What I knew, and the studio audience didn't, was how, you
know, *unpredictable* in the clutch in such matters LSD is, which is what ifthey
have got any habits at all, being flaked off on acid is ahead of staring atfingernails
watching the growing thereof, and I had sufficient orange pills from Dr A to
[deleted] for two solid days thanks to holy books of the nei tan school ofDaoism
from kid sister Miriam, a little mind control, and vitamin E. But as LyndonBaines
Johnson once said, "The Great Society asks, not How Much, but, How Good."
Daniel A. Foss TTN@UBVM Television News, Long Island
========================================================================
From: "DANIEL A. FOSS" <DFOSS@CCVM.SUNYSB.EDU>
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
Date: Wed, 30 Sep 1992 22:15:56 EDT
Subject: Will the male organisms shut up?
Now hear this mallrats, you got two (2) reasonable (though not sensible cuz
that is the way biology and evolution did it) possibilities. One, all male
entities shut up, get out of this discussion, because no man is knocked up here
except me and I do not wish to discuss it, I am sick to my stomach all the time
and cannot sleep. At least it doesn't show yet. For reasons of making a living
in the coming slave economy under Capn Bill if he gets in, as I explained
yesterday, the fetus will be carried to term and released on its own
recognizance pending the filling out of the informed consent form that it wants
to be born.
If you got only one woman, recruit more. Pay money for them to curse you
out, you deserve it, it would be a meaningful growth experience.
Two, you shut this station down, go off the air.
Zarch, Daniel A. Foss
========================================================================
From: "DANIEL A. FOSS" <DFOSS@CCVM.SUNYSB.EDU>
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
Date: Thu, 1 Oct 1992 16:29:55 EDT
Subject: Credentials
Gautier, are you a woman? That's funny, you don't look Jewish. Buzz off, no
boys allowed, especially pimply little Jewish talmudic scholar faggots like
me. The abuse came from second wife. Produce a woman or get off this list.
Zeus did it. - DAF
========================================================================
From: "DANIEL A. FOSS" <DFOSS@CCVM.SUNYSB.EDU>
Date: 10/01/92 18:34:09
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
Subject: No, MM, you have got it wrong
Over here you have got 80% of the people who come from Inferior neighborhoods,
go to Inferior schools (where the schools are not actual human rights
violations), the content of the education imparted therein is that those who
go to said school are Inferior. This prepares them either for no jobs at all,
which is said to be their fault because they are so Inferior no jobs existed,
or for jobs where they can get threatened with, "We do not pay you to think!"
It follows logically from this, not formal logic but the kind of logic used in
the society that exists (so that Shrinks can make money by telling you if you
believe society does not exist you will be Successful in society and get paid
in women), that whatever is going on in the heads of people not paid to think
is not thinking.
10% are prepared for jobs where there is a polite fiction that they are paid
to think. What is actually so is, whatever goes on in their heads if anything
is what is defined as thinking.
10% have a fighting chance, fighting among themselves that is, to get into the
second group; most sink into the first. Smart is a magical attribute of thesecond group;
Stupid is the evil magic by which the first is accursed. I have been Smart,
then they took away my licence to operate a mind, now I am Stupid; and
believe me, Smart is nicer. The difference is, I write better and read more
books, which is called Doing Nothing.
Daniel A. Foss,
who thanks MM <mbm> for saying no more about abortion, etc
========================================================================
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: "Daniel A. Foss" <DFOSS@CCVM.SUNYSB.EDU>
Subject: Before Richard Nixon: Illuminatigate, White Terror,
and Media Enemies List in the John Adams Administration
Those of you who are old enough, and I see a large neonatal cohort in theseminar
room, so there cannot be all that many, know that I have spent a lifetime,which is an
unimaginably long time to all of you, studying [barnyard epithet] across spaceand
time. When they paid me, I had to call it something else like "ideology," whichcut
into sales. Now we call it something else, which has a French scent to it,thanks to
Pierre Bourdieu.
Who but a fucking Frog would know about snob appeal? Certainly not those of
you with Gold Cards. Your serious snob knows that snob appeal is *not* having a
gold card. So it took this fucking Frog, Bourdieu, to call his seminal work onthe
fundamental gibberish for description of [barnyard epithet] Outline Of A Theoryof
Practice. Which means how we go about our business [barnyard epithet]ing
ourselves that we know what we are doing when we are blind staggering drung on
our ouwn misrepresentation of whatever *is*, but we meanwhile are going by the
*aint* and are calling it Reality, which is self-evident, plain as the nosejobon yer
face.
This is of course the same Pierre Bourdieu who wrote Discrimination, themost
difficult, most definitive work on snob appeal ever written, opaque to everyone
except those in the know. As an Authority, and fully alert to the criticalimportance of
[barnyard epithet], this fucking Frog knew he had to use Greek and Latin wordsfor
what goes on in the head. May I have the first slide, please.
And before I forget, it was a fucking Frog my first wife ran off with, so Iam racist
about Those People.
This shallow superficial layer here, represented by the thin filmy slime, iswhat you
believe. It is technically called the *doxa*. You are allowed to believeanything
except delusions. A delusion is a belief which is selfevidently untrue. Whatmakes its
untruth self-evident? This large brownish mass of pulpy sludge down here, whichis
technically called the *habitus*, which is what runs your life when you can'tbe
bothered, which is nearly all the time something life-threatening orspectacularly cute
is not present. Any assumption or chain of attributional inference heuristicsor
cognitive schemata - almost everything worth not thinking about is now knownabout
non-thinking thanks to the pioneering work of Hebert Simon, Professor of
Psychology and Computer Science at Carnegie Mellon and his clones whom we are
going to cover next time.
Next slide, please.
This is a social profile of your typical Illuminatus, circa 1780. Served inthe War of
the Bavarian Succession, 1778-1779; decorated for gallantry in love affairs,hedal of
honor for gambling debts, 1.3 duels, Nranch of service: Hussars, last book read
Diderot's Encyclopedie in the original which he cannot read, lastaccomplishment
swiping Benjamin Frnaklin's shoebuckle on Grand Tour in Paris.
Slide 3.
This is a list of what the Illuminatus is more or less for, when sober andor
thinking when forced to do so. (1) Free the serfs, but not too hastily,first
appointing a Blue Ribbon Commission to investigate the condition of the serfsand
their peculiar subhuman mentality so as to know what to expect when thay arenot
under the lash. (2) Enlightened Despotism. In a pinch, would start with thedespot
had try to Enlighten later. The Enlightened Despot does these things, or atleast one:
-- curbs the privileges of the Privileged Orders when these interfere with
upkeep of the Army. -- Expels the Jesuits. -- Is against Superstition, whichincludes
the Clergy apart from those who are relatives of Illuminati, Masons, and so
forth, and often are these same Masons, Illuminat, and so forth. But not sofar as to
leave the mass of the people unbefuddled, as Voltaire knew. Enlightened people
when sober can be trusted with Reason. Even with the mildly heretical. --
Standardizes weights and measures. -- Appointment by merit in the bureaucracyand
parts of the Army, except for people with really Serious pull.
as Reasonable men, hanging out in the salons of women much smarter than
themselves, the Illuminati will basically settle for two things: Luxury andsex. The
Illuminatus is so innocuous even when the Reactionaries are on his tail, hewaits
there. After all, he Knows people.
The Real, I mean objectively, Illuminati are as you see without theslightest effect
on the course of history. Almost like the Templars, who had the sole advantageof
gettig lied about from 450 years befer the Illuminati.
The next slide <click> shows a Federalist propaganda cartoon of anIlluminatus
stirring up Indians to kill white people in Indiana. What are Indians doing inIndiana?
They got stirred up by outside agitators. This <click> is a caricature ofan agent of
the French Revolution hiding under a bed, knife in mouth. <click> thisclipping is
an actual quote from Thomas Jefferson's scientific nonsense which actually saysthat
the white woman is superior in what is today clled "having orgasms." The sleazy
journalist wants to know what everybody already knows, which is is that Tom
Jefferson did enormous amounts of field research in the slave cabins. And whathe is
also insinuating is that Tom has been fooling around with his own daughters andhie
wives and children of neighbors.
Now put all tht together, and you have, like, that great 1968 commercialwith a
woman's footsteps clicking down a dark alley and the voiceover goes, THIS TIME,
NIXON. John Adams by a landslide. Like Nixon, he is the designated politicalheir
of a popular military hero. Like Nixon, he is weak, craven, cowardly, and hasno
Henry Kissinger. He even makes his worst enemy, Jefferson, Secretary of Stateto
get him out of the country. John Adams, Like Nixon, is Paranoid, knows inhis
guts he does not deserve to be President, believes that he does not really havePower
even thought he is President, and is constantly scheming and plotting, likeNixon, to
Seize Power from those who have actually got it which he does not. So what with
the stories of Illuminati in the backwoods, Foreign Spies undermining private
property at home, I mean, it was when the slaves of Santo Domingo heard about
Liberty, Equality, Fraternity in 1791 they did Savage things to white people,callled
themselves Free, and have never, under the name of Haiti, been forgiven eversisnce.
I remind you what a slave is, is valuable private property. With luck, a sexobject,
too, but mainly, someone who does the work so you can watch. Like a laundromat
without the quarters.
<click> This is the unseemly brawl in Congress when the Alien andSedition Acts
of 1798 were passed. Never did the government ask for, let alone get, such
sweeping powers against the media as it got in that package.
<click> A pro-Jefferson editor being hauled off to jail.
<click> The US Army hunting Illuminati in the woods.
<click> The US Navy fighting the Naval War with France.
<click> Panic-stricken rich people building fortifications to stop theFrench Army
on the New Jersey beaches.
<click> Catholic priest beaten up in chruch on suspicion of hiding anIlluminatus
because nobody's ever caught any.
"Reality, as it is listed in the phone book, has a real part and animaginary part of
which the imaginary part is allowed to be zero...." BONG BONG BONG BONG
BONG BONG BONG BONG The hell with you gwan, get outta here....
Daniel A. Foss
========================================================================
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: "Daniel A. Foss" <DFOSS@CCVM.SUNYSB.EDU>
Subject: Illuminati: surely we may come up with better fiction
Brother Maden gave us "Just the facts, ma'am, just give us the facts," modoJack
Webb and the insufferably tedious HISTORY@UBVM. To be sure, there's yet more
insufferably factual dreck about the Illuminati in the United States, wherethese
Illuminati were totally imaginary and as such could serve any purpose the
delusionaries and hallucinators reqaired them in their indubitable nonexistenceto
serve. In this instance, prior to the invention of the Red Scare, it was the
International French Revolutionary Jacobin-Jeffersonian levellers-Popish Plot
Conspiracy. And tis true, the original quasi-existent Illuminati - nosubversives exist
altogether where it is in the interest of the Police, claiming infiltrators anddefectors
deluging them with details were from a Catholic country. What made theimaginary
Illuminati a Major Menace to National Security circa 1787 was the vastdefenseless
expanse of the Western Reserve, which had been barred to slavery henceinflicted
with a scarcity of Real Men who instinctively knew what to to do anythinglooking
like a creepy-crawly minion of a Foreign Power inimical to Protestantism, faithof
Free Men. Nor were rumors of a Masonic connction any help, as the Masons, as a
Secret Lodge, were a priori elitist clandestine conspirators against honest butpoor
yeomen, armed and dangerous for winning of the West. In 1824 an allegedmurder
the victim whereof vansihed without any body or evidence of crime &foulplay ever
found, was blamed on preventive terror by Masons agianst a susbected whistle
blower. The result was a mass movement of anti-elitist farmers or, as theyshould
properly be called, peasants, which elected Congressbeings in seven states. The
Anti-Masonic Party was a precursor of the Whigs, a major party which, ofcourse,
harnessed the seething discontents of the Broad Masses to the insatiable greedof the
parasitic rich; Democrats did the same.
So what? Who cares? Tune in instead to wsn@csf.Colorado.edu for the unfolding
story of how the real rulers of Earth, the Ministry of Unorganized Territoriesand
Tourism of La Republica Centaurica, an extraterrestrial Mexico grosso modo, hadit
done on account of Inferior and belated intelligence for fear of Trouble withthe
Superpower of the Spiral Arm. We are experiencing difficulties with our
transmission of sex scenes, however. That's listserv@csf.Colorado.edu, text ofe-
mail should read sub wsn; the server wil get your name off the From: line.Hurry
before the plot unravels.
Daniel A. Foss
========================================================================
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: "Daniel A. Foss" <DFOSS@CCVM.SUNYSB.EDU>
Subject: Illuminati explained
Hail Queen Sylvania! Hail Field-Marshal General E.!
We of the *cyningas* who have not been chosen, that is, have not *feng torice*, it
is given unto us to run the Family Business which is light bulbs, incandescent,
fluroescent, laser, the whole schtick. We first encountered the Illuminati inthe
eighteenth century peddling snake oil from garishly painted wagons andpurporting
that said snake oil would enhance the brightness of the hot-selling cheap40-watt
(kids today, they never knew Cheap, the lowest cost is now Affordable which issix
times as much) to 60-watt emulation mode, and proportionately for add-onwattage
up to 100 watts which would Shine On like a one five oh.
We invited them, "take the pepsi challenge, wizard against wizard," Oz andback,
better bulb sold to the Dutch Tulip Mania. It was found that, while nobody muchwas
looking on account of the slovenly administration of the Viceroyalty of NewSpain,
Yellow Brick Rd had become Yellow Brick Blvd which is now and shall contuinue
in greater glory on completion of the four-laning, Yellow Brick Fwy, where Ozitxelf
has blastulated into E., S., Central, and the City of Industry.
Si much for Illuminati. They filed under Chapter 11, which was worse thanthe
Chapter 11 you know, you have gotta imagine the painting Justice by GustavKlimt;
or protection of the interests of the creditors by legislation written by FranzKafka
who learned everything he knew about the Insurance Business: The point of
Insurance is to take, say, Vague Nameless Dread and come up, given the raw
material, with a finsished machine-tooled Fear which may be specificallyInsured
Against. Well, bankrup they were under Capitalism; bankrupt they remained under
Communism; and when came time for Velvet Underground Revolution they were
only ones got Defenestrated. The Defenestrations of Prague were thus: 1419 1618
1948 1989 ---------------Next week: Good King Wenceslas explained.---------------
Now YOU help me. Explain what is SIEGEL52@SNYBUFVA, it bugs me. Explain
what is leri-l; feel need to subscribe. There is no rational explanation whyfeel such
need.
Be sure and /REGISTER <your name> for next semester and reading list willbe
about how crushing Truth to Earth goes on.
Whereon continentwise is H760? So little in a name nowadays.
God Is Large! Daniel A. Foss
========================================================================
From: <LIBWCA>
Subject: Now that we're all depressed as hell...
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
Date: Wed, 7 Oct 1992 16:42:01 EDT
X-To: sbrhym-l@sbccvm.BITNET
Hey, man- I was thinking about puppies! What for you want to lay
yer negative energy trip on my groovy head, daddy-o? I bake you
brownies; you no like? I give you fuzzy bunny. I like you, man.
you charp, I mean it. You razor. Why you so sad allatime? Why
you no take muffler off you car, drive real fast with loud music
anna girl got her some nice long legs, ey? Why you no drink the
fine, fine local wine, sing a song with girls and beer, fall
down, get up, hit you buddy inna face with you fist? Time out to
have some bodacious fun, you go watch the lifeguards fall inna sand,
you ride you big ol' hog inna church, man. You so sad, it make me
sad. I no like.
Angel-Eyes
=============================================================
From: MERCIFUL LEE DICKENS <DICKENS>
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
Date: Fri, 16 Oct 1992 16:09:00 -05
Subject: Reply to Delusions of grandeu
>
>Any takers?
>
>*** Comments from MERCIFUL LEE DICKENS:
>Yeah
>Gimme
Haw! Cube just wants to know if he's on it! That's all the reason he
wants it! Hyuk! In time, boy, in time. Has anybody ever said "Hey,whatever
happened to that Dickens feller?" like they do about Foss or Cheating, or
have you ever had anybody think you were dead like Bill thot Dr. AmosHaggard
was dead, huh? Pay yer fuckin' dues.
Can we have a Net Martyrs list with Robert Holder as the charter member?
alp
*** Comments from SWATS HIM LIKE A FLY:
Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain
For he is named Alpo
And though monkeys do bite and spurn him,
An expendable sad protuberance of Love's sad freaking nametag,
Alas!
You are in orgasm.
~~~
The Author wishes to acknowledge the creators of the Babble 2.0 program
from Korenthal Associates, Inc., for supplying ammo in a fresh,
attractive container.
========================================================================
From: MERCIFUL LEE DICKENS <DICKENS>
Subject: Breakfast Defined
Sender: Jazz Lovers' List <JAZZ-L@TEMPLEVM.BITNET>
Date: Fri, 23 Oct 1992 11:01:00 -05
Subject: Breakfast Defined
----------------------------Original message----------------------------
>From: LIBWCA
>Subject: Breakfast Defined
>To: Multiple recipients of list JAZZ-L
>
Breakfast Lovers:
Grits are horribly misunderstood. NOBODY could possibly eat the mushy,
disusting piles of whatever generally found in high school cafeterias
and whatnot; one must make them oneself (not from instant, either) and
one must use copious quanities of pepper, butter (not margarine) and,
most importantly, cheese. It also helps to use yellow grits rather than
white; they have a firmer consistency and are less likely to induce
vomiting.
Keep plenty big ol' homemade sourdough biscuits on hand, and mix yourself
a nice mimosa. Also some strawberry's with cream. And hot, black coffee.
And a paper. And make your kids act as man- and maidservants.
It also helps to live in the Hamptons, or the Bahamas, or maybe Venice.
And forget about making your kids act as servants- send your kids off to
military school,and convince your favorite person of the opposite gender,
or the same gender, or whatever, to act the role of nekkid serving wench
or serving stud.
All this should took place on a large sailing yacht, in the ocean.
Bill
========================================================================
From: SCOTTO
Date: 10/27/92 01:57:53
Subject: Illuminati FAQ
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
Don't forget the altogether joyous "Illuminati!!" board game by MiltonBradley,
the fabulous "Illuminati!!" video game by those zany Atari folk, the crazycrazy
Saturday morning "Weishaupt's Playhouse" series, the upcoming "Star TrekVII--
Illuminati Country," Billy Ray Cyrus' next big single "He May Have Been Crazy
But He Was My President," a wacky line of "Barbie's Illuminati Friends" by
Mattel, a new "Illuminati's Gotta Eat" cookbook from Betty Crocker, a line of
wacky soon-to-be-collector's-items "Illuminati!!" trading cards from the finefine
folks at Topps, "Illuminati!!" tie-in bulbs from General Electric, an"Illuminati
Meets The Peanuts Gang" animated special, and of course, your mother dead in
her bed at 2 in the goddamn morning...
=============================================================
From: MERCIFUL LEE DICKENS <DICKENS>
Subject: Reply to woke up this morning
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
Date: Wed, 28 Oct 1992 11:05:00 -06
>
intact! It was all a hoax. Just a twisted, vicious, Jim Jones-type
hoax, and I survived. idiots.
hey, who left the tv on? and the faucet running? THIS COSTS MONEY,
PEOPLE! geeze, doesn't anyone have any sense?
Hey, Bill, ya up yet? wanna get some grub? I'll make up my okra
pancakes! hey, bill, you in there? Bill? Arthur? Hey, guys,
come on, where are you? this is pretty stupid. you couldve at least
left a note.
Hey, Cube, you there? ah, maybe he's off in the cheating bunker
again eating those peanut butter n banana sandwiches and reading
comics. cheating? haggard? mbm? anyone?
hey, where'd everyone go? shit, it's true! it's true! I wasn't taken!
NO!
hee hee hee and CYNOVY gets off the first rapture post of this failed
religious day hee hee hee we're all SCREWED
*** Comments from THOROUGHLY DIPPED IN LAMB'S BLOOD:
Shhhhhhhh
Get down, dumbass. Want them to SEE you?!
Merciful Lee
========================================================================
From: <CYNOVY>
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
Date: Wed, 4 Nov 1992 16:04:43 EST
Subject: Re: Return of the Sausage
In-Reply-To: Message of Thu,
13 Aug 1992 15:39:00 GMT from <MATMACCONAON>
Have you ever seen a dream walking?
Well, I did.
Have you ever seen a dream talking?
Well, I did.
Have you ever seen a dream right in your arms, saying I love you, I do?
Well the dream that was walking and the dream that was talking and the
heaven in my arms was ros.
Happy Birthday, and God Bless Everyone!
You've been a complete disappointment AND a waste of time!
Good night!
libalp
========================================================================
From: "(MM)" <MBM>
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
Date: Thu, 5 Nov 1992 17:31:24 EST
Subject: sharp tops
X-To: fnord-l@ubvm.bitnet
Funcum dense as oak
is mute and reddening
while DEALER waits.
Why had no one taught him speed?
He looks down at his shoes,
but they are high tops,
and he passes.
Funcum the dummy
Funcum the loser
Funcum Uniball.
========================================================================
From: <LIBALP>
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
Date: Fri, 6 Nov 1992 10:13:18 EST
Subject: Re: GETCHER CHECKS
I'll see yer reflective Funcum and raise you a Pale Shadow of What
Once Was. Oh, and $3 on the fishhooks. Wait, make it $4 and the
Heart of an Honest Man. (Honk) And one boiled egg.
alp
========================================================================
From: <LIBALP>
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
Date: Wed, 11 Nov 1992 08:50:00 EST
Subject: MEMO TO LIBWCA
Date: November 11, 1992
Re: RE: HAG
Mr. Anderson,
Given the quality of your previous work, it pains me to inform you
that your latest submission is unacceptable. We are sending it back due tothe
dearth of Juicy Lines for Me to Deliver.
> Cuthbert, get that drunken old fool back in here,
> with or without his spleen!
You know I don't do spleen-talk, and yet, there it is.
I could be persuaded to do a cameo, if I am given the role of FUNCUM.
> Oh, the pain! Oh, death, where is thy sting?
These lines are quite nice, and can be delivered by me without theprofessional
compromise inherent in the Billy LIBALP role. I see CYNOVY cast as a somewhat
more mysterious Billy LIBALP than we have previously seen.
In subsequent drafts, you might want to think about OVERHEAD. Got me?OVERHEAD.
Granted, an off-screen murder is much cheaper, but I know your tendencies.
Think about: New Ways of Thinking
Regards,
alp
========================================================================
From: <LIBWCA>
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
Date: Wed, 11 Nov 1992 09:58:29 EST
Subject: Re: MEMO TO LIBWCA
In-Reply-To: Message of Wed, 11 Nov 1992 08:50:00 EST from <LIBALP>
Mr. Parker:
Thank you for you unsolicited critique of my recent screenplay, entitled
_Death Takes a Butt Break_. Given your proclivity for overly-broad,
Curly-Joe-like characterizations, I concede my mistake in considering
you for the part of the many-layered, sardonic gunslinger, Billy Libalp;
you will be happy to know that the role has been filled by Robert
McElwaine, currently very hot following his tour-de-force preformance in
_Whirling Gibberish_. We are very pleased, also, to have secured the
services of incomparable golden-age star Patrick Salsbury, who will
provide a brief-but-vital cameo in the heart-rending disinterment
scene; Mr. Salsbury agreed to do the role after representatives for
several current stars informed us that their clients "don't work with
leeches". There are several roles which remain uncast, including
one which might intrigue you:
DANIEL; a preacher-man.
Please have your agent call my office. I look forward to working with
you; you will, of course, provide your own sackcloth and sawed-off
rabbit-gun.
LIBWCA
LIBWCA Productions
========================================================================
From: SOMEBODY LIKE IT <LIBALP>
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
Date: Wed, 25 Nov 1992 11:55:36 EST
Subject: Caller from Boise
> Aloha?
> Idaho?
> Brian?
>Does LSD really end up in the spinal fluid? or is this just a bad dream.
-Brian in Idaho, go ahead please.
-Uh, yeah, I'd like to say Aloha to my girlfriend and--
-What's your question, please?
-Well, I've got some stuff in my spinal fluid, and, y'know, I was
wondering if it could be LSD.
-Yes, it is.
-And the bad dreams?
-Yeah, those too. Spinal fluid.
-Did you guys do this?
-Yes, we did.
-Okay, thank you.
-We've got a caller from hell. Caller from hell, what's your name?
-Joe Demon.
-What's your question, Joe?
========================================================================
Date: Wed, 9 Dec 1992 09:45:00 -06
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Dana Rollins <ROLLIDE@AUDUCADM.DUC.AUBURN.EDU>
Subject: Reply to Re: Reply to Re: Rep
>
Cube--
Perry Mason is a great theme, but nothing does it for me like the theme from
Peter Gunn
One foot in the sixties,
Hiram
*** Comments from FELONIOUS J. CUBENSIS:
Oh man!
That goes without saying!
You know, while we're on the subject of television, allow me to vent my
spleen on this little section of carpet for a minute and get out of my
system one of my longtime sources of teeth-gnashing vexation - the tv
commercial that happens to suck the worst at any given time.
Today I'm targetting that series of hideous K-Mart ads that think that
they're oh-so-very clever with all the busy little shoppers delivering
their oh-so-witty one-liners and insidious repartees while praising
K-Mart for making their miserable fucking pathetic lives so much
easier to bear. I GOTTA call bullshit on that. I have to SCREAM IT!
In the first place, where the hell is this mythical K-mart? I am
frequently confounded into entering them and I have NEVER seen shoppers
that even remotely resemble these contemptible androids being foisted
off on us! Who are these people? What is this shit?
Why don't they tell it like it is? Why not show the true picture of
what it's like in those God-forsaken hellholes?
Show the entire inbred hillbilly clientele, openly picking their noses,
talking aloud to themselves, slapping the living shit out of their
trailing brood of drooling imbecile children, yelling out in Tongues in
preparation for some Rapture to which no God in her right mind would
ever dream of summoning them.
Show the surly-assed mongrel bitch running the cash register. Zoom in
on that giant wad of gum she's chewing that rivals the size of the
goiter on her hairy neck as she yells across five aisles of impatient
customers that have been standing in line since the Great Depression,
"Beulah-Mae! How much on these Mickeymouse flip-flops?!".
Why doesn't any of that all-pervading atmosphere of impending doom -
like a hungry vulture that is circling overhead, waiting to pounce -
filter through these sanitized vignettes of charm school Americana?
Why doesn't that creeping sensation of dread - like a knife fight's
unmistakable smell of blood - waft in from that celluloid periphery?
I hate you, K-Mart, and your foul Purgatorical effluvuium that assails
my weary brain as it attempts to screen out the extraneous signals that
incessantly bombard me with a steady influx of useless banal prosaic
crap that goad me closer, ever closer, to your gun department.
Attention K-Mart Shoplifters:
Run screaming to the nearest exit and get a life!
This is not a test, we repeat, this is not a test.
We now rejoin the program which is already in progress.
Cube
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