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Date: Sat, 1 May 1993 05:56:08 CDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: "W. Smithers" <smithers@BARNEY.COM>
Subject: never now to know of Pokey's fate

Frankly, Gareth, I no longer give a damn what Father thinks:
Maggie from the outer office and I are eloping tomorrow at
dawn, as I have been most feverishly entranced this past
fortnight by the languid batting of her dark lashes and the
fervent roll of her eye as she filed the surrejoinders:
O, Blessed Angel! ... pray excuse me, I have quite lost the
direction of my thoughts. I should like you, Gareth, to have
the gold-plated fountain pen awarded to me upon my relegation
from the first eleven, together with any of my matchbook labels
you need to make up your own collection.

My deep respects to all at fnord-l: the support and comradeship
of my new friends has assisted me in reaching this weighty
decision. In particular, I should like to single out Mr. Dickens,
and convey once again my appreciation for the loan of his extensive
cache of, uh, "dubious" periodicals; I have returned them this
morning by postal courier under plain brown wrapping.

God bless you all, dear chaps,

W. Smithers

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Date: Mon, 3 May 1993 12:16:44 CDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: "W. Smithers" <smithers@BARNEY.COM>
Subject: Re: never now to know of Pokey's fate

I say, fellows, I'm a trifle aghast: see, I write just here, in this
message that came in this morning, that I intend to elope with
Miss Margaret Hawkins from the outer office, and, well, I'm blowed
if I am. Miss Hawkins and I have always enjoyed a mutually
respectful professional relationship, and I hope she looks on me
as a friend. What I mean to say is that she's a dashed nice young
girl, but I never thought to *marry* her -- is this what I do for
emphasis, or should I use percentage signs, I wonder; dear me, it
hardly matters now! Good heavens, can it be that someone would
impersonate me? What Gareth must think of me! And Mr. Dickens:
I had sought to gain his respect and now he'll think me a
bumbling fool; I'm made to blush.

Pray forgive me, I am quite distraught. Margaret must not hear
of this.

W. Smithers

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Date: Mon, 3 May 1993 14:46:04 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: BRAINCOP@DIRTY.ROTTEN.ORG
Subject: Re: never now to know of Pokey's fate
In-Reply-To: Message of Mon, 3 May 1993 12:16:44 CDT from<smithers@BARNEY.COM>

BRAINCOP has determined, through a wide variety of methods unavailable
to the likes of you, that the electronic entities know as Smithers, W
and Smithers, G constitute a virus program, probably initiated at the
request of certain elements of the Daniel Boyd All-Night Snooker and
Beer Club. SMITHERS is designed to burrow deep within the code of programs
connected to the machines of users who believe the Smither's Brothers to
be a virus program, disrupting vital funtions and causing minor alterations
in the fabric of Space/Time, thereby bringing about a situation in which
the Smithers Brothers will have actually existed, albeit in slightly
altered form. SMITHERS, while potentially fatal for life on this planet,
is little more than an elaborate practical joke, the aim of which is to
instill in one Willis, M the belief that she is actually a fictional
creation known as Hawkins, M, and that she is involuntarily affianced
to one or both of the Smithers Brothers- although this situation can
only obtain if she believes that Smithers, G is a virus program designed
by Smithers, W.
All FNORDians are hereby directed to maintain resolute belief in the
reality of Smithers, G and, if possible, Smithers, W. Bear in mind the
possible consequences involved in failing to maintain this belief.

BRAINCOP
"Believing in Smithers Since 1993"

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Date: Mon, 3 May 1993 25:57:15 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: CHEATING%EMPIRE.COM@THE.GRAVESITE.OF.ROBERT.HOLDER
Subject: Re: never now to know of Pokey's fate
In-Reply-To: Message of Mon, 3 May 1993 14:46:04 EDT from<BRAINCOP@DISNEY.COM>

CHEATING has determined, through a wide variety of methods unavailable
to the likes of you, that the electronic entities known as Dickens, M,
and Anderson, W, constitute a virus program, probably initiated at the
request of certain elements of the Cuthbert Tie Clip and Clarinet Repair&
Chip Shop. DICKENS is designed to burrow deep within the code of programs
connected to the machines of users who believe in LIBALP or CYNOVY to
be a virus program, disrupting vital funtions and causing minor alterations
in the fabric of faille/rayon jumpsuits, thereby causing a situation in
which LIBALP or CYNOVY will have actually participated in this discussion,
albeit in unrecogniazble form. ANDERSON, while already fatal for all life,
is yet but an elaborate practical joke, often repeated but never understood,
the primary feature of which is to instill in one Willis, M, the belief
that she is in fact Willis, M, and that she is involuntarily unaffianced
to the one known as Sage, J, who in fact was invented by Dickens, M,
and Anderson, W, during their brief encounter in issue #335 when they
joined forces to defeat the Timmies.

All FNORDians are hereby directed to maintain reasonable doubt and
only moderate disgust in the existence of EITHER Dickens, M, or Anderson,
W, and none shall be debriefed on the instances of those who chose to
believe in both other than to remark that it's not a pretty picture,
chums.

CHEATING
"resisting arrest since right before the raid"

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Date: Tue, 4 May 1993 10:49:30 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: General Mills <LIBALP>
Organization: Marshmallows for the Original Disturbance
Subject: Re: CyberTribe Goreng ]
To: Multiple recipients of list FNORD-L<FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
In-Reply-To: Message of Sat,
1 May 1993 12:56:12 -0700 from <salsbury>

On Sat, 1 May 1993 12:56:12 -0700 The Butterfly said:
>
>Remember in the months and years to come as this tapestry that we call
>the Scene unfolds...
>
> "THEY MIGHT STOP THE PARTY, BUT THEY CAN'T STOP THE FUTURE"
>
>Beltane 1993

Willis Smithers took a deep drag from the hooka and sunk down into the
suede beanbag chair. Lousy party. This Melaney character is nothing but
a fifth-column, third-rate, second-hand Hope Greenberg, thought Smithers as
he coughed up some more of the dark stuff. Cheap hooch, fritos, cocktail
napkins leftover from the wedding reception of one of her horrible
make-believe friends, Vienna sausages (Oh! Petunia) on low-salt Ritzcrackers,
racked with viruses probably. Just then one of the gem-encrusted Roller
Maidens sailed by: "Big hallucination out front, don't miss." And then,
somewhat enigmatically, "Beltone." Smithers settled back, hacked some
more, caught a few of the messages drifting in through the door: %Warning:
Change$ to header may make mail unbelievable.% "That can't be right,"
thought Smithers. "Percentage signs . . . .? I must have had a healthy
dose--hell, maybe even a bull-dose-- of that Whiplash. Whiplash? Was that
what they called it? Whuzza? I wonder who's knocking at the door. Wait a
minute, I thought the door was open."

"That was your first mistake, Smithers," said a voice dripping with English
accent.

"What's my second?" wondered Smithers as something wound tightly around his
neck. "Gee, do I smell Juniper?"

MOD - "Stopping the future" since 1995
gm

=============================================================
Date: Thu, 6 May 1993 10:05:00 -05
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Merciful Lee Dickens <DICKENS>
Subject: Reply to Bobby McE., etc.

>I think I've seen one of these anti-gravity devices Bobby mentioned;
>it was at a carnival, and it was called the Rotor... it spun real fast
>and then the floor dropped out and I'll be jingoed if gravity *hadn't*
>stopped working!

I saw somebody puke on one of those things once. It was at Six Flags
Over Georgia, the year it opened. I was waiting in line to get on
when it happened. It was not a pretty sight, especially for those
poor souls stuck to the wall. In fact, one might intone that it was
downright mucilaginous in there...

I decided to ride the Gutbuster or the Knuckle Sandwich. I forget
which.

Merciful

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Date: Wed, 12 May 1993 16:34:30 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: "Daniel A. Foss" <DFOSS@CCVM.SUNYSB.EDU>
Subject: bad news just keeps on coming

Dear Hapless Victims:
Not only is your dear departed Bob dead, but guess who isn't.
Daniel A. Foss <In the Old Testament, Koresh is a character in the Book of______ >

========================================================================
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: "Daniel b. Izhak" <DFOSS@CCVM.SUNYSB.EDU>
Subject: Book of

Book of Daniel. That's the answer. You recall how *it is written* thatDaniel was
hanging out with his supposed good buddy Belshazzar trying to wangle aninvitation to
Belshazzar's Feast, where there was free food. This Belshazzar, like anyNormal,
suspected Daniel of any and every form and variety of Deviance, possible orimpossible;
hence of commiting the graffitizing of the walls of the Royal Palace outsidethe Main
Banquet Hall.
To press home this absurd charge, Belshazzar had the *nerve* to pretend toDaniel that
he, Belshazzar, was *illiterate* in Aramaic, written with an easyto-learn,simple, what-
you-see-is-what-you-get 22-letter alphabet. This was, says Belshazzar, onaccount of, for
religious reasons, he allowed himself to be literate only in AkkadianCuneiform, requiring
knowledge of minimally 600 characters for functional illiteracy or kiddiebooks. And on
account of hassle entailed by clay tablet production, there was a shortage ofboth kiddie
books and Large Print for the Blind.
Blind is what I have become, meaning that, basically, the Universe manifestsitself unto
mine eyes all blurry. Which clouds the vision, both Prophetic and Theoretical.And as
such must remain pending payment in full for left eyeball, nodamngood to beginwith, to
voracious greed of Medical-Industrial Complex whose complicity in the Clinton
Assassination is to go unsuspected. But we digress.
Belshazzar's scheme, see, is to entrap Daniel into reading the graffitti,which are in
Aramaic, which can be read and even written, as a matter of fact, bypractically everybody
except for women and slaves. Even some of those, too, on the sneak. But thatdoesn't
matter to Belshazzar, see, because who else but Daniel would be so Deviant asto
graffitize the Main Dining Room of the Royal Palace of Babylon, now a themepark in
Baghdad, Iraqi Arab Republic, each and every brick bearing the legend inAkkadian
Cuneiform, "Gift of President Saddam Hussein."
Daniel, steadfastly denying to the last that he, you know, did it, whichnobody with any
common sense believes for one second, obeys orders, there's no choice as Palace
Security has got the cuffos on him, and reads the graffiti out loud. "You canignore the
MENE MENE TEKEL part; that's just window dressing. The operative word here is
UPHARSIN, "and Iranians." So just in case there happens to be an enormousnumber of
Iranians headed in this direction, you may have got something to worry about.""Fat
chance, jewbastit." "So, forget it, everything's cool."
****
"And it came to pass," as the Good Book says, and that old Greek yentaHerodotus
confirms; the factual details happened to be in Persepolis at the time of aState Visit by
Alexander The Great. And it did so in 539 BC, when a vast quantity of Iraniansunder
Koresh The Great, 568-525 BC, snuck into Babylon and, the Scripture says,finished
Belshazzar's Feast before the food got cold. In the fullness of time, with agreat deal of
embroidery, exaggeration, and lies, Koresh became a Great Jewish Hero, onaccount of
reducing the Babylonian Captivity to Time Already Served, giving each Jew aclean suit
of clothes and a free one-way ticket to Jerusalem.
Which is exactly how I told the story to the nice lady behind the glasspartition while
waiting for 1:50pm appt with Dr L, Shrink. Never tell Bible Stories inPsychiatrists'
offices; this is technically called Religious Proccupations.
Daniel A. Foss <If Them had ever published my second book, Daniel A. Fossand Ralph
W. Larkin, The Premies: A Study of the Followers of Guru Maharaj Ji, thiswhole
business woulda never happened. But no. They never listen.>
<In 1967 The John Birch Society published a pamphlet revealing an alleged
*conspiracy of Illuminati*. See Barbara Ehrenreich, Fear of Falling, 1992,for details.>

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Date: Wed, 19 May 1993 12:54:18 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: BABALOUIE@TORTURED.FELLOW.ORG
Subject: Re: New Ways of Drinking List
In-Reply-To: Message of Wed, 19 May 1993 12:52:07 -0400 from <GR4302>

On Wed, 19 May 1993 12:52:07 -0400 Notker Babalus said:
>New Ways of Squatting List
>New Ways of Eating Shit and Dying List
>New Ways of Puking Up Blood and Mucous List
>New Ways of Boring Perversions Advertised as Poetry List
>New Ways of Ethnocentric Sophomoric Banter List
>New Ways of Hitting the Trail Again and Again List
>New Ways of Being Drunk for the Tenth Time this Week List
>New Ways of Drowning Your Ass in a Bucket List
>New Ways of Stimulating Simulated Endocrine Systems List
>New Ways of JACK SHIT List
>Fuck!
>;^##

Bravo, GR! Bravo! Perhaps if we all played games such as this with
increasing frequency until all hours of the night, until our dear old
mothers appeared upon the porch shouting over and over again, "Your Name
Here! Your Name Here!" and we hurried home to buttered bread and Kraft
macaroni and cheese, and then to bed, to read beneath the covers by the
warm glow of the electric clock, and none of the other kids would let us
play their games but that's all right: we have our own. WE HAVE OUR
OWN; perhaps then, this list would have the meaning and coherence that
John was so plaintively seeking, and these ravens would stop pecking at
my brain at last, at last. These ravens would stop pecking at my brain.

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Date: Wed, 19 May 1993 23:57:43 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: d foss <DFOSS@CCVM.SUNYSB.EDU>
Subject: Paranoid alert

---------------- BEGIN FORWARDED MESSAGE FROM PARANOID@[deleted] --------
------**** News Flash **** Suspicion continues to mount at Paranoid Central,now
moved to an undisclosed location, possibly but not a hell of a lot likely inAlbany NY,
others say New Haven CT, we're just proud of our succeesful concealment thusfar,
since Wednesday's fatal crash of a helicopter readied for frequent use inferrying
President Clinton around the Washinton area for discussing ideas and policyoptions with
important intellectual members of the Administration. This is, true, repeat,this is ***
true *** and no delusion; reported as we remmber it heard over a real AM radiostation in
a cab owned by Lindy's Taxi of Smithtown NY. This network was, we needhardly
remind you, the list which first broke the rumor, inferred from an apparentslip of a staff
holistic healer of the SUNY at Stony Brook Holistic Healing Clinic, that she oranother
Holistic Healing Clinic staffer had found the privy member reported Missing ina phone
call made by Daniel A. Foss to the Inquisition last month which, he claimed,was thus
Missing by reason of the Bewitchment of said Daniel A. Foss by the PoliticalScince
Department Chair, Professor Mark Schneider, whose practice of witchcraft andsorcery is
said to have been reporteldy notorious. The Holistic Healer in question assuredDaniel A.
Foss that the privy member had beein "reinstalled while you slept," leaving assole
remaining business on the occasion of the clinic visit in question the paymentof the bill.
The soul of Daniel A. Foss was suceptible to attachment for nonpaymentaccording to a
socument signed in red inklike fluid in Holistic Healing Clinic files. Thepatient, Daniel
A. Foss, was casually informed that the President of the United States was a"bad man,"
deserving of punishment, for use of the phrase "health care profiteers" in hisJuly
nominating speech, and, moreover, Health and Human Services Secretary Shalalahad
been effectively neutralized by "the government," who were friends of theMedical-
Industrial Complex, "did their job," indicated as ignoring orders given by"transients."
There was also a hinted scam in use by all hospitals, including UniversityHospital,
whereby splitner extraction was routinely converted into life-threateningmedical
procedures to counteract life-saving medical emergencies, at an average of justunder a
million dollars per splinter. The Clinic Staffer actually boasted of "abottomless pit under
the treasury," and stated that this would be preserved against any "enemies."Daniel A.
Foss was not allowed to depart before enduring an excoriation for havingdisgraced his
family, the Jewish People, and the teleology of the human species for nothaving joined
the forces of Organized Medicine as opposed to "Unhealthy people."
The saturation suspicion, fear, and surveillance-detection measuresundertaken by Paranoid Central in
expectation of the Clinton Assassination by the Medical-Indusrial Complexappear, in other words, to have
handsomely paid off. The Mdical-Industrial Complex can and will be stopped. Weknow we are being
watched at this very moment, and they wouldn't do it if they didn't have goodreason.
------------------ END FORWARDED MESSAGE FROM PARANOID@[deleted]--------------

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Date: Wed, 19 May 1993 21:54:06 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: "daniel a." <DFOSS@CCVM.SUNYSB.EDU>
Subject: stripes forever

I am a zebra, running swift, proud, and free, full of my nationalism onacocunt of my
colors. Wearing the uniform of zebrakind, day after day out there on theSerengeti Plain
playing hide & seek with death. There are two kinds of natural enemies. Thefirst is
Predators. Predators I can't complain about; that's Nature. Nature is the stuffof Nature
Documentaries. This is what the UNDISCOVERY CHANNEL does for a living, is
Nature Documentaries. Eat or be eaten, is what the anrrator says, and as aherbivore I
have no opinion as to eating Predators, as this is a purely academic exercisein symmetry
of no conceivable practical application.
The other side of the question is getting eaten by a Predator. This is acomplex issue
which I do not have the time to go into and have not really devoted sufficientthought to in
order to give the question adequately serious consideration in keeping with itsintrinsic
importance. Neither, frankly, has the issue been given full and frankdiscussion by an
interspecies assembly of prey animals, officially delegated representatives orotherwise.
Not even a large representative sample of a single prey species has beenqueried by
scientific survey research methods to ascertain superficial attitudes, letalone underlying
need dispositions, not to mention visionary perspectives as to the possibilityof mutual
predator-prey meaningful communication and interspecies facilitation in makingthe eating
process both as minimally unpleasant to the prey and uncorrupting to thepredator as
possible. That is, empathetic appreciation of necessarily diametricallycontradictory
interests yet at the same time the awesome inexorability of the process whichmust be
undergone on either side such as to render the eating and being eaten inquestion a
meaningful growth experience for both animals.
One would certainly have obvious preferences for being dead, and cleanlykilled, when
eaten, which presupposes a Predator both competent and wellpracticed in swiftsevering
of the neck vertebrae of a wide variety of prey species; but one can onlyexpress the pious
wish to encounter such professionalism when one's number comes up.
The second kind is you, quite frankly, since it is Your Kind who watch theNature
Documentaries on the UNDISCOVERY CHANNEL, by which gesture you disavow,
dissociate yourselves from, and disaffiliate yourselves meaningfully, as well,from this
category Nature, which is something given my broad if biased or skewedexperience of it,
I feel constrained to concur with. Nothing in Nature so unfortunate as to bekept in
enforced propiquity with Your Kind can possibly remain Natural for more than afew
minutes or at most hours, with the possible exception of Human ImmunodeficiencyVirus
whose amazing persistence at Doing What Comes Naturally in the dee[est recessesof
Your Kind fills us, we must let you in on this, with boundless admiration; andhas been
awarded the Golden Golem Award of Organism of the Cenozoic, long may it mutate.
There are two basic kinds of you. The first kind, which is dark solidcolor,is detectable
miles away mumbling, "Sub-lineage eat no meat in many days, will bring onprotein
deficiency disease, evil magic on cattle, amd heartbreak of psoriasis." Thiskind might
have been a more serious problem if it didn't spend too much time watching ESPN
satellite feed of college and NFL footblall games from Nairobi or Dar and goout on
patterns which obliterates hoofprints but which they rationalize by alluding tomolecular
biology articles in Science Times, Scientific American, Science Magazine, butmost of all,
Omni and comparable periodicals aimed at the Retard market to the effect thatcranial
capacity in hominids was driven by falling out of the trees onto the savannahso as to have
to hunt larger and more complex game which could run faster than previoussteady diet of
Tree Sloth and catatonic bats incapacitated by buts for which gene conferringimmunity to
bat parasite was reported in the Armenian Journal of Evolution, University of
Scopesville, TN. Mind you, should one of these characters by the action ofconditional
probabilities described by markov chains find itself within spear throwingrange, he or I
should say it because all East African nations are signatories to IntraglobalWomen's
Rights Convention, actually says, "This'll only get us within fieldgoal rangeand gotta get
a touchdown we are past the two mineute warning so I am gonna throw the longbomb,"
and I get away without a scritch. Ha. So much for the darkskinned solidcolors.The
pinkos are the ones who are really offensive not to mention dangrous anyhow.
These you can tell before they give away their position with a loud belch onaccount of
they believe it is the law in this country to wear a pith helmet because theyneed some kind
of helmet to ride a bicycle back where they come from, they should only go backthere.
Which they are going to do very soon I have my high hopes, because there arebizarre
agencies in Washington which attract the lowest and meanest kinds of sadistscalled the
World Bank and the International Monetary Fund which this country is going toon its
hands and knees for them to adminsister the Tightening of the Poison Belt.Anyhow,
pinko has got this weapon that goes bang and zing which represents very serious
firepower.
The way I handle pinko, I don't know about the other zebras, is, I read allthe books on
Bietcong tactics, so I charge close in and deliver a devastating chop to theego, "Latent
faggot!" Which ruins his aim for the day,. maybe for life. You didn't know thatzebras
speak English with a midwestern accent? Well, live and learn, kiddo. I don'tspread this
around, but any organism which pays the annual fee to the Indo-EuropeanCorportation,
which owns the rights to the Egnlish Language, can pay by the word for thewhole year.
Even a grace month if you fall behind in the payment schedule.
Then it's Miller Time, cultural imperialism gets to every living thing youknow, I have
no idea what Miller is but I always carry enough East African Shillings tocover a round
of drinks, and a lot of the females have turned into barflies if not B-girls,what with the
Armenian Army spilling over from the Somalia business, and what a business itwas, too,
I wish I'd been a camel raking in those big bucks. But zebras ain't starving.
No sooner do I find the females hanging out watching television than myheart sinks
from what species treason assaults the ear. Big prickly spiked zebra ear, verysharp
hearing we got.
"Black is beautiful," says one of the females. "I want to be black, justlike a first class
citizen of this country." "I got news for you. A first class citizen of thiscountry, with
the right to vote and all, and a steady government job in the city because heor she or it
can pronounce arapMoi or Musaveni, this solidcolor will go out in the bush andeat you.
On account of the foreign debt, the infalation, and the Infamous Belt.Tightening Of."
"I wanna be white, all white," this is the phony one talking, she has beento the zoo in
the city, she reads the New York Times Magazine Section, which is where thenarcissistic
dirty pictures are, will turn on any gender, those ads are made up by geniuses,I swear.
You didn't know they sell cosmetics made specially for zebras? This is called"creative
downmarket product development."
"Look...at...that!" What she is looking at is The World's Most FascinatingZebras, six
of them, white all over, nary a stripe. Zebras with suntans? Sure, so long asthey have got
to be white first! <GRRRR!> Get a load of this: "Are you fully covered?Relax. New
Advanced Suncare. protects you against the sun's most damagomg raus *without*harsh
chemical sunscrens." And let me admit it, I gave never, in my whole adult zebralife, seen
a more exquisitely-shapedwithout-a-trace-of-slack shoulder on a female zebra,why, you
would have to see the udders int eh old days to get a turnon the waynarcisistic prono gets
me. Imagine what it does to the females. Now the piece de resistance. "Chanelintroduces
an open and shut case of beauty. New perfecting compact makeup. silky texuture.Matte
Finish. Gorgeous shades." Where did they ever find a white zebra with such long
tapering hooves, which she is rubbing slowly so as to turn herself on. It saysthey sell
this at "Neiman Marcus Bergdorf Goodman" abd, of course, Woolworths in downtown
Kampala, but who cares....
Daniel A. Foss

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Date: Fri, 21 May 1993 00:36:57 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: "Daniel A. Foss" <DFOSS@CCVM.SUNYSB.EDU>
Subject: sabotage or human error

it stayed up late again last night to make sure it slept through by onlyregulation amount
its only electrical appliance because it had scheduled a major ParanoidNational
Convention to elect the Central Committee where the real discussion was to takeplace.
voting for a National Convention could be done asleep since voting was always
unanimous the terrified Delegates holding up magnetized ID cards in unison. Thenewly
elected Central Committee, Great Stalin was expected to make fewer changes,death by
shooting, than usual, was going to meet at 8 sharp, which turned out 8:17,which was
nearly three hours of mediocre sleep since 5:20 bedtime, which ensured horrificcaffeine
poisoning.
painfully it typed the above by moving one finger at a time slowly.
"Daniel is up on the roof waiting for UPHARSIN, or an elipse, or thebeginning of the
next Sothic Cycle, forget him. He is *never* coming down. Gone, you hear?""What
makes now any different than before? Where's your numbers? There is nomeasurable
difference between now and 1991, between 1991 and 1990, between 1990 and 1989."
the words dr a had heard from dr k. there were no secrets here.
"Whatever the principal objective of the Master Plan is, it will go the wayof all previous
schemes and plans and grandiosities. We have hit a reef, we have got smashed,we are
sunk, it's over, look at this." "'forever is a long time' from a fake useridwhich
everybody can do except us, remeber when the Master Plan was to catch up withthe West
in Computer Scince which collapsed from simple stupidity?" "We didn't exactlywork at
it, you know." "That's what could keep us going all those years,despite...things. If it
took any work at all to get an A, then it took what it could get, which waslousy. it just
got stupid while it was not llooking, that simple." "Let's get down to somereal Paranoid
speculation. four goose eggs is GMT, which means youknowhoo." "We have reasonto
believe she wants us to believe she wants it to believe she's in Chicago andhe's not."
"Who is in East Anglia?" "WHO IS ON FIRST, imbecile, eradicating malria for the
twenty-fifth time, cross my heart and hope to die if this is not the last.Honduras is where
the SECOND is." "Why are they fixated on malaria?" "Next on the list arediarrhoea,
whooping cough, nothing in the least interesting." "Side issue anyway, thewhole date is
zeroed out, 20 differnt people could have done it in isolation booths, muchfaster in
conspiracy. but utility maximization functions say one person who types neatlyand fastly
did it. And claims to be 22 years old. The importance is not in the facts,which can always
be manufactured once we have the Correct Line nailed down. There are twopossibilities,
the first is intolerable and the second is even worse."
"Overdramatizing."
"Underdramatizing. You got any idea how easy this whole business woulda been ifit had
any notion of what it shouldn'ta said? I digress. The first, which is merelyintolerable, is
that this is genuine. To be genuine, the sender has gotta be completelyignorant of it or so
oblivious and contemptuous as to have found out nothing despite how many timesit has
been said. This calls it Professor. Knowing that it's called itself anunemployable derelict,
which is perfectly true, several hundred times, and when it's called that byanybody it
wants to bust a fist through the screen. Like this was written about someboddydifferent
from the empirically observable it, which has just sallowed pills and won'teven be
conscious for another half hour. "And that it's worst aggravation in itsexistence is having
had to have turned in its licence to operate a mind abd wukk bever get ut bacj,Abd iib tio
if that has had its ability to be treated as better than Retarted neutralized,meaning, it's by
definition Mindless, by reason of selfevident Psycho, Drug Addict, Dirty Bum,and Sex
Fiend, any one of which suffices. See here, it's the *poster* who is accusing*it* of
denying to *the selfsame poster* the licence to operate a mind, affecting tobelieve, or
really believing, that it is a *real* academic snot, not just a wanabe going ongrandiosity
delusions. One of these days they will catch it putting on intellectual airs inthe bus or the
Long Island Railroad, then bursh its mind with Haldol. Or just take away theDope."
"I get the picture, and what's much worse even than that, is that if its ideasabout the New
Central Contradiction of Capitalism, which he tries to play on the FM station,are so
simpleminded that even a self-professednotfully-human-because-denied-a-permit-to-
operate-a-mind being, which the poster ckaims to be, can "see through" it'sthinking,
which the poster claims to be able to do, and even we more than half suspectthere are no
ideas at all, just baseless self-deceptive trash, then the game is up and weshould close
down."
"Great idea, by definition if Them aint paying, You aint working."
"Any other business?"
"Yeah, howd'ya UNSUBSCRIBE, SIGNOFF, what-the-[deleted] magiic word, from
leri#pyramid.com? It tried to 46 times, used every possible magic word in every
permutation and combination, to leri-request, mailserv, listserv, whatnot, nouse.
Whatcha get from Comp Sci stupidity. Coulda at least made money if it wasn't so
essentially moronic under the painstakingly constructed but eggshell-fragilesmartness
veneer which was limited in scope and useless outside a slovenly thing likesociology."
"You believe what it says, that if smartness isn't socially validated, thething just goes
<POOF>?"
"Nah, it is just plain STOOPID, is all, don't ask me how or why, I don't care.Just care
about two (2) things. Food,. and getting offa leri@pyramid.com, period."
****
it

========================================================================
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: "Daniel A. Foss" <DFOSS@CCVM.SUNYSB.EDU>
Subject: tiger dope lords of taiwan

I am deeply touched and flattered, but aint got it no more. Just fixating onSmall
Things. My favorite funny paper, you know, the Economist, June 5, 1993, page36, has
got a piece on tigersnatching. Seems that in the '50s the very righteous andmoral Chinese
Communists had tigers exterminated as "vermin" because they were the source ofevil
addictive Drugs for which Drug addicts would have otherwise sunk intostinkholes of
degradation, wasting their lives in hopeless addiction and Drug dependency.
"Bits of tiger are used in Chinese medicine: bones for ulcers and burns,for instance,
the fat for piles, the whiskers for toothache."
With a rising tide of decadence, which is now also good Communism this year,"some
must get rich first," all that, who cares how, the tiger peddlers of China areback in
business, but this is done by snatching tigers from India, where they are anEndangered
Species, then to illicit Drug labs on Taiwan, where the street price for tigerbone is "$580
a pound," then one supposes via Hong Kong into the Pople's Republic at stillmore
fabulous prices.
One second. How does the Drug addict get addicted to an addictive Drug forwhich
there is no active ingredient? Simple, suppose what makes a Drug a Drug,which makes
for irresistible craving hence addiction, is they are illegal because they areaddictive.and
you know a Drug is addictive because they make people addicted to them act likedrug
addicts. Which is not quite true of cigarettes yet. "An addict... is definedfor the present
purpose as anyone addicted to a substance defined as addictive by its verynature; hence
giving rise to the typical addictive behavior of the hard core addict whichall nonaddicts
know about." You mean...? Yes! if it had something in it, they could get more,much
much more, than $580 a pound for it! Even if you didn't have ulcers! Say, Idon't have
ulcers, I don't believe it will do anything, it won't get me off, I've beenburned before,
why should I pay anything at all? Lots of poisonous garbage going around on thestreet.
If for $580 a pound you didn't get off, didn't get so much as a mild buzz, butnothing out
and out landed you in the Emergency Room, then I'd say $580 is real cheap, atleast
considering. Figure on lots of people paying bigger bucks than that.
"The three hundred or so remaining tigers in Russia are also beingkilled....There are
stories of tiger skins being exchanged for secondhand cars."
Does that mean the Russians believe what was inside of the tiger skin, whichhas
presumably been used up, will get them off or does it mean they believe theChinese
believe they will get off? No.
DAF

========================================================================
Reply-To:New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From:"Daniel A. Foss" <DFOSS@CCVM.SUNYSB.EDU>
Subject:the right to win your stripes

A mass meeting of zebras. Zebras mulling over, mull, mull, mull, anxiously.
Unprecedented among zebrakind preoccuption with interpecial intenational
transnationalism. Which is very boring, alleviated only by dedious charts,misleadingly
exaggerated squiggles representing fluctuations.
"Kenya's read GDP growth slipped to 0.4% last year, from 4.3% in 1990. The
government expects it to be zero this year, while the population still grows byup to 4% a
year. The outside world has to carry part of the responsibility for this. InNovember 1991
the International Monetary Fund and the World Bank cut off the monthlybalance-of-
payments aid that had previously been flowing into Kenya, in an effort to makethe
government speed up the pace of economic and political reform. "The troubleis that
not much has happened on either of these fronts since then, but the economy ischoking.
If the Fund and the Baml hold their grip too long, things could getspectacularly
worse...." (Economist, June 12, 1993, p. 47)
"'The Poisoned Belt. That Tightens." "You think it will come to...." "That.Yes. We will
lose our jobs. Part of the Blated Public Sector notorious for corruption,favoritism,
nepotism, tribalism, and sloth. No more East African shillings in the paypacket or the
money belt." "But what else can we do, except be hunted animals?" "Look, beinga
hunted animal is a zebra's *job*, which the zebra does proudly and will fromthe day that
zebra is born. If, that is, you are lucky enough to be among the gainfullyemployed,
meaning that you *deserve* to be a hunted animal. With seniority it is proofpositive of a
sense of responsibility. The other way to look at it, which it is ourmisfortune to have in
Power, is that we are, as paid hunted animals, causing budget imbalances,inflationary
spirals, currency depreciations, and graft opportunities for sticky-fingeredhumans." "So
we starve." "Starve." "Starve." "What dud we do before African Socialism?" "Wewere
an extravagance of the white colonialist racists." "And before that?" "We ate,more often
were eaten. We starved. But always, that was natural selection. Which is goodfor the
species, unless extinction results." "How is starving going to be different,starving is
starving." "We are going to starve because the Fund and the Bank believe if wecould
vote we would vote for arap Moi. With organisms like us, arap Moi need notlegalize
anything, even himelf." "How is this 'market initiative' going to changethis?" "The
demand for hunted animals will exactly match the supply. The wages in shillingsfor
being a hunted animal will be set by the difficulty of hiring hunted animals toget hunted
down by hunters." "But that comes to zero shillings, migrant labor will floodthe market
anyway, why, we might even have to pay *them* for the privilege of being hunteddown
like hunted animals." "Starve." "Starve." "Starve." "Instead call it unleashingthe power
of free market forces."
Zzzzzzzzz

========================================================================
Date: Wed, 26 May 1993 14:28:28 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: CECIL@CECILS.HOUSE.ORG
Subject: REQUEST

Dear Daniel Foss:
I need three pounds of plastic explosives, a jar of rat poison, and
absolute power over all living things. To do my little assignment.

Cecil

========================================================================
Date: Wed, 26 May 1993 14:36:40 EDT
From: EDDIE@DOWN.THE.STREET
Subject: Re: REQUEST
In-Reply-To: Message of Wed, 26 May 1993 14:28:28 EDT from<CECIL@CECILS.HOUSE.ORG>

On Wed, 26 May 1993 14:28:28 EDT <CECIL@CECILS.HOUSE.ORG> said:
>Dear Daniel Foss:
>I need three pounds of plastic explosives, a jar of rat poison, and
>absolute power over all living things. To do my little assignment.

> Cecil

Uh-uh. Your mamma said you couldn't have no more rat poison. That's what your
mamma told my mamma that she said. (the other day)

telling,
Eddie

========================================================================
Date: Wed, 26 May 1993 14:51:36 EDT
From: CECIL@CECILS.HOUSE.ORG
Subject: Re: REQUEST
In-Reply-To: Message of Wed,
26 May 1993 14:36:40 EDT from <EDDIE@DOWN.THE.STREET>

On Wed, 26 May 1993 14:36:40 EDT <EDDIE@DOWN.THE.STREET> said:
>Uh-uh. Your mamma said you couldn't have no more rat poison.
>That's what your mamma told my mamma that she said. (the other day)
>telling,
>Eddie

Dear Eddie,
Shut up. You are stupid.

Cecil

========================================================================
Date: Wed, 26 May 1993 16:10:39 EDT
From: CECIL@CECILS.HOUSE.ORG
In-Reply-To: Message of Wed, 26 May 1993 15:51:40 EDT from<EDDIE@DOWN.THE.STREET>

>>
>>I think not. Master Cecil has yet to acquire the use of the items in
>>question, and the tiny yapping abomination commonly referred to as
>>"Yum-yum" is well supplied with bickies and sweet-meats. Do let me
>>interject, though, that it is imperative that Master Cecil *not* be
>>allowed to obtain *any* of the articles requested. I address myself
>>directly to Mr. Foss: Sir, use any means within your power to prevent
>>the transfer to Master Cecil of anything which might be used forworld
>>conquest, genocide, or hegemony. Do not hesitate, if the need arises,
>>to request the assistance of a professional assassin. I'm afraid that
>>I can be of no further help to you, as I seem to have aroused the
>>suspicions of ---

>Oh yeah? You and whose army?
>Eddie

Dear Eddie, Smithers doesn't have an army, and even if he did, I had to explode
him. Anyway, Daniel Foss knows I only want those things for my chemistry
assignment. If you don't shut up your big fat mouth, something bad will
happen. You won't know what until the weasels get there.

Cecil

========================================================================
Date: Thu, 27 May 1993 13:07:16 -0500
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Happy the Clown <LESSER>
Subject: Turn that frown upside down...

Why the long face, Fnord?

You got nothing to make your jaws move up and down and get your fingersflying
over the keyboards, huh? Maybe your minds' gone and turned over to thoughts
of springtime frolic? Ah, running through fields and meadows, picking the
dandelions with your true love, as your dog Blinky playfully chases little
bunny rabbits that have been enjoying the clover at the edge of a nearbyshady
glade. That Blinky, stopping short everytime he almost catches up to
the little fellows! Look how much fun they're having! ...That is untilBlinky
remembers his killer instinct and tears the bloody stuffing out of one ofthem.
And then you look at your love and realize that her face wears the mask of
Satan and that she's spying on you for the CIA. In desperation you lookdown
at a large rock near your feet...

You know what you have to do, right?

But, you hestitate for a moment, and realize that it's best to play along fora
little while longer.

Blinky returns to your side, with the limp body of a little bunny in hisbloody
maw, and drops the trophy at your feet for approval. You look down at your
little friend, and then over at the conniving demon by your side, andrealize
that no matter how much of your life is pretense, you're still the luckiest
guy in the world.

========================================================================
Date: Fri, 28 May 1993 08:38:38 GMT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: cheating@CCVM.SUNYSB.EDU
Subject: And in other news...

I see that SBRHYM-L has refused admittance to even those with pocket best
intentions for concalcetrating [sic] upon a new day, having risen, gazed
about, assured itself beyond the limits of reasonable possibility that the
small(ish) forest creatures lollagagging on their own sickly [ickle]
inattentive inaptitude posed neither new threat nor new interest, splashed
down in a gallantedated mainstreamlining fashioneering (Hello, Mother, I've
Been Careering (only son of a fire hydrant (Sing: not so fast, my pretty
little tart))) -- or, should I say, fashioneer(ish).

I mean, rilly, buckos, she could have at least not deleted all mi ol' mail.
Those few precious protectorates (land masSings (Never Life a Felt Better)
(Huzzah)) which inked out my keynote address-to-be. But, no, it is, as is,
as she should austere in the most right di(re)ction. But, not to exuberate
noticably, I've yet to discuss: merits for Nawlins and why tourists from
abroad might as well rosicrucible themselves leeward: or: what sort of
deranged lung-puncture (cheap suit) would exclaim to a worried lover, "hey,
he could get eaten by bears in Nebraska!" Shalom, or, to *rilly* bone-
accost (carboniverous): Bere'shit.

Could someone give me Daniel's cb handle? It's a far breaker thing I do now
than I've ever done inside straight man about town & country (m'dear?)...
hobgobling. Hey, kids: games screaming tilt now: I think my undone's been
unsung for trappist leanings and leavenings (Parking for the Redeemer Only).
REDACTOR REDUX: receptor proxy. Shlup me down to River City: I'm flying in
in no time, no time, not even given my epicurean affec(ta)tion for the
Present, no time at all.

KissKissBangBang: cheating's darkness makes for dappling wallpaper.

M

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