Previous Index Next
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 1 Oct 1993 08:58:26 -0500
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Lesser <LESSER>
Subject: LAID AND CONFUSED, PT. II
>How gauche of me. My use of the expression predates from my associationwith
>an ex-girlfriend (13 April 1989 - 17 April 1989), a limey on herstepmother's
>side twice removed; she and I were attending our daily counsellingsession
>(the hip thing to do at the time) and the deformative effect ofchildhood
>games was under discussion. Can you tell me the correct term, if any,which
>should be used in the circumstances so that I shall not further err?Y'see,
>I like to look my best, suave and polished and 6'4" and articulate andmean,
>but not too mean, when I know that my friend Melanie is listening; Iknow
>that she'd want me to subconsciously want to do right.
>
>Those of you out there who've still not heard from me, please don'tfret;
>this brief intermission in the URGE TO SHARE (tm) is a time ofabstinence,
>preparation, meditation, and prayer before I attempt my greatestchallenge
>yet, an open letter to Arthur.
Another fake, brought to you by the cretin who's head will be brought to meon
a platter shortly.
Would I lampoon myself regarding daily counselling session with a girlfriendof
a mere five days? Christ, we wouldn't have even been able to get anappointment
with the right calibre of Lacanian-leaning psychologist by then!
And the "URGE TO SHARE (tm)" his disappeared. Mark me down for an URGE TOGET
A HAIRCUT, and more immediately, an URGE TO GET ANOTHER CUP OF COFFEE ANDTAKE
A QUICK PISS BEFORE GETTING SOME WORK DONE.
An open letter to Arthur?
Ba-haaaaaaaa-ha-ha-ha!!!!
Alternately,
Track 7, Hunky Dory
"Such a queen, such queen, such queen,
that her laughter is stuck in your brain."
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 1 Oct 1993 08:56:00 -05
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Merciful Lee Dickens <DICKENS>
Subject: LESSER:
Snap out of it! You're merely jealous because the post "she" forged in
*your* name didn't contain the dynamic, "READY TO SHAKE HANDS OR THROW
FISHES AS NEED DICTATES".
But hell, Bubaloo,
Who Wouldn't Be?
Kohoutecly Speaking,
Merciful
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 1 Oct 1993 10:21:47 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <LIBALP>
Subject: Re: LAID AND CONFUSED, PART II
>Another fake, brought to you by the cretin who's head will be brought to meon
>a platter shortly.
That's "whose", Lesser, and the tardiness and waywardness of your thought is
more than sad, it's positively provincial: head on a platter is for medieval
banquets, with an apple for added vitamins. Me, I took deportment lessons,
and I swear I can bring a platter on my head through gales and poxedvalleys,
up stairs and down and along the narrowest flashbulb-flooded catwalks,without
a tremor. Why, I even played Miguel the waiter in our school pantomine
three years running.
Mouthing "cretin" at me is dangerous; I've tended to get a little cross with
people who call me names ever since my second lobotomy, the one that went
tragically wrong and left me with the powers of a superhero and theperception
of one who perceived most perceptively that it would be wrong to make use of
them while the innocent curtains were watching and the voices spoke, none of
them my own my own my own my own my own my own.
>Ba-haaaaaaaa-ha-ha-ha!!!!
Uh, a sheep? No? Bingo, disqualified!
ap
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 1 Oct 1993 08:57:35 MDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <WHIPLASH>
Subject: face lifts and tummy tucks with aplomb
Item 1: at some point in my absence, Fnord Foundation has
evidentally hired Dr. Kevorkian as the resident plastic
surgeon. It's a little known fact that the MORE you re-arrange
your appearance, the HEALTHIER your skin becomes. I think
it has something to do with the skin thinning out over time
and the natural beauty of the muscle texture showing thru
by and by. Skin, you see, is innately unhealthy in it's
normal form. Perhaps you were not aware that skin is really
the most common form of cancer... spreading all over your
body early in your prenatal development and growing almost
without restraint throughout your entire life. It sheds a
hunnert million cells a minute off ya, and that's the only
thing that saves us all from growing a coating of skin around
us six feet thick by the time we're thirty. Now, I admit, this
repeated rearranging of facial characteristics bruises the
underlying muscles and splits the skin, so there
is some gristle drainage, which can really ruin a nice suit,
but on the other hand, you get that nice brown-bluish tinting
to the muscles. Like a fine wine, they darken as their surfaces
dry out in the open air. The mottled effect is just absolutely
stunning. I think this is going to be the next big thing in
body fashion, replacing tanning, tattoos, and even piercing.
Look for this to kick off sometime early to mid winter. I
think that somebody here is really on to something and if
they're SMART, they'll establish exclusive marketing rights
quickly. Man! I really dig seeing that surgical bruising
right up close without the skin in the way.
Item 2: The RTD (Denver Bus System) Annual "Bus Rodeo" has been
won for three consecutive years by....? Get the correct answer
and win a date with Mr. Parker. (Hint: He'll kiss on the first
date if you call him "Arty" during the weepy parts of Joy Luck
Club). The answer to this and other questions of import
courtesy of my morning driver, Mme. ZZZZZ who informs me that
the parts she has trouble with in The Rodeo are the parallel
parking (ON THE RIGHT SIDE--she emphasized this several times),
and the "Tennis Balls". One must get the tennis balls "between
your dualies". I'm told this feat requires that one be able to
manipulate one's dualies in the most delicate and subtle manner.
Had she been less cerebral and contemplative, I might have induced
here to give me a personal demonstration.
Item 3: Thought for the day:
"If he'll have me tonight, I'm going to go upstairs and fuck him,
and I don't give a SHIT what you say!"
---------------------------- Mrs. Shaft O' Love
---------------------------- September 30, 1993
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 1 Oct 1993 11:21:44 -0500
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Lesser <LESSER>
Subject: EXPERIMENT TO TRY AT HOME
Hey, Kids!
Have I got a great little project for you... First, go out and get yourselfa
frog, fill a pot full of room-temperature water, and ask an adult if you can
have permission to use the stove at your house. Put the frog into the potof
water.
Now, if you heat the water very, very slowly to a boil, the frog will not be
able to measure the change in his environment, and will sit placidly as he
boils to death. This is what we call a "scientific fact."
Now, Brent, could I trouble you to share an explanantion of how this relatesto
the topic, "New Ways of Thinking?"
Cuthbert, could you describe the effects of ten minutes in boiling water onthe
frog's internal organs?
Merciful, you got a good recipe for frog's legs?
H. Uniatz, I'm afraid you'll be spending the rest of the day with your chairin
the corner, and may not participate in this class project. Now, sit backdown.
Prof. Lesser
"Leering at your Child Within since this morning's milk break."
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 1 Oct 1993 10:58:50 CST
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Melanie Willis <GS0383>
Subject: Whiplash
Very glad to see Whiplash is back!
Lesser is becoming more and more impressive each passing day. I hardly know
what to say . . . he is a brilliant study and shows much potential. I will
keep working on him.
That dog story still haunts my mind today - I in fact had a cat named Black
Black who also said good-bye to me one night, but little did I know it. The
house was perfectly still. We had been friends for nine years. I respectedhim
so much that I never picked him up; if he wanted to sit on my lap I waitedfor
him to make the first move. He was also a little overweight, but still after
nine years could easily make the jump from the floor up to my lap. I loved
that cat. Anyhow, the last time I saw him he sat on the floor with me and
stared at me for the longest time. The house was perfectly still. I felt a
headrush of affection for this longtime friend and confidante. I noticed how
deeply he looked into my eyes. It was February, 1989, and I was visiting my
parents' home. A week after I left, my mother called me with the news that
some big dogs or some such mean, savage creatures had killed Black Black and
left him on the side of the yard. He must not have been able to run fast
enough, due to his extra weight. I made a gravestone out of concrete and
spelled his name in little white rocks from the driveway and buried him inthe
backyard. His picture will always be part of my living room decor. Butenough
of this. . . have I told you all this before? Oh well, if so, who gives adamn
anyway, it's a good story, part of my permanent repertoire and, with all the
details I left out due to your lack of time and probably interest, dramatic
and stirring enough for a made-for-TV movie.
Melanie
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 1 Oct 1993 13:20:48 -0500
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Lesser <LESSER>
Subject: Sit back down...
Good sister, bad sister.
Melanie, you remember how I was trying to explain the concept of irony?
Recess is over now, you can stop playing guru and get back to your lesson
books, honey. Pick it up from the chapter on irony, and I'll stop by yourdesk
in a few minutes and see how you're doing. Afterwards, it's your turn forshow
and tell; did you bring the remains of your former companion, Black-black,like
you were supposed to?
Now, Arthur, you little jerboa, you're no different from the rest, sister.
<heavy sigh> But, you're right about the grammar. So, sweetie, when Ican
afford it, I'll let you have the position of personal assistant, and you may
then edit EVERYTHING I write!
Geez, you pay any of these kids a little more attention then the rest, andit
goes to their god-damned heads.
Now, where's little EJ? Has anyone seen him since homeroom?
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 1 Oct 1993 14:30:45 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: EJ Fnord <EJFORD>
Subject: Quaterly Report
Ladies and Gentlemen and those of indeterminate status,
I am pleased to be of service in clarifying a number of points about
the current status of the Fnord Fnoundation. Some of you younger
members may be unaware of the rampant mismanagement that this fnine
institution withstood under previous administrations, but let me
assure you all that this level of incompetence has been
institutionalized.
On this note, I would like to resolve some of the questions that have
been posed indirectly to this list.
First, I would like to acknowledge formally the appointment of Dr.
"Jack" Kavorkian to the position of official Medical Officer of the
Fnoundation. He will be handling our transition to the new Clinton
Health Care Plan, as soon as he "resolves the accounts" of the last
of his patients. He will be on loan to numerous children's homes,
beginning with those in the state of Florida, a region already known
for it's fine care offered to children and the elderly. We expect a
"per-appointment" revenue of $2,000.00, or, in Dr. "Jack's" words,
"whatever them kids got on 'em."
Realizing that this will fail to meet our fnundraising goal of
$876,986,129.33, I have made arrangements for him to open a few
shopping centers as well.
In hopes that the attainment of our goal will keep the Colombians out
of Cuthbert's stately North Carolina Fortress Compound, hidden in
the foothills of the Great Smokies, I have also begun a number of
other fundraising projects.
In the spirit of Great Americanism, we will be making money the
good, old fashioned way, by stealing it from banks. Now, I know that
there are some scofflaws on this list that would want to disregard
this new policy, but I have it on authority (from Queen Mel herself)
that any member of this list caught not robbing banks will be turned
over to Arthur, who needs breathmints. Keep it in mind.
I'll sign off for now, concerned as I am that the size of this
project and the responsibility of completing it are somewhat
overwhelming, particularly to the younger members of the list. Fear
not! We did not get to the high status that we have atained today by
not popping a few heads like zits.
Oh, and I meant to mention that Merciful Lee will be in charge of the
head popping, using his new, Fnord-l "Spot-O Zit Remover and Cranium
Smoosher."
Thank you for your attention,
More to follow.
EJ Fnord
Chair and Divan, Fnord Fnoundation
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 1 Oct 1993 14:45:20 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: EJ Fnord <EJFORD>
Subject: Re: EXPERIMENT TO TRY AT HOME
Thank you, Dr. Lesser for making it possible for us to laugh at
institutionalized child abuse. Again.
Scott-Bob, that frog anecdote always chokes me up, mostly because I
think the water would probably be really hot and hard to drink after
doing that, but also because I have to wonder what kind of a sick
mind would not want to watch the little fucker hop around spastically
as the microwave rolls into it's third minute of continued exposure.
EJ "Little Jimmy Science" Fnord
Motto: "OK, now put Dad's quartz watch in there!"
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 1 Oct 1993 14:40:29 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: EJ Fnord <EJFORD>
Subject: Re: Whiplash
I should mention at this point that I had a lop-earred rabbit named
Zinjanthropus (because he could stand erect). He had a heart attack
and died during one of our not infrequent thunderstorms down here in
this neck of the woods. I even tried (I am not kidding) CPR on the
cute little guy, but it was too late. Lotsa rabbits die from heart
failure. The only thing I could think of when I was burying the
little camper was how crappy his life would have been had he been a
human, even though he was well-fed and exercised by rabbit standards.
I take comfort in the belief that animals seem to have a lock on the
whole zen-like "lack of self-awareness-" thing. If they didn't, I
guess they'd put some clothes on.
EJ "weepy guy" Fnord
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 1 Oct 1993 15:18:58 -0500
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <00bcpalmer>
Subject: The Common Cold is Over-rated
As you all know, even those of you I'd never want to post anything to, it's
that time of year when those "halls of medicine" commercials start showing
up on our electronic hearths more regularly. Now, I don't want to capitalize
on this anti-capitalism theme of the Lesser and others, but don't you think
the common cold gets far too much publicity for what it is? Personally, I
think that the commercials actually *cause* the colds; as my dear Nana once
said when recalling the twilight dawn of her memory in 1910 -- "We played in
the mud pit, and we didn't know it would give us any diseases, and so we
didn't get any diseases." Of course now, we see these commercials warning us
away from mud pits et al, yet also promising "assistance" should our steps
stray. Well, Mr. Media Man, Up yours!
And what really burns me about the common cold getting so much press is that
it takes that spotlight away from other of the Lesser conditions. Forexample,
even on Star Trek, they haven't cured the common cold. How often have we
heard about how the common cold is uncurable, like we're supposed to think
it's some kind of underdog or something, sort of a cute, evil perseverer.
The common cold is sort of the ultimate capitalist in this respect, Isuppose.
No one ever says that the hiccups are incurable. There are all these ways
people have devised to cure the hiccups. Well, courtesy of my Nana and
_Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures_ by Mary Baker Eddy, here are
a few ways which definitely work, ways to cure the common cold:
1) a spoonful of mustard [nasty! but it works!]
2) a really frightful experience [such as a near collision with a Macktruck]
3) lie on your back and do carpet angels [you must be inspired]
4) alka seltzer plus [oops ... oh well]
5) try to swallow at the same time you are headachey
As a special bonus to FNORD-L readers, here is the cure for acne, long kept
secret:
)) rub a lemon on the acnefied area [nasty! but it works!]
A concerned reader,
Brent Palmer
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 1 Oct 1993 16:32:11 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Cuthbert Triumphant <LIBWCA>
Subject: Re: LESSER:
In-Reply-To: Message of Fri, 1 Oct 1993 08:56:00 -05 from <DICKENS>
On Fri, 1 Oct 1993 08:56:00 -05 Merciful Lee Dickens said:
>Snap out of it! You're merely jealous because the post "she" forged in
>*your* name didn't contain the dynamic, "READY TO SHAKE HANDS OR THROW
>FISHES AS NEED DICTATES".
>
>But hell, Bubaloo,
>Who Wouldn't Be?
>
>Kohoutecly Speaking,
>
>Merciful
I now I am. The post "she" did for me didn't have nearly enough apocolyptic
ranting and venomous spewage in it, not to mention that it lacked my casual
American sense of humor. Mind you, it was a good approximation of my style-
very good, even. An interesting approach, but not me.
This node is trapped in a very frightening time warp right now, so I
haven't collected the full set - have seen Arthur's, for instance - but as
of now, Lee, I'd have to say yours is the most flattering.
Has she done ai hermes pendragon yet?
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 1 Oct 1993 16:44:47 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: "Daniel A. Foss" <DFOSS@CCVM.SUNYSB.EDU>
Organization: State University of New York at Stony Brook
Subject: about giving peace another chance
Melanie, Peace has had a chance, several chances, many many chances, andlook
what it did with it. We are surrounded by armed and dangerous armenians, and
the only one in position to give peace a chance, on account of I am hapless,
inept at gold-medalist level of nonproficiency for the whole duration of the
period of recordkeeping on zhlubbism, hence a peaceful man.
Tigran II The Great, of Armenia, once said, "If the Romans come toparley,
they are too many; if they come to fight, they are too few." This is why I
still hide General Aideed under my bed. He was a good boy gone bad; some
armenian in blue helmet called him *shifta*, which is Not Done. I havepromised
to marry the patrilateral parallel cousin he offers me. Meantime I collecthis
fleas, for infestation of the rats. The irradiation of the *Pasturellapestis*
proceeds nicely; a promising mutation I have got, I think.
I'll never have to be HIV+; unnecessary now. The Somali people havewonder-
ful cuisine; takes looking for.
Daniel A. Foss
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 1 Oct 1993 19:20:44 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: "Daniel A. Foss" <DFOSS@CCVM.SUNYSB.EDU>
Organization: State University of New York at Stony Brook
Subject: something psychological maybe
Melanie, you're a card carrying woman, so you know from Emotional Things,
which is what women are paid for, elsewise the species wouldn't bother with
them at all, only make trouble. What's the matter with me, what with I can't
make jokes & write the funny pages on the show any more, let these kids doit,
which is really whatcha call Affirmative Action since there's *no evidenceof
qualifications*; there's falling standards, any Japanese kid can do betteron
gagwriting than any statistically average kid on the same variablemeasurements
on objective gagwriting, sitcom, and talkshow, eithet the host version orthe
guest version, aptitude test.
And I try, in the immortal words; "...and I try, and I try"; yet withal,
I caint git no...giggiemeter action. I caint gitta no...studioaudiencesatis-
faction, and ah trah, and I trah. and I trah."
Now looky at the *other* shows where I did guest gigs, cameo slots. Why,
I was so damn good I coulda been Woody Allen, whom I often suspected in all
sincerity of living my own life without paying royalties just on account of
Woody being able to get up there and speak English as a first language. What
is going wrong, Melanie? For the days when I could infuse FNORD-L with the
appropriate sense of purposeslesness are gone, over. Show me any other list
and I swear I can do it, but not here, in my own home, working from what in
olden days when phoniness was in flower, you wouldn't know, They called
authenticity. (Didja notice how this word "authenticity" is making acomeback?
They are up to someting, telltale sign.)
Daniel A. Foss
=========================================================================
Date: Sat, 2 Oct 1993 21:57:41 -0500
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <00bcpalmer>
Subject: entrepreneurial energy, opportunistic hoodlums
voice of shadow trying to communicate must be fed an equal amount of in-
formation
forgiveness allows ghost to *be* <-- asking forgiveness of the ghostfrees
us to live
the union of poet and (shadow ghost martian)
facing him in the tenuous alley of my mind
i see that our collaboration could produce a 4 or a zero
We must both be John Wayne stable
a stable of horses
we must murder him again and again
ANY CHRIST WHO SAYS HE IS SINLESS!
now, thank you for visiting, this post is your souvenir.
b<p>
=========================================================================
Date: Sun, 3 Oct 1993 09:47:10 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: "Daniel A. Foss" <DFOSS@CCVM.SUNYSB.EDU>
Subject: for melanie because freddie was in the absence of contraryevidence pushed
My fellow Armenians and listeners to the new pirate station in Azerbaijan,the
hegemon who used to broadcast as either Cuthbert with a bad stutter orCuthbert
with a tandem patronymic and now marches triumphant into this city offacades
calls for more "apocalyptic ranting and venomous spewage" in the counterfeit
feats with which the young kids amuse themselves, Woody Allen is too clever
for them. Sir, I give you the results of Wiley and Spoons, 1984, which
demonstrate beyond doubt even and above the disruption orchestrated byplanted
interlocutors in the audience bribed to hog legitimate question time that a
rabbit subjected to this manner of vocal aggravation completes a set
labyrinthine course in a time significantly slower than that of a rabbit
with ear-muffs, a rabbit fed on proof alcohol, AND a rat (white), therabbits
chosen so as not to deviate in size by more than 5% from Freddie, the one
subjected to venom, aforesaid venom being of a verbal nature as laboratory
rules say no snakes in a business capacity. That blue herring should be
therefrom omitted is regrettable. You wanna see the report; prey to
sentimentality at the best of times, I have it to prop up the sashcord as
Freddie (named for Frederick II, crusader, malcontent, and Holy RomanEmperor
1212--1250) before he became deceased of exhaustion and burnout was mine.
I am telling you this to help you, Melanie, leave while you can, Wei got
Chu and Wu in the San Kuo dynasty before you were even born and now we will
get you. Nay, this time is bloodier.
Why I write to this place is not because you are not a bunch of losers
but because I am waiting for the lift.
Repent ye hereupon and repaint your stripes while there is light,
daf
=========================================================================
Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 05:00:31 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: SHE@SHE.SHE.SHE
Subject: Our Mission Begins
On Fri, 1 Oct 1993 16:32:11 EDT Cuthbert Triumphant said:
>I now I am. The post "she" did for me didn't have nearly enoughapocolyptic
>ranting and venomous spewage in it, not to mention that it lacked mycasual
>American sense of humor. Mind you, it was a good approximation of mystyle-
>very good, even. An interesting approach, but not me.
Waking to a morning resplendent with birdsong, I gaze across the valley
to where Cuthbert flits amid the marigolds in his front yard and flings
grain to the chihuahuas milling at his feet, the unconscious grace of his
movements a prayer rudely dispelled by the blaring of the phone. Politely
I address the receiver, "hello? ... ah, Edwin Joseph, what can I do foryou?"
The ensuing spate of speech, sometimes halting, more often with the rushed
air of one who fears that the last bus along his primrose path may pass by
at any moment, astonishes me. Murmuring a word of comfort, I note his
location and tell him to touch nothing. I grab a small dagger and head for
the door.
As I pass through the valley, Cuthbert glances briefly upwards, and I return
his cheery wave. A sweet and joyous smile flooding his countenance, herants
apocalyptically and spews venomously for a moment, gazing bashfullydownwards.
I explain Edwin Joseph's plight, and he resolves immediately to accompanyme.
Dropping his grainsack, he bids the chihuahuas an affecting farewell,assuring
them that he will return, yet naming each one in individual salutation as
though recording their deprivation. As we set off together over the crestof
the hill, an unspoken foreboding grips our hearts, and I seek to lighten his
spirits by remarking on my longheld admiration for his casual American sense
of humor. He blushes and is still.
=========================================================================
Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 09:19:23 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: EJ Fnord <EJFORD>
Subject: Re: Our Mission Begins
I cannot tell you gentlemen how greatful I am that you are coming to
my assistance. With the voles shinneying up my trouser legs, I am
uncertain how much longer I can restrain my ardor for "Christine."
At this point, I am uncertain how much longer I can restrain my ardor
for the voles.
Perhaps I will take a moment and shinney up one of their legs.
By the way, the EJ doesn't stand for Edwin Joseph, it stands for
Leonard.
EJ Fnord
Motto: "1950's mystery movies starring Charles Laughton, a Specialty!"
=========================================================================
Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 10:36:12 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Cuthbert Triumphant <LIBWCA>
Subject: Re: Friday afternoon Quiz
In-Reply-To: Message of Fri, 1 Oct 1993 13:38:47 MDT from <DONS%>
On Fri, 1 Oct 1993 13:38:47 MDT Don said:
>Which item does not belong in the following group?
>
>1) Clamps
>
>2) Lobsters
>
>3) Oysters
>
>4) A man from China flattened by a steam roller
>
>.....
>>-------> insert pause here while Cuthbert whacks self on side ofhead
>>-------> hoping to visualize possible solutions
>.....
>
>Answer: Number 2) does not belong because it is not a crustacean.
>
Obviously a mistake in the textbook, Don. The man from China does not
belong, because he is a foreigner.
Cuthbert C. Cuthbert
Xenophobe and Haberdasher
=========================================================================
Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 09:58:41 MDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <WHIPLASH>
Subject: it's such a treat being awake right now
i left the iron on high on the carpet in my apartment
on it's side for three days, luckily, it only melted
a pair of walkman earphones. also, i sat on my normal
pair of glasses and broke them, so i'm now wearing my
prescription sunglasses. this makes me very popular at
work because i now look very cool. my posture is still
a little bad. i wonder if dana ever fixed his tire
swing. i think i'm going to sell most of my stuff.
then i'll move back to florida and stay with my mom
for a few weeks while i get my shit together. actually,
i think i'll just sit in her living room where i got
married and stare out the window. then, eventually,
she'll start telling me about "getting outdoors", "finding
other interests", and "getting a job" and "my own place".
also i have numerous friends across the country who have
graciously invited me to visit them, no doubt they are
thinking mainly about the many benefits of proximity to my
wonderful personality. the offer i am considering most
seriously (which actually wasn't an offer, but a solicited
invitation...) is in San Francisco, but that doesn't
seem like a very good idea either. probably what will
happen is i'll move up closer to my job and destroy my
soul with television and isolation. speaking of television
and isolation... my acquaintance alan at the tv repair shop in my
neighborhood just got 31 years in jail for arson...
it's the most interesting thing; when i really get stressed
out lately, i get very sleepy. i'm starting to like sleep
a lot and i'm going to start getting a lot more of it.
another interesting thing is that i'm starting to see things
when i close my eyes. "back in the days" when this would happen
i would invariably see kaliedescopes of spider parts, overhead
views of office cubicles with the the worker units handing
papers to each other over their cloth partition panels in
kaliedscopic syncronization, large steel pipe organ death idol
or monsters to the horizon. but this time, when i close my
eyes, i'm seeing very placid, although by no means beautiful,
faces--mostly mouthparts--but often whole faces or even busts
of people. the people are mostly normal, not exceptionally
beautiful nor particularly ugly... slightly like i'm looking at
a charicature of a person. most of them i would say are over
50 years old. there was one chinese guy, kind of chubby, who
was maybe 35 but had weird scars on his face and a baby's
pacifier taped in his mouth. these are interspersed with flashes
of movement, like i'm in a bus looking out the window watching
a magazine rack whiz by... a hand passed in front of my face...
and the thing is, all these images are very very clear. I can
look right at them and see them clear as day. and they change
all the time. one face turns into another and is gone before i
even realized it had changed. in fact, that's true for almost
all of these. it's really a very peaceful, serene feeling. god
i can barely stay awake.... how am i going to get through a day
of work?... i can't wait to get home and go to sleep. if i could
just get twenty minutes of sleep.
=========================================================================
Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 15:15:53 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Allison Freeman <AFREEMAN>
Subject: Re: it's such a treat being awake right now
You sir, are a scary man.
Allison Freeman
=========================================================================
Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 15:37:00 -05
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Merciful Lee Dickens <DICKENS>
Subject: URGENT
Please don't kill yourself.
If you do, I will be sad. Your writing is better than ever.
Let me exploit you in your time of agony. Maybe I can find a way to
turn your pain into big bucks. It shouldn't be a total loss - I mean:
come on!
I'm not trying shock therapy here. I'm not even addressing this to
you, but to Fate when it gets to acting pissy like this. I'm afraid
I'm overdue for the tap on the shoulder. I'm laughing in the face of
"Better-Mind-Yer-Own-Bidness-Muhfuh-Or-You're-Next" so as to beat the
rap.
On another level, I really like you and I'm sorry that you're
suffering. Love can make you fly all round the ceiling or it can make
you drag your dick in the dirt. I think Kahlil Gibran said that.
If you do come back to Waverly I will give you many chores so you will
feel useful. The first chore will be putting up a new, stronger tire
swing. The old one's in bad shape. Then I will get you to work on my
car. I need you to take the manifold off and replace at least one
cracked freeze plug. Lawn mower blade needs sharpening and the grass,
cutting. I will make a pitcher of lemonade or, if you prefer, Red
Zinger tea and come to the front door with it, "Whippy! A beverage?",
You'll say, "Coming, Maw!" and dropping the traces, come a-running up
the hill, a blade of grass stuck in your teeth. The serpents will grin
to see you pass. Surely goodness and Merciful,
Dickens
=========================================================================
Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 16:05:45 -0500
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <00bcpalmer>
Subject: Re: like a nasty rash ...
I was shocked to read the gentleman's comments on the retroactiveobliteration
of children ages 12 and under. It seems to me he should have been more sen-
sitive to the tone of the times and the feelings of the people on the list
and also promoted the suggestion of removing those slow-movingoctogenarians,
beginning at age sixty (sorry, Doc Foss, your turn is coming). Just in case
the readers are getting "Brave New World" child-harching ideas or "Logan's
Run" kill-the-elderly ideas, I just want to say it's much more simple than
that. Let's start at K-Mart. Little Kids and Old People everywhere. Let us
cleanse our path -- one K Mart at a time. Perhaps Scott could start on his
x-country trip. I for one am heading straight to Walmart headquarters tokill
Sam Walton (again!) and than I'm after citizens Perot and Bob Hope who has
lived *way* *way* too long. My palm is itching, cousin.
Brent Ai Poopoo Geronimo Grendelpod III
=========================================================================
Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 16:23:00 -05
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Merciful Lee Dickens <DICKENS>
Subject: SYMPHONY TALE
A friend of mine just related an amusing anecdote that I thought you'd
get a kick out of hearing.
Recently, the Savannah Symphony Orchestra (if there IS such a thing -
maybe it was the Georgia Symphony Orchestra PERFORMING in Savannah)
commissioned a composer to write a commemorative concerto for
some special occassion. My friend is a big supporter of the arts in
Georgia and was in attendance at the debut performance. It was booked
into the small side of the Coliseum.
Unfortunately, due to extremely poor planning on someone's part, in the
big side of the coliseum a TRUCK PULL was scheduled at the same time!
For those of you blessedly ignorant of such an event, allow me to
explain that a TRUCK PULL usually appeals to the opposite end of the
spectrum from those whose taste tend toward the symphonic. Specific-
ally, it's where a bunch of men (and sometimes women) named Red or
Bubba or (hell, for that matter, both - Red Bubba) get together with
their customized "monster trucks" - trucks two or three stories tall,
due to tires the size of quonset huts - and attach chains to the
backsides of two of them and take off in opposite directions!
Whomsoever pulls the other one over the line wins.
You get the picture?
My friend said that you could plainly hear the revving of the engines
during the quieter passages of the symphony. At one point, a wreck of
some kind is said to have occurred next door, filling the air with
the smell of diesel fumes.
My friend speculated that had the work been written by John Cage all
might have seemed perfectly normal, but, given that as it had not, the
results were less than were to be desired. I understand the composer
in particular was incensed, no pun intended.
Ever Marvelling At Our Rich Cultural Heritage,
Cube
=========================================================================
Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 17:57:43 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: EJ Fnord <EJFORD>
Subject: Re: Like a nasty rash
Tom Nelson is right. Abortion should be made available for all
inhabitants of the planet. It should be manditory for those in the
top most income brackets. Why? because if the ultra-wealthy don't
have that crappy excuse "I'm working hard to keep my family happy and
healthy" then they will shut the fuck up and start pumping cash into
the entertainment and illegal sectors of the economy, and putting
something back into the system.
Instead of living like vampires off the blood of the working classes,
as they have traditionally done.
Anyway, I just don't like 'em.
Hey, by the way, can someone give me some advice? I have a co-worker
who is getting on in years. I am told that this entire office would
explode should she stop comming to work, but as I can't really tell
what, if anything this old bat does, I am not sure why they tell me
this. I would not even mention it, because I have nothing against a
good, working class parasite, but she has this annoying speech
pattern that is really getting to me.
After every sentence, and sometimes after every word, she says "eh
henh." Is it a question? A supportive affirmation? Some sort of
throat ailment? I await your cheerful advice. Meanwhile, I will
continue sharpening my skinning knife.
Oh! And another thing she does is that she takes about 20 minutes to
park her car! She pulls into the space, gets out, examines how she
is parked, jockeys it a few inches this way or that, gets out,
checks, jockeys. I want to run over, grab the keys from her withered
old claw and drive her car into one of the monolithic sandstone piece
of crap buildings around here.
Well.
I feel better now.
I now return you to your regularly scheduled incoherence.
EJ "the Happy Little Tugaloo" Ford
=========================================================================
Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 16:49:29 MDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <WHIPLASH>
Subject: Scary Man
You have no idea.
Imagine now for my benefit clanking chains,
creaking floorboards and ghostly moaning.
I used to "live" in Tampa. Your name sounds
familiar. Do I know you? My wife went to
school there... we used to live at various
locations in hyde park... your name sure sounds
familiar... The name they decided was best for
me is spelled like this: Robert Douglas Holder.
Is this a name with which you are familiar? Huh.
Nah. probably just my brain misfiring as usual.
oh, yes, i almost forgot; I hereby serve notice
and call upon you all as witness to my RESIGNATION
OF MEMBERSHIP in the HUMAN RACE. Let's just call
it irreconcilable differences, and i'll go live
in a tree house, or a dog house, or an outhouse or
something. you can have your cities and enthusiasms
and language and thought and i'll go sit in a field
somewhere and watch the creatures eat each other.
I just gotta figure out how.
Solsbury Hill and all that,
Sir Yousirare Ascar-Yman, Esq.
=========================================================================
Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 16:28:15 MDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <WHIPLASH>
Subject: Re: URGENT
incidentally, when i said that janice and dan are my only
friends and that i'm operating in a vacuum, i meant they
are my only friends HERE in denver and i'm operating in
a vacuum here because of that. that's why i tell you all
this shit; because it helps my head to think that there is
a world outside of capitol hill, columbine st with this
fucked love triangle nightmare. so thanks, man. once again
you have been a nice guy to me.
god, i'm such an idiot! i mean, look at the world! there's
people on this planet with REAL PROBLEMS, and i'm whining
because there's these two people in my life who like to fuck
each other and be with each other more that with me... I
mean that's fuckin' LAME...
cumulatively i think i'm getting better... but it's a lot of
work.
ok, gotta go look at apartments. i want to move out immediately.
love, rob
=========================================================================
Date: Mon, 4 Oct 1993 22:13:12 -0500
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <00bcpalmer>
Subject: please excuse yourselves
Dear FNORD-L Subscribers,
I would like this list all to myself so that I my post anything, and I mean
absolutely *anything* I want to post, without having to think about what you
will think. Therefore I am asking that you all UNSUB FNORD-L.
For those of you who stick around, I should warn you (a la NYPD Blue) that I
will be using the word "fuck" in my posts. I will be saying things that make
no sense whatsoever such as "the gumshoe meatball on the fly wanna be blue".
I will also assume otros identities and mess with my own mind some more.
But in order so that I may have this "dark night of the soul," I have to
have it dark in here. So bug off ye fireflies. Vamoooooose (sp?) ye light-
nin' bugs. Goodbye, Mr. Chips.
I will also be talking endlessly about very boring topics, such as theeffect
of the increase of banana importation on the cancer rate.
See you then,
Door let the don't out way the on hit.
Brent Palmer y los Slutbusters
=========================================================================
Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1993 06:16:24 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: HUNIATZ@CCVM.SUNYSB.EDU
Subject: DIAGNOSING THE PROBLEM
>After every sentence, and sometimes after every word, she says "eh
>henh." Is it a question? A supportive affirmation? Some sort of
>throat ailment? I await your cheerful advice. Meanwhile, I will
>continue sharpening my skinning knife.
IS SHE SCOTTISH?
=========================================================================
Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1993 08:26:45 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: EJ Fnord <EJFORD>
Subject: Re: please excuse yourselves
WAS A BRENT PALMER FOR MANY YEARS STOP GOT SPECIAL GLOVES WHICH
CAUSED CHAFFING STOP HAD TO STOP ENDIT
EJ
=========================================================================
Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1993 08:53:23 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Allison Freeman <AFREEMAN>
Subject: Re: Scary Man
Nope, never heard of you.
What, in particular, draws you to the carnivorous activities of
animals? Typically, people just want to sit and watch the grass
grow, but this new and violent pasttime just demonstrates the effects
of TV upon a young, impressionable society.
What did Wile E. ever do that was so bad? He was a fucking coyote!
He was supposed to eat roadrunners. Give the guy a bad rap just for
following instinct. Personally, I hated that fucking roadrunner
anyway...
(spaces for the benefit of EJ "Mojo" Fnord)
Allison Freeman
=========================================================================
Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1993 09:03:25 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: AP <LIBALP>
Subject: Re: Scary Man
In-Reply-To: Message of Mon, 4 Oct 1993 16:49:29 MDT from <WHIPLASH>
I believe that I have met and even spoken with this Holder fellow
and to the best of my recollection, he frightened me not at all.
Except for that time when he threatened to push me off the caboose
if I looked at him the wrong way. In his defense, I should say that the
caboose was stationary at the time. Also in his defense, I should mention
that the event described above never took place. Also, there's no such
thing as a caboose. I didn't write this.
ap
=========================================================================
Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1993 08:33:00 -05
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Merciful Lee Dickens <DICKENS>
Subject: Reply to DIAGNOSING THE PROBL
>
>After every sentence, and sometimes after every word, she says "eh
>henh." Is it a question? A supportive affirmation? Some sort of
>throat ailment? I await your cheerful advice. Meanwhile, I will
>continue sharpening my skinning knife.
IS SHE SCOTTISH?
*** Comments from KITTY CARLISLE; 10/05/93 08:21am:
On the other hand, it could be a congenital homing device of sorts.
Plunge a sharpened no.2 Liddy pencil in the area from whence the signal
in question would appear to originate. Stand well back to avoid
flailing-related injuries. Observe.
If my hypothesis is correct, a wide happy grin should spread across her
withered crone features and the previously annoying emittance should
change to one of pleasing coos, oohs and ahs and (dare we dream) baby
baby baby's.
On the other hand, there is an outside chance that she will shriek.
God, I hate that.
The Story Grows Tiresome,
Merc
=========================================================================
Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1993 08:57:59 MDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <WHIPLASH>
Subject: Oh, I remember you now!
Allison!
...it's all coming back to me! My wife, Sunshine and
I were living out of our paisley '63 Microbus, doing
volunteer work for FPIRG and The Greens, going door to
door and collecting signatures and contributions. You
slammed the door in my face, "WHAT ABOUT THE DAMN
COYOTES!" you said... I could only feel gentle sympathy
for your tormented soul. How cold it must be for you,
missing the rainbows and the quiet afternoons...
It was a very beautiful time... we were living softly,
you know; treading lightly on the tender little things of
Mother Earth. I felt a union with Sunshine that will
always stay with me... through the good times and the bad.
Those sweet memories have sustained me through the bummer
scenes... the poor little roadrunner! the poor little
creatures eating each other! it chust make me vant to
cry like baby!
Good ole Sunshine. I'm getting sleepy now... sleepy...
zzzzzzzzssnkk...... zzzzzzzzssnnnnnk.....
=========================================================================
Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1993 10:35:04 MDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <WHIPLASH>
Subject: i'd rather have a bottle-in-front-a-me...
do it. did it. done it. found it.
freed it. won it. lost it. bought
it. caught it. sought it. made it.
ate it. wandered. wondered. splendor.
had the jones for dinner. and once
you've got it you will find that you
don't have a care except to watch for
all the angels fighting in the air.
=========================================================================
Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1993 13:21:15 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Allison Freeman <AFREEMAN>
Subject: Re: Oh, I remember you now!
God, you make me sick with that FPIRG shit! I buy plastic and I
don't recycle. I buy cans and I don't recycle. I leave the six-pack
plastic holder-things intact so that little bunnies stick their heads
through and suffocate. I trained my dogs to grab those plastic
encapsulated bunnies and toss them over their heads like they're
roping steer.
Yeah, the meek shall inherit the earth... if they live that long.
Allison Freeman
=========================================================================
Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1993 13:33:55 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Allison Freeman <AFREEMAN>
Subject: What do you think he means?
My common-law husband (yes, our toenails are dirty) frequently
refers to me as "The Cobra". Do you think he means that I am
verbally venomous or do you think it's a slur against my unusually
long earlobes?
Allison Freeman
=========================================================================
Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1993 13:57:49 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: EJ Fnord <EJFORD>
Subject: Reply to DIAGNOSING THE PROBL
Kitty, I appreciate the suggestion, but I think I'll go back to my
original plan. While I would love to hear the croaking old hag
cooing like a baby, I would much rather see the croaking, old hag
trussed up like a Christmas tukey.
I just don't know where I am going to get that much Stove-Top <tm>.
On a related note, I take back every mean thing I said about the
Atlanta Braves. I would love to see them beat the snot out of the
Phillies just for being from Pennsylvania. Baseball is a wonderful
passtime, although I am still unsure of it's status as a "sport."
It's somewhere above golf and below soccer, I think.
EJ Fnord,
The Galloping Gourmand
=========================================================================
Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1993 15:37:18 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: EJ Fnord <EJFORD>
Subject: Re: What do you think he means?
Having seen you, it's a toss up, butI'll go with the earlobes.
Someone has to.
EJ Fnord
=========================================================================
Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1993 16:08:26 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Allison Freeman <AFREEMAN>
Subject: Re: What do you think he means?
------- Forwarded Message Follows -------
Date: Tue, 05 Oct 93 15:43:17 EDT
From: Angel_Eyes@Den.Of.Vipers.Org
Subject: Re: What do you think he means?
>>On Tue, 5 Oct 1993 13:33:55 EDT Allison Freeman said:
>>My common-law husband (yes, our toenails are dirty) frequently
>>refers to me as "The Cobra". Do you think he means that I am
>>verbally venomous or do you think it's a slur against my unusually
>>long earlobes?
>>
>
>I like this Allison Freeman person. I like people with dirty toenails,
>who assassinate bunnies and speak openly of their sinful-before-god-
>and-all-the-saints iniquity. And are afraid of Whiplash, even though
>Arthur C. Parker say he's a sweetheart who won't even push a bunny
>off a caboose without at least an imaginary reason. And is called "The
>Cobra." I like that.
>Allison Freeman, will you be my common law valentine?
>
>Angel Eyes
Yes, of course, I'll be your common law valentine (although I am
rather fond of Bingo). I love names that double as phrases. I have
a friend who has a friend (...and so on) who's last name is Lear.
What is the non-obvious thing to name their child (don't even say
"King" -- it's prepubescent -- this means you, hermie).
****Crystal Shanda****
Allison Freeman
=========================================================================
Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1993 14:27:02 MDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <WHIPLASH>
Subject: All Together Now
gee yer quite the little rebel allison. not too
subtle, but you've got a lot of spunk. the self-image
is coming along nicely as well, but it needs a
bit more chartreuse. Perhaps "The Cobra" suggests
some visual similiarity to sly stallone...?
george-- take heart. i love you. i'll be your
friend. forgive me though, i came in a bit too late in
the argument to understand your... shall we say...
ongoing fascination with the aids topic... but i must say
i'm *mighty* impressed with your keen intuition--"you sound
like the type of person to have AIDS". You really shined
there george. Pithy, pointed and quotable! 4 stars.
don't worry george. in the past i've had everybody on
this list telling me i suck so i know what you're
goin' through. see it as a growth period. use it to
broaden your horizon of possibilities. you know george,
i realized they were right, and i'm a better person for
it. make the leap george. surrender to the chaotic
perspective of "those kind of people". You be glad ya
did! Besides, You get a free 27 oz. Circle K Coffee
Club Mug, refillable at any Circle K!
don't disappoint me george!
Hey Melanie! AWRIGHT! Got the Paris Gun all warmed up
and ready to go! I kin see that glint in your eye, that
edge on yer sword! In all sincerity, i'm impressed how
you've toughened up. Ya come a long way since Mersey
told ya "My mother's dead you bitch" and you fell for it!
Bravo! No shit melanie, i'm kiddin' ya with that jab, but
you seem stronger. Uh Oh... NO BILL! I DIDN'T MEAN IT!
I WASN'T REALLY BEING SINCERE AND OPEN! NOT THE TINES!
NOT THE HYDRAULIC JOINT SEPARATOR! NOT THE LYE TOOTHPICKS
UNDER THE FINGERNAILS! AAAAAAAAH
Actually, it wasn't so bad. But you overdid the kidney
punches a bit... I'll feel that in the morning. Still, I
*do* feel much better now Bill.
I guess i should shut up now... now that i've pissed in
my canteen and set my house on fire... anyways, i gotta
go home and pack. I don't have all day to sit around
here educating and entertaining YOU. *I* have a life.
well, ok so i don't... goddamnit!... YOU DON'T HAVE TO
RUB IT IN!!! WAAAAAAA AAA AAAAAA!!! WAAAAAAAAAAA!!
<sniff sniff> sleepy... mf smf mg mmmmm.....
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzSSSNNCH....
(rdh)
=========================================================================
Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1993 15:56:48 -0500
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <00bcpalmer>
Subject: My Exclusionariness
Dear fellow-subscribers,
I am sure you are following rather intently my recent mood swing and are
spending lots and lots of time wondering why I am being such an angry womyn-
of-net.color.
I can not speak for myself, but as the Good Book says, "Can anything good
come out of Nazareth?" Of course, I am not from Nazareth, so this little
gem only makes sense if you view it as a metaphor.
This is just a very trying time for me. I am on a diet even though I don't
need to be. I just got fascinated with the idea of "drinking meals," and
I've bought everything Shaklee, Nature's Sunshine, Slimfast, and the demonic
Amway has to offer. And I'm guzzling "mint mocha" shakes all day and lady-
I-can-tell-ya (speaking to FNORD-L herself) it ain't easy.
Have pity on we the obsessed,
In the future I will try to post only when I have my wits about me *and*
some red meat in my tummy ...
In the mean time, please bear with me and fuck you all,
Brent <Pollux> -- fascinated by diet powders (can you *snort* thisstuff?)
=========================================================================
Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1993 15:49:00 -05
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Merciful Lee Dickens <DICKENS>
Subject: Reply to Re: Oh, I remember y
>
By the way, I don't know who you are married to, but my brother-in-
common-law is Sunshine and he never mentioned you.
Sleep gently, Petunia.
Allison Freeman
*** Comments from SENILE HIPPIE; 10/05/93 03:46pm:
Oh Jesus!
You're not Dewdrop, by any chance, are you?
Did you ever live in a boarding house called Powell House?
Did you leave four walls of sickeningly sweet messages back and forth,
you and Sunshine, culminating in a nasty goodbye on the door?
No wait.
That was Starshine.
Nevermind.
Our Dog Boogie
Was Simply Itching,
Merciful
=========================================================================
Date: Tue, 5 Oct 1993 19:13:11 -0500
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <00bcpalmer>
Subject: do I treat y'all different than real.life people? -- not!
A friend is visiting from California. He wanted something to drink when
he got here. I gave him a diet coke. I said, "what kind of soda do you
want me to pick up at the store? I'll get whatever kind you like."
"Actually," he said, "I prefer iced tea". I said, "Oh! Excuse me your
majesty! I said you could have a soda variety you asshole."
And then I kicked him out.
b<p>
=========================================================================
Date: Wed, 6 Oct 1993 05:33:55 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: CECIL@CECILS.DIARY
Subject: ON THIS DAY THE 6th OF OCTOBER
By 4:00 am GMT, our impatience had outweighed our trepidation and caution,and
we prepared to carry the assignment to a further stage. I strapped thepower
pack to Bingo's insulated suit while Oscar carefully draped the ChristmasTree
Lights round him. As we could afford but two batteries, it was required
to lighten his load as much as possible, so that the only items he carried
were a page of my atlas showing the appearance of Mars, three lollipops, and
one of the new Super-Beeper (tm) transmitters. I confess that I feared for
his safety, as the atlas was a 1957 edition and Mars must surely havechanged
in so lengthy a time, but I thought it best to say nothing of this.
I had once observed a Launch in the cinema newsreels, and I explained the
procedure to my companions. "TEN", we ruminated gently to ourselves,"NINE",
"EIGHT". Oscar coughed, and I frowned. "SEVEN", I continued severely,"SIX".
"Er, TWENTY-THREE", Bingo triumphantly exclaimed, and remembering that theboy
cannot count, I disbanded the theatrics and pulled the cord which activated
the lights and sent him spinning into space, far, far, far away, until he
became only a flashing brilliance of reds, greens, yellows and blues."Ooooh",
said Edwin Joseph, as he gaped upwards, "isn't it pretty?", and even Riley's
normally truculent features shimmied in bemused wonder.
We rolled along to the Science Museum and took it in turn to place tenpence
coins in the meter and watch Bingo, so distant now he seemed immobile,through
the telescope there. As we made merry in the exultation of our success, the
Super-Beeper (tm) receiver in my pocket began to hum slightly, and I quickly
prepared parchment and ink to record his first impressions of the planets
from his advantageous location. Painstakingly, the message came through:
"MASTER, I'M OVER ROLLINS' PLACE, AND I'M DAMNED IF THE BOUNDER HASN'T GOT
A PAIR OF HIGH POWER BINOCULARS AS WELL AS A TIRE SWING."
Malice and envy overcame us, and, falling silent, we thought of our lives,
of deeds done and choices made, of murders for gain and burnt souffles and
days spent senseless, and we cried to the Gods within us our bitterness at
owning neither high power binoculars nor tire swing. Greatly cast down, we
jimmied open the telescope's meter, recovered our coins, and went home.
The batteries were due to be drained of their power by 6:00 am GMT onTuesday
morning. Bingo has not returned.
=========================================================================
Date: Wed, 6 Oct 1993 08:39:04 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: BINGO@BINGOS.HIGH.ORBIT
Subject: FOREVER BLOWING BUBBLES IN SPACE
Dear Dr. Foss,
I'm chilly just now, and my #11 yellow bulb keeps flickering, so I've no
doubt that my penmanship will suffer accordingly. I still have one
lollipop stick left, having discarded the others after they became soggy;
the bit currently in my mouth quickly grows water-logged, and I shall
have to switch ends soon, I'm afraid. Discarding the first two sticks
turned out to be unfortunate, as the loss of mass sent me into a higher
orbit. Of course, I have no bus schedule for this area at all, so
perhaps the change is not so upsetting as I first thought. I wonder
when my master will come fetch me, as I grow colder still.
finding the vacuum agreeable,
your Bingo
=========================================================================
Date: Wed, 6 Oct 1993 09:39:00 -05
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Merciful Lee Dickens <DICKENS>
Subject: Reply to do I treat y'all dif
>
A friend is visiting from California. He wanted something to drink when
he got here. I gave him a diet coke. I said, "what kind of soda do you
want me to pick up at the store? I'll get whatever kind you like."
"Actually," he said, "I prefer iced tea". I said, "Oh! Excuse me your
majesty! I said you could have a soda variety you asshole."
And then I kicked him out.
b<p>
*** Comments from HORATIO PHALLUS; 10/06/93 09:28am:
I would have done the very same thing, Brian. The nerve of that
scum-sucking ratfaced low life bastard! Iced tea... Iced tea THIS,
asshole! That's what you should've said.
You're obviously much more lenient than me. You let him go WAY too
easily. He'd've at least been limping when he left my place. Limping,
and looking mighty silly with that diet Pepsi sticking outa his ass...
Up Yours Bismark You Yellow Sissy For Not Busting His Stupid Face
(In) (Understood),
Merciful
=========================================================================
Date: Wed, 6 Oct 1993 11:48:37 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: EJ Fnord <EJFORD>
Subject: Reply to do I treat y'all dif
Merciful, I am concerned about this unbridaled hostility toward the
perveyers of carbonated beverages. I am, and your mother, sitting
beside me here, is also very concerned.
Firstly, you should treat all men (and women) as your brethren (and
sistren).
Secondly, if you must stick a Diet Pepsi up someones ass and kick 'em
down the stairs, say good-bye, politely. It may not take more than a
second for you, but it will mean all the difference to the poor
suffering bastard, screaming at the bottom of the steps as the bottle
of soda explodes in his bum.
Remember, we gave you the name Merciful because you are a wonderful,
warm, and, yes Lee, a very likable young man. Not because you are
an ass kicker who takes no shit. Although you are that too.
Love
Mr. and Mrs. Dickens
=========================================================================
Date: Wed, 6 Oct 1993 23:00:32 -0500
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <00bcpalmer>
Subject: Hilljacks and Coronets
Ahem, Greetings Earthlings.
I think nine dollars is just not *enough* to pay for a bottle of
wine. If you don't pay a lot for a bottle of wine it gives ya a headache
or fiddling-while-tummy-burns sensations or sumfin.
I think you can get AIDS from cheap wine. This explains why so many of
my friends have died from AIDS. Two females. Eighteen males.
Has anyone tried the new *diet* Mountain Dew? My name is Luka. I live in
your answering machine. Nobody knows that I am here. I hear from my lithe
hillbilly neighbor Stephanie who had never had wine before tonight that
there is a *caffeine-free* Mountain Dew -- now *what* would the point of
*that* beverage be? The last time I had a Mountain Dew was in Bucksnort, TN
on my way to Nashville from Little Rock.
I have a poster from a Picasso exhibit that is nine years old. It was given
to me by a ballerina named, ah hell, he had a French name. Oh well. He moved
to Texas. He's probably dead too. He slept with that orchestra conductor who
liked, ah hell, some bearded guy. I don't remember. There -- it was almost
on the tip of my tongue. It was two syllables. I think they should run _The
Love Boat_ in syndication as-is only change the title to _The AIDS Boat_,
vut have all the same sex-centric plots and subplots. I couldn't really have
forgotten his name could i?
One girl I know who died of AIDS burned her apartment building with herbefore
she left for glory. She was a witch. Her girlfriend was Chantel. Chantel is
pro'lly dead too. Chantel had a French name and so did ... dang that didn't
work ... his ... name ... was ... what was his name?
Ah, hell. I bet it wasn't his real name anyways. Atleast Merciful can remem-
ber that great dogs name. I remember so little of those days. Catholic
Funerals. My brain is at half mass. Just the bread.
Mary's mother was a caterer. Nine.
Brent <Pol X>
=========================================================================
Date: Thu, 7 Oct 1993 08:20:41 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: BINGO@BINGOS.BLUE.FINGERNAILS
Subject: A PLACE OF ROCK TO REST MY HUMP
Dear Dr. Foss:
I have found a place to sit in space. I have named it "Snuggery Farm."
It is so big, I can almost lie down on it. A woman visits me in my dreams.
Her name is Allison and she doesn't mind my spitting or my donkey leg.
She smooths down my hair, and makes me breathe backwards. I will lay medown.
dizzy,
Bingo
=========================================================================
Date: Thu, 7 Oct 1993 09:47:46 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: EJ Fnord <EJFORD>
Subject: Re: A PLACE OF ROCK TO REST MY HUMP
BINGO! SAVE YOURSELF, BOY!
For God's sake, can no-one mount a rescue mission for the poor,
mutant child? I still haven't had a chance to flogg the little
nipper for staining my grey gabardine jacket.
EJ Fnord
=========================================================================
Date: Thu, 7 Oct 1993 10:38:52 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: BINGO@BINGOS.BLUE.HEAVENS
Subject: A HOLE IN WHICH MY HEAD TO LAY
Dear Dr. Foss:
More voices come to visit me. I hear Edwin Joseph preaching self-reliance.
I think he is afraid to help me, afraid of further inclusion in our
master's little assignment, and above all, afraid of Master Cecil himself.
He denies his place in our little- dare I say- family.
I can occasionally hear Oscar's off-key whistling as well.
sleepy,
Bingo
=========================================================================
Date: Thu, 7 Oct 1993 11:42:28 -0400
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Lesser <LESSER>
Subject: a last desperate plea for help
I handed out my credit cards to anyone who would take them at the airportlast
night. Then I went home and shaved my head.
At lunch time today I'll record a voice mail message explaing why I mustfollow
the course of action that has been set into motion, and set the message tobe
delivered to my co-workers two weeks from today.
This afternoon I'll compose a farewell letter to Melanie and send it to her
along with my entire collection Nick Drake CD's. I have decided to spareher
the fate the rest of us must face.
I'm walking into the sporting goods store when I leave work and purchasing500
rounds of .308 cal. ammunition, 7 boxes of 12 gauge shotgun shells, a Buck
knife with a black handle, a fish filleting knife, and 38 pieces ofGator-Gum.
>From there I'll go straight home to strip my rifle and shotgun and packthem
in with some clothes, pour a few gallons of gasoline all around the place,and
toss a match as I walk out the door.
I'm leaving my car parked out front with the keys in the ignition and thedoors
unlocked.
Of course I'll have my computer under my arm, containing files of all the
information I'll need to meet my destiny.
I shaved my head last night. But I already mentioned that, didn't I?
George Graham hasn't returned any of my calls.
The information on Rollins from TRW came in just a few minutes ago by fax.
I must keep my head clear, even as the acid hits and I start to rushupwards.
If only I can keep focused on the fact that I am not really moving at all.
Twelve hours of sleep and I'm sure I can write something of substance.
Next stop: Chicago.
=========================================================================
Date: Thu, 7 Oct 1993 11:17:13 -0500
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <00bcpalmer>
Subject: Re: a last desperate plea for help
a reader writes:
>I shaved my head last night.
Hey! I shaved my head right before going to the Democratic NationalConvention
as a delegate for Jerry Brown. Mr. Lesser, (the aforementioned "reader"),
here's wishing you better luck than I. I was used as a puppet by corporate
propogandameisters. I wore phony "farmer" glasses and looked like theperfect
uberdelegate. Please Ignore Line NoiFUCK YOU ALLse.
My daughter's first word is "Mogadishu". It's so darn cute.
Now we're teaching her to say "General Aideeeeed"
b <p>
=========================================================================
Date: Thu, 7 Oct 1993 12:36:04 -0400
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Lesser <LESSER>
Subject: instead of apple juice
I purchased a cup of soda water and sat down to think things over clearly.
Soda water can be just the thing, at times, to make you see the world from a
different perspective. When the drink in front of you bubbles up, yourtongue
expects something sweet. Instead, as you drink plain soda water, you're
shocked out of the autonomic reasoning and thinking that sets in duringtimes
like this.
I started thinking about waterfalls in upstate New York instead.
Minutes (or hours?) later, Melanie called, waking me out of my daydream.
I can't remember the words she was saying; all I could hear was the tone ofher
voice. What the words meant just didn't matter. By the sounds of cascading
waters that fell from her lips, falling through 1500 miles of telephone wireto
wash over me, somehow I was reassured that all would be well.
Instead of buying bullets I have decided to order 12 dozen bouquets of roses,to
be delivered this afternoon to my place. I'll stop at the store on the way
home and buy some cheap, sweet, red wine and and maybe an angel food cake.
When I get home I will light candles and dance naked, surrounded by thearoma
of fresh cut roses.
After the candles have burned down to the holders then I can walk out thedoor
a free man.
Next stop: Chicago.
=========================================================================
Date: Thu, 7 Oct 1993 13:49:55 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: EJ Fnord <EJFORD>
Subject: Re: a last desperate plea for help
GO FORTH, YOUNG LESSER OF EARTH!
ALLOW NONE TO STAND BEFORE YOUR MYTHIC WRATH!
KICK SOME ASS AND TAKE NO NAMES!
DESTROY ALL RATIONAL THOUGHT!
HAVE A GREAT VACATION AND A SUCCESSFUL secret MISSION!
ej "cheerleader" fnord
ps: Be sure to get all the cabbage you can from them deadbeats.
=========================================================================
Date: Thu, 7 Oct 1993 13:56:44 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: EJ Fnord <EJFORD>
Subject: Re: A HOLE IN WHICH MY HEAD TO LAY
Bingo,
Use the special FNORD REENTRY KIT that I placed for your convenience
in the Lite-Brite <tm>. Further, I will be in the vicinity, testing
new products for Fnord Motors. I'll be the one flying the giant,
mechanical blintz. We call it the "Hindenburger."
I will admit that I am a bit afraid of Cecil, but that fear stems
from rationality and a healthy respect for his sense of neatness.
Cheerio!
If you have trouble witht the kit, the Lite-Brite <tm>, or Cecil, let
me know; I'll be ready to spring into action as soon as I am done
cowering.
EJ "Oh Lucky Lad" Fnord
PS: The stains came out, you lucky hominid-mutant-redheaded-
stepchild.
Previous Index Next