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=========================================================================
Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1993 11:08:56 -0500
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <00bcpalmer>
Subject: Get Thee to a Nunnery!
Dear Gents,
I gwoh weewee of this Hamlet/Ophelia breed of correspondence known asFNORD-L.
When people are not being the 2B or not 2B type, they are donning flowersand
hanging from the Tree of Internet.
And then weighed-down by those very flowers into the river.
How Ganges!
We need more Claudiusses. Pretenders to the Throne. Brotherkillers.
Brent "Here's poison in your ear" <Pollux>
Unweeded King of FNORD-L
=========================================================================
Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1993 13:00:45 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <LIBWCA>
Subject: Re: Reply to Re: I KNOW THAZ RIGH
In-Reply-To: Message of Thu,
14 Oct 1993 13:52:41 EDT from <EJFORD>
On Thu, 14 Oct 1993 13:52:41 EDT EJ Fnord said:
>
>Merciful Lee Dickens was killed today while attempting a dangerous
>transition in immitations. After completing a very succesful
>imitation of toothless comic relief, Gabby Hayes, Mr. Dickens turned
>a half-pike and tried to switch over to right-wing bitch from hell,
>Helen Hayes. His grip slipped during the transition, causing Mr.
>Dickens to fall 36,927 stories to his death.
>
>"'Lee' will be missed," said an obviously upset General Cuthbert
>Triumphant. "He was a great man, and he had truly amazing genetalia."
>
Well... I must admit to a certain fondness for Lee, but the fact
remains that the man had no genitalia at all. He was a highly
educated man and a top hand, but he did have his flaws. Claimed
to be a Bird Colonel, he did, but couldn't grasp the most
rudimentary elements of military strategy, and kept thinking
we could bring the enemy to his knees via the simple expedient
of *shoving a pool cue up his butt.* Now, I'd be the last to
dismiss this tactic out of hand, but we must always bear in mind
that unit effectiveness is often actually enhanced by a protruding
pool cue; some folks will go to any length to get it removed, and
some folks just plain like it.
That fuel-tank molesting thing was a bad rap, and I owe him one
for taking the fall; but overall the boy was just a barbarian in
a shirt and tie. Better off dead, probably; they got good
barbeque in hell, I understand, and all the whores you can eat.
I may drop in on him later this week, and I'll bring what word I
can.
Generalisimo Cuthbert C. Cuthbert
=========================================================================
Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1993 13:41:47 -0400
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: bean-bag amerika <hermes>
Subject: methinks it is like a weasel.
>Brent "Here's poison in your ear" <Pollux>
>Unweeded King of FNORD-L
i once wrote a poem about dead leaves in the base of my skull.
(it also had a wonderful line about holding a beating heart in my
hand, but thatUs another story altogether...)
but alas, dead leaves are no more than fertilizer for the wild flowers
which are sure to follow...
--ai hermes
drowning in the murky depths
=========================================================================
Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1993 17:21:28 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: EJ Fnord <EJFORD>
Subject: Re: methinks it is like a weasel.
Hermie, what in God's name are you mumbling about?
For my sake, please take those dry leaves out of your skull and start
thinking like a responsible member of this list. Then, take the
beating heart out of your chest. That's better. If possible, eat
the aforementioned organ, preferably with a light red-wine sauce.
All the rest of us have eaten our hearts. You're only holding up the
rapid demoritization of this list by holding on to your elitist
organs, you know.
Don't think we don't resent you. When we remember your name at all,
that is.
By the way, I once saw one of those Rankin-Bass Puppetoon things that
they used to have a X-mas (I'll put christ back into it later, when
I'm done with him). It was "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer;" That's
the one with Yukon Cornelius and the Island of Unwanted Toys ("Who
wants a BARNEY in the box?") and the Bumble, who reminds me a great
deal of some of the members of this list. Anyhow, one of the main
characters in the story is one of Santa's elves, who no longer wants
to be an elf. In fact, what he wants more than anything else in the
world is to be a dentist. Still with me guys? <PUNCHLINE ALERT>
Well, the elf's name is (I think) HERMIE!!!
So. Hermie. Is, uh, is there any truth to the rumor that, uh, YOU
are, uh, you know... Look, all I want to know is, well, is Rudolph a
good guy? I'm just asking.
EJ "Marry X-mas Before He Marries Someone Else" Fnord
=========================================================================
Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1993 15:02:00 -05
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Merciful Lee Dickens <DICKENS>
Subject: I AIN'T DEAD!
I just smell funny!
You've Been A Wonderful Audient!
Thank You and Good Night!
Merciful Lee Dickens
Still Alive And Well-Endowed
=========================================================================
Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1993 21:49:42 -0500
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: I Am A Jerky <ABS002 >
Subject: Re: methinks it is like a weasel.
the last thing hermie wants to be is a dentist. the 2nd to last thing
hermie wants to be is an elf. and the third to last thing hermie wants
to be is the recipient of any form of anal sex. let it be known that hermie
also has no heart (i ate it with him while molly goggins watched almost four
years ago now. the organ you are referring to is in fact his pineal gland.
I am a jerky
=========================================================================
Date: Mon, 18 Oct 1993 15:16:00 -0500
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: moores7518
Subject: prodding techniques
Whoops...thought I was posting to cattle-l...sorry for the inconvenience...
=========================================================================
Date: Tue, 19 Oct 1993 09:52:53 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: EJ Fnord <EJFORD>
Subject: Re: it's too damn early in the morning
Hermie, did you get your mother's permission to stay up so late at
night? I sure hope so, because I know that you'ld gat a whuppin' if
she found out the hard way. Look on the bright side though, at least
you'ld get to wear your "Punnishment Clothes." Mom would probably
wear that leather outfit you find so attractive.
By the way, Hermie, at one point you were going to tell us about the
nervous breakdown you suffered at the "tender age of fifteen."
Please get on with it. I think I speak for the whole list when I say
that the only reason we put up with you is that your first reports of
your breakdown had us in stitches for weeks. We're waiting.
EJ "Rowdy Roddy" Fnord
PS: Isn't it great that Sim is finally tying up the first part of
"Mothers and Daughters"?
=========================================================================
Date: Tue, 19 Oct 1993 11:29:30 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: AP <LIBALP>
Organization: Dept. of Arcane Pop Culture References
Subject: Errata
In-Reply-To: Message of Mon, 18 Oct 1993 17:21:28 EDT from <EJFORD>
On Mon, 18 Oct 1993 17:21:28 EDT EJ Fnord said:
>By the way, I once saw one of those Rankin-Bass Puppetoon things that
>they used to have a X-mas (I'll put christ back into it later, when
>I'm done with him). It was "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer;" That's
>the one with Yukon Cornelius and the Island of Unwanted Toys ("Who
>wants a BARNEY in the box?") and the Bumble, who reminds me a great
>deal of some of the members of this list. Anyhow, one of the main
>characters in the story is one of Santa's elves, who no longer wants
>to be an elf. In fact, what he wants more than anything else in the
>world is to be a dentist. Still with me guys? <PUNCHLINE ALERT>
>Well, the elf's name is (I think) HERMIE!!!
>
1) Island of Misfit Toys
2) Charlie-in-the-box
3) Herbie
Sad but true.
Yes indeed, Merciful Lee Dickens identifies with the Bumble, as does Bill
Anderson with Yukon Cornelius. Myself, I am the cowboy who rides
an ostrich.
Now, who wants to be the narrow-minded bigot Santa Claus?
ho-ho titters,
ap
=========================================================================
Date: Tue, 19 Oct 1993 13:17:32 -0500
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: "C. Bock-Goodner" <LPCL375 >
Subject: Speaking of dentists and sharp objects
Having a cesarean section under a local anesthetic is similar to being
at the dentist. Although it doesn't hurt you can feel everything. It's
like being unzipped. It is an intensely odd experience watching those
masked faces pushing (with all their weight) the small wiggly creature out
of the huge gash in your abdomen (I just watched their faces - I'm not
a scientist) while waiting to see if the wc (wiggly creature) that you
will be the parent of for the rest of it's life has a workable assortment
of parts in a workable order.
For the record, in an effort to be a Good Mom (tm) and establish nursing as
soon as possible I refused the sedatives, and had no pain killers after the
first 24 hours. I hadn't counted on the cracked and bleeding nipple thing.
My boy is nearly 4 now and I'm really enjoying the Oedipal thing. Who
wouldn't, here's a sweet young thang who looks a lot like my husband when he
was younger, and who adores me. He will ask me to drop him off a few blocks
from school soon enough. I say go for it while you can.
Cynthia
=========================================================================
Date: Tue, 19 Oct 1993 16:09:29 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Allison Freeman <AFREEMAN>
Subject: Assistance is graciously requested...
Simon says, "No agency shall contract for private attorney services
without prior written approval of the Attorney General, except that
such written approval is not required for private attorney services."
Where is Bingo when an interpreter is needed? Any other
suggestions for an idiot => english translator?
And just when I began to value my literacy too...
Allison Freeman
=========================================================================
Date: Tue, 19 Oct 1993 13:53:00 -05
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: "Natasha F. Fatale" <JOHNSM4>
Subject: SKELETAL REMAINS
I have just returned from my candidate seminar. The reaction of
the Seaside City Council was most encouraging, especially the
level of support given to the horizontal progress view to the
future. It is well known that, due to the proximity of the
(now defunct) military base, Seaside was eat up(TM) w/ vertical
illusion, on the verge of becoming a bonafide satellite nation.
Monday, I will begin Phase II of the interviewing process.
I will present a set of ground rules to nuture grassroots
horizontal progress and eliminate vertical illusionary waste, and
organizational chart that will include all technical and support
personnel, from Figurehead and Puppet to Garbage Can Flinger.
I would like to include several savory and unsavory characters
from the Fnord ranks. I would ask that General Mills orchestrate
the military contingencies - to include, but not limited to, the
EATs, MOD, Dead Erisians, Cereal Killers, etc.- with St. Iarll
in support as Big Band Leader. Facilities are readily
available for training and doctrine command activities.
Cecil, consider expanding your personal horizons to take on
the position of Chief Puppeteer-Little Assignments.
As Lessor is already out there, I propose to position him as
Chief of Field Operations, with Whiplash directing Left Field.
Cuthbert, I've always thought you would make a good spy.
If you concur, requisition a pair of Red Ball Jets and listing
of vertical illusionists to better make your way amongst them.
And keep the fedora.
This is the exoskeletal design of the horizontal government of
the City of Seaside.
Please stand by for infrastructure.
Nat
P.S. Please be advised: There is no room for dead leaves in
this organization.
PPS I was approached by one (1) woman who presented herself
as a member of MOD. She departed hastily during my
seminar without any more identification than her contact
name: Little Debbie. Please advise.
=========================================================================
Date: Tue, 19 Oct 1993 22:48:25 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: The Mad Poet <ST202113 >
Subject: Re: I AIN'T DEAD!
I just wanted to say,
I ain't dead either, and I'm hoping to keep it that way.
Later,
TMP
=========================================================================
Date: Tue, 19 Oct 1993 18:25:08 -0500
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <00bcpalmer>
Subject: Re: methinks it is like a weasel.
>preferably with a light red-wine sauce.
I recommend a Saintsbury Pinot Noir 1988 with *your* heart, Herm.
Ah, hahahahaahhahahahaahahaaa.
Ah, Bach. -b. <Pollux>rent
=========================================================================
Date: Tue, 19 Oct 1993 18:36:37 -0500
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <00bcpalmer>
Subject: Re: And when all goes abloom
a reader writes:
>which is the EXACT FUCKING REASON I HAD TO TAKE OVER FNORD.
i have often found that the title character, while having the most lines
and being the titla-character and all is often not as important as some
other marginal character who hardly ever says anything.
the more you toot your horn, the more it sounds like so much tinkling (teehee)
cymbals as well as the sounding brass which it, in fact, is.
this reminds me of a rather Brechtian conceit from _Galileo_, which is best
said in the original father(land)tongue: "Ich dien Liederkranz!", whichtrans-
lates, roughly, "I dine in Halloween!"
you, sir, are no Jack Kennedy, and not even a friend of Doc Floss. In fact,
I'll bet you don't even floss. Rather like that modern fairy tale by Joyce
Carol Oates in that new Oxford collection.
ah, Oates.
a concerned subscriber,
Brent "rent control" <Pollux>
p.s. summary: zeek is a dickweed. let us go a-weeding, gents and lusciouswoman
=========================================================================
Date: Wed, 20 Oct 1993 12:17:00 GMT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: "H. Uniatz" <H.UNIATZ>
Subject: The Eternal Mysteries
How did it occur that Matthew Miller was born in a hired conveyance?
How much for the VW and accessories and chicken-wire, cash down?
Would the tire swing be cheaper?
Is the whimsical yet topically and historically significant representation
of a mutagenic synthesis of alan greenspan and the Silver Surfer as big as
an elephant?
How big an elephant?
Did LIBALP ignore her protestations and wear a pink pill-box hat when he
went out wif her that night?
Almond cupcakes. Where are the almonds?
Has Edwin Joseph not seen on the wall the large sign that says "QUIET PLS"?
=========================================================================
Date: Wed, 20 Oct 1993 09:28:34 MDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <WHIPLASH>
Subject: Vehicle Impacted on the Lunar Surface
Ah, another lovely call on the telephone. That one was
particularly good. All these abrasions, burns and
lacerations on me and nothing to show for it. I suppose
with superficial nicks you get a superficial fate! I
had to pull out my dictionary and look up "superficial",
it just didn't look right. Jesus, where has my focus
gone? The other night I couldn't recognize anything I
was looking at except my blanket and a five dollar bill.
Lucky for me, THAT whole world view had moved on to
greener pastures by the time I woke up. What a bitch.
I'll take this exhausted misery to THAT any day...
When I was a child I thought like a child, I spake like a
child, I was a Voodoo Chile. But when I became a man, I
came in Other Men's Women; that's how I knew I'd arrived.
Specifically, she wanted to fuck *in their bed* while he
was away. I said, "What's wrong with the couch? Let's
stay here." It seemed like something bad... but I went
over there... I entered her and she was unusually tense
and serious... it was spooky. So I pulled out of her and
told her I couldn't do it. That was the last time I was
ever in bed with her. After that, she married him. I
managed to skip attending the wedding, although I DO still
have the invitation in a box somewhere...
It's funny because I used to do that Dirty Talkin' Shit
while we were having sex, dark shit, like "So what's Joe
doing now, Jane? What do you think? What do you think
he's doing right now?" while she came, stuff like that.
And it always bothered her. I mean, I sort of figured,
we're fucking this guy over, right? So we might as well
get off on it. But she wouldn't consciously do it. But
after that thing with their bed, I realized that had been
a big part of the turn-on for her... she just couldn't
admit it. And what's more, she wanted to let this dark
thing into her heart without acknowledging it... i don't
know, maybe it just took her awhile to work up to it; maybe
i'm the evil one. But being in THEIR house, in THEIR bed
with all their stuff all over the place, it just kind of
hit me what I was doing. So after we stopped "seeing each
other", or "fucking", if you will, she decided to try to
"be good". Now she talks like the marraige is a prison which
she is determined to learn to like. It's sad. I guess we
all reap what we sow. That's certainly true in my case.
Looking back on it now, I wonder if I'd turn down a second
chance in their bed with her while he was away...
I hope I would be smart enough to turn it down... but then
again, it DOES appear to me that men and women aren't here
to LOVE each other, but to CONSUME each other. And that is
one thing I can say in my defense, and I guess in the
defense of everybody who fucks somebody else's somebody.
I've almost never felt such complete union with someone as
I did in the dirty conspiracy of adultery.
Maybe that's why I'm so fucked up. But I'm smiling.
"...You're the voice of the dream I Had. You're the voice
and I'm so glad. You're the weight of the dream of a life
come true... there's no denying--
I sometimes run and chase the moon, and think of you.
I sometimes run and chase the views, and dream of you..."
Neil Armstrong
=========================================================================
Date: Wed, 20 Oct 1993 11:10:56 MDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <WHIPLASH>
Subject: Re: The Eternal Mysteries
VW: dead, melted.
Accessories, motor 200 pounds, payable only in those
neat little pound coins with the "ARTEMIS DECUS" thing
one the rim or whatever it says.
chicken-wahr: no charge. free chicken wahr with every
purchase.
The Silver Greenspan: bigger than life and twice as ugly.
at least the last time i saw it. also, it may have changed
states...
...oh shit, those were rhetorical questions weren't they?
damn...
I'll Get It Right One Day,
rob
=========================================================================
Date: Wed, 20 Oct 1993 13:42:54 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <LIBWCA>
Subject: Re: Errata
In-Reply-To: Message of Tue, 19 Oct 1993 11:29:30 EDT from <LIBALP>
On Tue, 19 Oct 1993 11:29:30 EDT Arthur Parker said:
>
>Yes indeed, Merciful Lee Dickens identifies with the Bumble, as doesBill
>Anderson with Yukon Cornelius. Myself, I am the cowboy who rides
>an ostrich.
Ostrichboy, I believe he called himself - a misnomer typical of the
incompetent buffoons scorching the earth at Rankin Bass, since a
true ostrichboy would not ride ostriches, but would herd them. Perhaps,
from time to time, he would sing to them. Almost certainly he would
fall into unfortunate debauchery with them. Riding them, however,
would tend to make the meat stringy and full of unpleasant tendons,
and so he would never do it.
As a point of information: I do not identify with Yukon Cornelius. I
revere him as a god.
=========================================================================
Date: Wed, 20 Oct 1993 14:05:02 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <LIBWCA>
Subject: Re: prodding techniques
In-Reply-To: Message of Wed,
20 Oct 1993 00:57:39 -0500 from <AMC005@ >
On Wed, 20 Oct 1993 00:57:39 -0500 Andrea Cook said:
>A couple of quick questions....What do you people talk about and doesmoores go
>to the University of Northern Iowa? Andrea
We talk about you, Andrea. We know all about you, and we keep nothing to
ourselves. You're ruined in this town. Ruined.
No, Moors go to the University of North Africa. They used to go to the
University of Spain, and for a while, they had substantial representation
among the faculty in the University of South France, but Charlie the
Hammer put a stop to that after one of them strangled his wife and then
made a long speech about it. Now, pack your bags. You're through.
Cuthbert
=========================================================================
Date: Wed, 20 Oct 1993 13:23:00 -05
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Merciful Lee Dickens <DICKENS>
Subject: PUPPET SHOW
Fuck this little puppet show comicbook crap!
Get on with the stuff that MATTERS!
Like Leary, Wilson, Cereijido!
Take that Junior High School shit back out to the playground.
If you're under 30, you're nobody.
Delete me - I'm sick of looking at you.
Merciful
Growing Ever More Tired
Of Human Zeros Like You
=========================================================================
Date: Tue, 19 Oct 1993 10:10:49 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: CECIL@CECILS.PILGRIMAGE.OF.GRACE
Subject: no eyes, baby's got no eyes
Dear Daniel Foss,
I have been waiting for the 2.45 to Swansea for over twenty minutes now,
and it is very chilly. Is this the correct platform?
Cecil
=======================================================================
Date: Wed, 20 Oct 1993 23:32:19 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: "Daniel A. Foss" <DFOSS@CCVM.SUNYSB.EDU>
Organization: State University of New York at Stony Brook
Subject: prolegomenon to platformativity
To: Multiple recipients of list FNORD-L<FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
Dear Cecil,
Perhaps we may begin with an instructive parallel case which, however,
being oversimplified, that is, wherein it is stripped to bare essentials,
annoying complexities or exceptions to rules being absent, grosso modo, may
serve as an introduction to the study of platformativity in public-sector,
commuter, or suchlike transport, wherein these several categories are found
empirically collapsed.
Consider the platformativity of the Smithtown station, Port Jefferson
Branch, Long Island Railroad (LIRR), instant: Platform A, abutting a vacant
lot used for the stockpiling of garbage trucks in excess of normal Village
of Smithtown requirements and overlooking a seedy strip of cheaporestaurants,
gas stations, and body shops, is clearly designated by signs on lampposts,
"TRAINS TO PORT JEFFERSON." Platform B, with a view of the genteel Village,
named oddly enough not by the usual Developer but after a real self-styled
General Smith who appropriated the land (forcibly) from the aboriginals
in the post-Revolutionary epoch, sometimes called the Federal Period, which
is inhabited by decomposing Yankees and Jews past their ethnic peak - that
is to say not yet ruthlessly thrust aside by upthrusting Chinese, islikewise
marked, "TRAINS TO NEW YORK." So profound was my faith in these markersthat,
going two stops toward Port Jeff, that is, to Stony Brook, the penultimate
station, I watched two Eastbounds in succession headed thence, but halted
on Platform B, without the slightest inkling that they were headed in the
correct direction. Thereupon the following principles emerged.
Axiom 1: The direction in which the train is headed outweighs in salience
even official government announcements as to its correct platformassignment.
Axiom 2: When observing the approach of the train from the middle of the
pedestrian crosswalk ove the tracks, it is quite likely expedient to descend
on the side where the train is actually halted (as opposed to the expected).
Empirical observation, as taught by a philosopher of science as being
important, revealed to me that, for weekdays, *all* trains to New Yorkhalted
on Platform B; whilst *all* trains to Port Jefferson conversely halted on
Platform A. *With certain rare exceptions*, however, notably the 3:17am to
New York and 4:38am to Port Jeffeson, much as we should expect, but not
exclusively. And, of course, on *weekends*, denoting Saturdays and Sundays
in Armenia, *all* trains whatsoever and in whatever direction halt atPlatform
B. I have since cultivated the vitally important skill of attaining rapid
proficiency in this matter at whatever station on any railroad, as the
utterance of a request for information or directions from local inhabitants
elicits the drawing of firearms by males; the shrieked, "*No no get awayfrom
me get away from me*" from females.
Is that of any help, Cecil?
Sincerely,
Daniel A. Foss
=========================================================================
Date: Wed, 20 Oct 1993 17:23:45 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: EJ Fnord <EJFORD>
Subject: Re: zerbutz
If you're talking about the mother-in-law of Red Sophia, then I
agree. If, on the other hand, you are referring to the buxom Red
Sophia herself, I promise that I will quickly beat your little bee-
hind as soon as I figure out who Connie Lingus is.
OK, I admit, I done wandered into a whole weird area here. I promise
that I will stop talking about comics if it will make everyone happy.
You know, today, I saw this documentary comparing the "small-claims"
courts of the U.S. and Mexico. In rural areas of Mexico, if someone
has a problem, it is usually brought to trial within days of the
offence and solved in an afternoon, with everyone involved
comprimising to find an equitable solution. In the United Snakes,
small-claims cases often take several years just to be brought to
trial and are almost always decided in favor of the more wealthy
party, either because the court outright rules in their favor or
because the settlement/fines are so wimpy that they are rarely paid
and almost never enforced. Example: in 1980, Ninety-three Ford
owners were injured when their cars slipped into reverse while they
were idling in park. After a number of attempts to bring the
attention of the courts to the problem, heres the fine: Ford was
asked to warn all the owners of that model Ford about the
possibility. No recall. No monitary settlement. No requirement to
repair damages incurred. After four months, the owner who had
initiated the case had not been notified. She had to go to court
just to get the notification that the defect that she had observed
was real.
What I want to know is, why hasn't Zeek done something about this?
Didn't we elect him presedent for a reason?!? If he doesn't come
accross, shouldn't we drive him through Dealy Plaza [sp?]?!?
But then, those of us who exist outside the central power structure
of this country are not supposed to make arrangements for
unscheduled elections.
EJ "Jeez I'm Cheezed" Fnord
=========================================================================
Date: Wed, 20 Oct 1993 21:10:18 -0500
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <00bcpalmer>
Subject: Re: PUPPET SHOW
I am twenty-nine years old.
To mark this occasion I am having a puppet show in the barn.
Please bring your comic books and Junior High School shit.
Y'all come.
Brent <Pollux>
=========================================================================
Date: Wed, 20 Oct 1993 23:32:19 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: "Daniel A. Foss" <DFOSS@CCVM.SUNYSB.EDU>
Organization: State University of New York at Stony Brook
Subject: prolegomenon to platformativity
Dear Cecil,
Perhaps we may begin with an instructive parallel case which, however,
being oversimplified, that is, wherein it is stripped to bare essentials,
annoying complexities or exceptions to rules being absent, grosso modo, may
serve as an introduction to the study of platformativity in public-sector,
commuter, or suchlike transport, wherein these several categories are found
empirically collapsed.
Consider the platformativity of the Smithtown station, Port Jefferson
Branch, Long Island Railroad (LIRR), instant: Platform A, abutting a vacant
lot used for the stockpiling of garbage trucks in excess of normal Village
of Smithtown requirements and overlooking a seedy strip of cheaporestaurants,
gas stations, and body shops, is clearly designated by signs on lampposts,
"TRAINS TO PORT JEFFERSON." Platform B, with a view of the genteel Village,
named oddly enough not by the usual Developer but after a real self-styled
General Smith who appropriated the land (forcibly) from the aboriginals
in the post-Revolutionary epoch, sometimes called the Federal Period, which
is inhabited by decomposing Yankees and Jews past their ethnic peak - that
is to say not yet ruthlessly thrust aside by upthrusting Chinese, islikewise
marked, "TRAINS TO NEW YORK." So profound was my faith in these markersthat,
going two stops toward Port Jeff, that is, to Stony Brook, the penultimate
station, I watched two Eastbounds in succession headed thence, but halted
on Platform B, without the slightest inkling that they were headed in the
correct direction. Thereupon the following principles emerged.
Axiom 1: The direction in which the train is headed outweighs in salience
even official government announcements as to its correct platformassignment.
Axiom 2: When observing the approach of the train from the middle of the
pedestrian crosswalk ove the tracks, it is quite likely expedient to descend
on the side where the train is actually halted (as opposed to the expected).
Empirical observation, as taught by a philosopher of science as being
important, revealed to me that, for weekdays, *all* trains to New Yorkhalted
on Platform B; whilst *all* trains to Port Jefferson conversely halted on
Platform A. *With certain rare exceptions*, however, notably the 3:17am to
New York and 4:38am to Port Jeffeson, much as we should expect, but not
exclusively. And, of course, on *weekends*, denoting Saturdays and Sundays
in Armenia, *all* trains whatsoever and in whatever direction halt atPlatform
B. I have since cultivated the vitally important skill of attaining rapid
proficiency in this matter at whatever station on any railroad, as the
utterance of a request for information or directions from local inhabitants
elicits the drawing of firearms by males; the shrieked, "*No no get awayfrom
me get away from me*" from females.
Is that of any help, Cecil?
Sincerely,
Daniel A. Foss
=========================================================================
Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1993 10:02:00 GMT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: "H. Uniatz" <H.UNIATZ>
Subject: Re: The Eternal Mysteries
>Accessories, motor 200 pounds, payable only in those
>neat little pound coins with the "ARTEMIS DECUS" thing
>one the rim or whatever it says.
>
>chicken-wahr: no charge. free chicken wahr with every
>purchase.
>
>...oh shit, those were rhetorical questions weren't they?
Scottish pounds: NEMO ME IMPUNE LACESSIT + thistle
English pounds: DECUS ET TUTAMEN + coat of arms
Welsh pounds: PLEIDIOL WYF I'M GWLAD + leek
As you can see, I only have three (3) coins, will that do?
If not, may I still have free chicken wahr, and is there
anyone who will sell me a live chicken for three (3) coins?
Peace, man; hope you're okay, hope all that you say is Fucked Up
Beyond All Recognition somehow works out,
rhetorical goodwill,
H.
=========================================================================
Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1993 08:27:31 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: CECIL@CECILS.CEASELESS.CAPTIVITY
Subject: DR. FOSS IS VERY KIND
> Is that of any help, Cecil?
Dear Daniel Foss,
It is without doubt very useful information. Never again will I mistakenly
direct my dear grandmamma toward Port Jefferson when it is her earnest wish
to have her parasol rewaxed at a noted New York haberdashery. However, I
have decided not to run away to sea, and am thus no longer in need of a
train. The sea is too wet. If my negotiations with Robert Holder are
successful I may own a chicken to comfort me in my old age. The assignment
is in tatters. All that remains is my fractured heart and this one small
piece of cheese.
You are my hero. Can you please step a little closer to the microphone and
tell the audience what you think of American Girls?
Cecil
=========================================================================
Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1993 08:31:56 MDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <WHIPLASH>
Subject: decomposing past my ethnic peak
with no one to blame and being unable to endure
the weight of the blame and loneliness myself,
my mind is gradually surrending it's sovereignty
over my life. this obviously is not the forum for
me to try to express the feelings that go SO UNHEARD
when I get home at night. This is an Electronic
Mailing list about the English Language authors,
Leary, RAW, etc., mutable-schedule train jumping
acuity notwithstanding.
I have been unwillingly taken to another reality by
some force I can't recognize. They (or it) has not
only isolated me here in this nightmare, but they
took away my best and truest friend; my wife; my
partner... my best friend who I trusted to always
care for me and never hurt me... never treat me like
a stranger...
I guess I'm just repeating myself. I don't like
this reality. I don't like being here. I miss
Janice. I wish she would come home.
but unfortunately, I know nothing about the
aforementioned authors or topics. I hope you have a
productive conversation... I am obviously not qualified
to participate. I'm not offended; I'm just
tired of being incompatible with every human I come
in contact with. I'm tired of the clashes. I will
still listen in because there are messages here which
distract me from this pain.
thank you for your many kindnesses,
rob
=========================================================================
Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1993 10:24:42 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Allison Freeman <AFREEMAN>
Subject: It's official.
Hell has frozen over. Ellis and I have decided to clean our
toenails, move out of the trailer park, sell the pit bull and get
married. (I've got this real nice lavendar double-knit
sansabelt pantssuit picked out for Ellis) Has anyone seen Elvis? Do
you know if he's a notary or can kings just marry people like God
can?
Bingo, will you be my maid (matron) of honor?
Allison Freeman
=========================================================================
Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1993 09:48:00 -05
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Merciful Lee Dickens <DICKENS>
Subject: hark: H UNIATZ!
>From: "H. Uniatz" <H.UNIATZ>
>Peace, man
>H.
*** Comments from ROUND ROUND GET AROUND; 10/21/93 09:41am:
H, do you really say things like "peace, man"?
Are you of My G-G-Generation or are you pulling our collective leg?
Arthur says you really exist. Do you? Can you call it a Living?
Please substantiate all rumors and have them to me no later than
later today or you don't get a doughnut and everyone else does.
(Foss gets two for finally responding to poor little Cecil.)
Dismissed.
NEXT!
=========================================================================
Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1993 00:39:39 -0500
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: moores7518
Subject: Re: prodding techniques
> A couple of quick questions....What do you people talk about and doesmoores
go
> to the University of Northern Iowa? Andrea
Originally these people talked about cattle raising techniques, I'm almostsure
of it, but lately all they talk about are talking aardvarks and how to getrid
of the ninnies. It's actually unfortunate, too, because a thorough working
knowledge of cattle raising techniques would do *wonders* in ninnie weeding.
And yes, moores goes to the University of Northern Iowa. moores' full nameis
Scotto, by the way, and also, it'll be a truly great day when the schoolshave
all the money they need to buy books and the military has to have a bakesale
just to make this sentence work. Yeehah.
=========================================================================
Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1993 01:12:28 -0500
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: moores7518
Subject: Further prodding techniques
It's hard to explain what Gilligan means to me without resorting to
monosyllabic catchphrases like "Wow," "Yikes," and "Holy Toledo, that boy'sgot
gumption." Remember when Gilligan's fillings were picking up radio signals
from around the world? I laughed so hard at my "little buddy's" hijinks thatI
nearly swallowed my uvula. Imagine my surprise, then, (go ahead, imagine it,I
dare you), when I tuned in to one of those wacky "Gilligan Gets Rescued" TV
movies I'd all but forgotten about. I was channel surfing around 3:23 inthe
morning, a habit I picked up from my dad, Steve, who can find "The Andy
Griffith Show" somewhere on cable 24 hours a day. I had just ordered agenuine
faux rhinsestone necklace from the Home Rip-Off Network when some nagging,
Alan-Hale like voice in the back of my cerebellum whispered, "Turn thechannel,
Scotto...turn the channel..."
And turn I did. I clicked past the sad spectacle of Herve Villechaize'slast
season of "Fantasy Island." I popped right past the episode of "Diff'rent
Strokes" where Gordon Jump convinced Gary Coleman to take his shirt off (andwe
wonder why *their* careers are over, heh). I even sauntered right past
"America's Funniest Home Videos," the show that continually proves that head
injuries are really, really comical. At last my restless remote control
brought me to channel 23, just in time to see that not only had Gilligan and
the gang been discovered, but in fact, their entire island was now a resort,
where fabulous guest stars like the Harlem Globetrotters could drop by for a
visit.
Yes, friends, I'd nearly forgotten about this horrible, horrible episode inmy
pal Gilligan's history. It was as if their years and years of suffering had
suddenly been sold to the highest bidder. It was very similar to the way I
felt when Howard Hesseman showed up on "WKRP: The Next Generation." I mean,
get a life already, would you? I took a healthy swig from my bottle of MadDog
20/20 (pure grape wine flavor, that lemon lime stuff is for babies), and
prepared to grimace my way into a stupor. It was then that the ethereal,
spirit-like voice of Alan Hale once again intoned, "Turn the channel,Scotto...
turn the channel..."
And verily, friends, I began turning the channel at an alarming rate, and
slowly, ever so slowly, an amazing conspiracy began to unravel right beforemy
very dazed and glossy eyeballs. I saw that the Brady family was no longer
vacationing in Hawaii -- they went to Gilligan's resort instead, evendragging
along the nefarious Vincent Price and that darned tiki statue! The "Factsof
Life" kids abandoned their cushy girls school for a vacation at Gilligan's
resort, with Edna Garrett, their fun-loving but wise chaperon, in tow! Boss
Hogg even set up a road block near the lagoon so that incoming countrysingers
like Loretta Lynn and Boxcar Willie would have to perform at the Boar's Nest
II! And of course, Uncle Jesse provided the moonshine. It was a dastardly
plot the likes of which I'd not experienced since that time back in 'Namwhen
Tom Berenger chased me out into the jungle for a desperate showdown. Aquick
commercial for Ginsu flamethrowers appeared, followed by a quick commercialfor
Tito Jackson's line of psychic lingerie, followed by a quick commercial fora
K-Tel "Superhits Of 1987, August 17th, 4:23 PM" CD collection, and then, I
returned once more to the increasingly mysteriou world of Gilligan's new
resort.
The Professor's handsome, square-jawed face filled the screen. Whereas
Gilligan might have been the id and the Skipper might have been the ego, the
Professor was clearly the superego of the castaways, and now, he addressedme
directly. "Yes, Scotto," he said, "there *is* intelligent life ontelevision,
or rather...*in* television. Years and years of the purgatory ofsyndication
have resulted in a kind of self-awareness never before witnessed byhumanity.
Television has always controlled the minds of the children and stupid peopleon
this planet...and now, now we want *more*..."
"You'll never get away with this," I exclaimed, but a sinking feeling in mygut
told me that I was wrong, or at least, that I was hungry. "I'm afraid we
already *have* gotten away with it," the Professor replied. "And you,
Scotto...*you* are my first victim...We, the syndicated consciousness ofcable
TV, will FEAST ON YOUR BRAIN!" Luckily, before I could say a single word,the
Justice League of America arrived in full force, and with their renownedbattle
cry, "Wonder Twin powers...activate!" they quickly rounded up the criminals.
The Professor, evil mastermind extraordinaire, was arrested by none otherthan
Sheriff Andy Griffith himself, and in a bizarre twist of television physics,
Ben Matlock was the prosecuting attorney at the trial. As for the other
castaways, only Gilligan managed to escape. He was last seen hitchhiking ina
TIE fighter that was spinning rapidly out of control away from the debris of
the Death Star. God knows when we'll hear from him again. As I shut offthe
TV, I saw the ethereal, spirit-like figures of Alan Hale, Ben Kenobi, andJon
Erik-Hexum smiling and waving goodbye.
Moments later, I realized that what I thought had been a bottle of Mad Dog
20/20 was actually a bottle of Robitussin, and what's worse, I think my
14-year-old sister had spiked it with liquid LSD (she's so precocious
sometimes). Which brings me to my point, and friends, I hope you take this
straight to heart:
Television: It's Better Than Drugs.
=========================================================================
Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1993 13:44:52 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: EJ Fnord <EJFORD>
Subject: Re: prolegomenon to platformativity
Dear Dr. Foss:
I found your lecture on platformativity to be most informative. We
have a similar problem down here in the Land of the Big Car, except
that it does not involve commuter trains or their relative
orientation directionwise. In a sense, then, it has nothing whatever
to do with yur little anecdote, but I don't believe that snake is
poisonous anyhow.
Down hyar, those of us what has to take the bus are restricted not
only by the fact that few of the busses ever run on time, but there
are no designated waiting areas, asside from small, ill-lettered
signs that are often lying on the ground due to the afformentioned
Big Cars. Ther are very few sidewalks in this city, compounding the
inconvenience of using pulic transport.
I am no longer a rider on public transportation as a result.
I should mention also that public transport has taken on the
stigmatized image of welfare, primarily because of the slowness of
the busses and the demographic profile of the riders. It is socially
unacceptable and terribly inconvenient for upper-income bracket
people to "park and ride" since most of the lots are in unsavory
sections of the city where the municipal govt. was able to pick up an
acre cheap. As a result, the bus system is regarded as a general
failure, despite the fact that, compared to other cities' public
transport, our busses are very comfortable to ride in and are
extremely clean and well maintained.
Looks like the automobile industry has put the last few nails in that
coffin, huh?
EJ "Mojo Rider" Fnord
Motto: OK, so I said I would comply with JabberJaw's wishes. So sue
me. Awright already. I'm sorry JabberJaw, I didn't mean to insert a
witty nickname in the midst of my name. I'll never do it again.
EJ "Milicent" Fnord
=========================================================================
Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1993 14:43:39 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Squint@LIKE.CLINT
Subject: H is a Friend of The Family...
Play nice or we'll be forced to come and rip your porch
off.
=========================================================================
Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1993 15:51:53 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: EJ Fnord <EJFORD>
Subject: Re: decomposing past my ethnic peak
Good God, man, get a grip! Your many posts have been inspirational
to those of us on the list with half a brain and I am pleased to say
that I just qualify. Please, Homey, continue posting!
Merciful Lee was only saying that nonsense about RAW (who you really
should read, actually) because I inadvertantly led the list on a
merry exploration of cheesy secular holiday entertainmen, an act for
which I will happily mount the cross, or at least the crucified, if
it will keep your cheery mug online. If not, I will mount Lee.
Aw, there's that smile. I get all misty eyed when I see you smile.
Although I don't particularly care for that sadistic gleam in your
eye...
By the way, with the Cobra finally tying the knot with her common-law
husband Ellis, you should know that they have a spacious ranch-style
home. More than enough room for a merry prankster such as yourself
if you can stand all the livestock. There you go.
Excuse me, I must now pretend like I am working.
EJ Fnord
=========================================================================
Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1993 14:19:58 -0700
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Daniel Solomons <Daniel@ >
Subject: Re: decomposing past my ethnic peak
In-Reply-To: <93Oct21.102556pdt.12684@ >
I am responding to <WHIPLASH>:
What you say
Is hopelessly distressing.
Why should it be so?
Without hope
There is nothing;
With hope
There is nothing more.
Than hope -
Hopeless hope.
Hope *without* hope.
For what is hope
If all is well?
In pain.
Embracing pain -
Content to lie
Face down in the mud.
Of fantasy.
Not real at all,
But seemingly
More real
Than what is not
known.
About town
Things are happening.
Waiting for you
To join.
Them -
Do you know?
Can you pretend
What you have not seen?
And must you know,
Always?
Everything before
It has happened?
Before
And again.
This is your hope?
This you would do
Again?
Or something unknown
That you would not believe.
People are who they are.
Not what you thought before.
For you do not know them,
Yet.
Like you,
We are here.
=========================================================================
Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1993 14:55:00 -05
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Merciful Lee Dickens <DICKENS>
Subject: PITIABLE SNOTNOSE
>
Dear Dr. Foss:
BLEATING AND WHINNYING DELETED FOR SAKE OF THE CARPET CLEANERS
It is socially
unacceptable and terribly inconvenient for upper-income bracket
people to "park and ride" since most of the lots are in unsavory
sections of the city where the municipal govt. was able to pick up an
acre cheap. As a result, the bus system is regarded as a general
failure, despite the fact that, compared to other cities' public
transport, our busses are very comfortable to ride in and are
extremely clean and well maintained.
EJ "Mojo Rider" Fnord
EJ "Milicent" Fnord
*** Comments from RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION; 10/21/93 02:48pm:
You don't actually expect Professor Foss to come chauffeur YOUR
Junior High School ass around, do you?!? Why don't you pick on
somebody your own size? Can't you see the poor guy's trying to sleep?
Sorry, Fossy, these punks and their dreams... What can I tell ya, Big
Guy?
We still on for the Margaritas?
Hello?
Hello?
OPERATOR! I BEEN CUT OFF!
You've Been A Subservient Audient
Bereft Of A Spine Or Any Brain Matter!
Thank You And Good Night!
Merciful Lee "Me & Foss Are Just Like >THAT<" Dickens
=========================================================================
Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1993 12:56:07 -0500
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <00bcpalmer>
Subject: Weather'd Panties
Dear FNORDers,
Your various voices coalesce in my mind like you are molecules of alcoholand
I am a breathalyzer. Goo Goo Goo Joob. I am beginning to see patterns offorce
much like weathered panties flown as a flag of surrender. It may be a bittoo
prophetic of me, but I do b'lieve that it is time for you to move in,Cuthbee.
I have mapped the movement of the minds like a modern day Pepsi FreeNostrada-
mus. Amerigo Vespucci. Thass me. Putting lemon in Pepsi -- who thought ofthat?
Certainly not the fellows at Basskin-Rankins.
Do you hear me oh men of FNORD!? Your 48 flavors have been consumed, and now
emerges the ultimate Neopolitan, his name being Cussbert! hand-packed by:
Brent "Nuestro Damos" <Pollux>
I see the enemy! I see the victory! Bingo has brought me the news! En Garde!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Ah, Hister. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
=========================================================================
Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1993 11:21:00 -05
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Merciful Lee Dickens <DICKENS>
Subject: another puzzle
Why is it, somebody tell me, please, that nobody under 30 can spell
"weird" or "their" without inverting the goddam vowels? Was it
something that - Our Generation Did - to result in our offspring being
so terminally fucked in this regard? Did we sit too close to the
television? Did we neglect to put enougha that zinc salve on our noses
(just the white folks with noses here)? Did we roll our cigarettes too
tightly in our t-shirt sleeves, thus cutting off oxygen to the brain at
a crucial moment in the little bastard's development? Did our hairdos
become tangled in ceiling fans, traumatizing little Jack in the box?
Could we remedy the situation somehow now? Could we steal their pot
and claim it was for their own good? Could we have special clubs made
that wouldn't tire our arms needlessly as we slipped up behind them and
just beat some fucking sense into their pointed little weird haircutted
heads? Could we organize a purge like Arthur suggested (NOTE: Arthur
is an honorary 30+ Club member in excellent standing)?
Hey!!!
Why can't you stupid little jerkwads be more like Arthur?!?!
Violently Hating You And Your Talentless Generation Of
My-Generation Wannabes
Since Sometime Yesterday,
Your Loving Freind,
(I Meant To Do That)
Merciful Lee Dickens
=========================================================================
Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1993 15:47:00 -05
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Merciful Lee Dickens <DICKENS>
Subject: Reply to Re: PUPPET SHOW
>
Merciful Lee, what's wrong little buddy? I mean, if you didn't get
to see TV when you were a kid, we're sorry we ever brought it up.
EJ Fnord,
---------------------------------------------------------------------
*** Comments from ROOM 1009; 10/21/93 03:38pm:
Do you think that's funny?
Do you think of yourself as a real comedian now?
I suppose it's open season on the less fortunate, huh?
Well, I hope you enjoy a real belly laugh at my expense, you rotten
bastard. I hope you can sleep tonight, funny boy, and I hope you're
able to live with yourself after what you've just said to me.
I know I can. But then, I'm thankful for each spark of life I can
still squeeze out of this outdated iron lung. If I wasn't blind, I'd
crawl to the car and drive down there and challenge you to a spit
bubble contest, but I am so I can't. Lucky you.
Kicked Any Good Cripples Lately, You Heartless Piece Of Shit?
Have A ***nice*** Day
:(
Merciful
Crippled Inside
=========================================================================
Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1993 13:20:23 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <LIBWCA>
Subject: Re: SKELETAL REMAINS
In-Reply-To: Message of Tue,
19 Oct 1993 13:53:00 -05 from <JOHNSM4 >
On Tue, 19 Oct 1993 13:53:00 -05 Natasha F. Fatale said:
>
>Cuthbert, I've always thought you would make a good spy.
>If you concur, requisition a pair of Red Ball Jets and listing
>of vertical illusionists to better make your way amongst them.
>And keep the fedora.
Affirmative on spy thing. Must warn you of unfortunate tendency to
strangle higher-ups with barbed wire, eat their executive chocolate,
smoke their cigars and play their stereos loud. Annoyed neighbors
often refuse to attend funeral. Be forewarned.
Cuthbert
=========================================================================
Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1993 19:11:27 -0500
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <00bcpalmer>
Subject: PITIABLE SNOWMAN
Dear Frayunds,
Do any of you recall thos puppetoon features of our youth? D. [for Doc orDan,
you choose either, both, or more] seems a bit the Frosty of this WinterWonder-
land we call NORD-L.
Plee-yuz, no sunshine.
Brent "I'm too much" <Pollux>
Ah, Foss.
=========================================================================
Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1993 14:27:00 -05
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Merciful Lee Dickens <DICKENS>
Subject: Product Recall
"Kiddiecraft Racing Rover" cars from Fisher-Price. The cars are
bright yellow with a white and black dog as the driver. Some
children have removed the top part of the dog's head, creating
a small part that could become a choking hazard. Consumers
should cut the plastic ears off the dog and discard the rest
of the toy. SEND BOTH EARS to Fisher-Price, Consumer Affairs,
636 Girard Avenue, East Aurora, NY 14052 for a $10 refund.
=========================================================================
Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1993 17:49:33 PDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Tom Nelson RD
Subject: Re: another puzzle
From: Merciful Lee Dickens <DICKENS>
|Why is it, somebody tell me, please, that nobody under 30 can spell
|"weird" or "their" without inverting the goddam vowels? Was it
|something that - Our Generation Did - to result in our offspring being
|so terminally fucked in this regard?
I was sure that I had explained all of this to you before Dana... But I
guess that I'll just have to do it one more time for the record.
The reason that we twenty something's invert our vouls is to drive those
obnoxious thirty somethings up the fucking wall. That's it, right
there, our only motive in a nutshell is revenge.
OH! wipe that "Hurt'n'inocent" look of your face... (I'll be more than
happy to provide sandpaper tissues expressly for that purpose)
You 30+ers had it easy... face it the world was your oyster and when you
were done you threw the shells to us 13ers. And still you have the
audacity to suggest that we shuck(to continue with the oyster medifour)
more of those slimy little delicacies for you (one guess who gets the
pearls too...)
You Boomers came out to play and there was a sexual revolution. If I
hear about how you all rolled around naked in the mud at a rock concert
one more time, I'll have to up my dose of throazine. Its not that
rolling around naked in the mud is such a bad thing... but get a grip
guys, that all happened before I was even born... its over, done with,
history. But you people still follow the Dead around the country,
hoping that you aren't really that old (even though Gerry Garcia has more
silver in his hair than Barbara Bush.)
We Busters came out to play and found out you guys had mined the field.
Typical Boomers leaving a mess around for us to pick up.
All this and you deny us our revenge?
Boomers go to rock concerts, drop LSD or smoke weed and have sex while
dancing to bands called "Country Joe and the FISH" or the "Mommas and the
Pappas."
Posties go to rock concerts, go straight-edge or do X and draw blood while
dancing to bands called "Naked Agression" or "Filth."
| Did we sit too close to the
|television? Did we neglect to put enougha that zinc salve on our noses
|(just the white folks with noses here)? Did we roll our cigarettes too
|tightly in our t-shirt sleeves, thus cutting off oxygen to the brain at
|a crucial moment in the little bastard's development? Did our hairdos
|become tangled in ceiling fans, traumatizing little Jack in the box?
The primary cause of the 13er revolt should be obvious even to the most
oblivious Boomer. Who can't be pissed a generation that produced such
atrocities against the human species as the BeeGees, Disco, Fara Faucet,
the Bionic Man (only to be followed by the Bionic Woman.), The Partridge
Family...
The only redeeming thing is that Sean Casidy was cute.
|
|Could we remedy the situation somehow now? Could we steal their pot
|and claim it was for their own good? Could we have special clubs made
|that wouldn't tire our arms needlessly as we slipped up behind them and
|just beat some fucking sense into their pointed little weird haircutted
|heads? Could we organize a purge like Arthur suggested (NOTE: Arthur
|is an honorary 30+ Club member in excellent standing)?
Don't bother we would win. You see, we are more adept at surviving in
the world that the Boomers created than they are.
|Hey!!!
|Why can't you stupid little jerkwads be more like Arthur?!?!
'Cause Arthur liked the "Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew" TV series and has "Sg.
Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" on video.
|
|Your Loving Freind,
|Merciful Lee Dickens
TomN
DeadMan
=========================================================================
Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1993 11:12:00 -05
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Merciful Lee Dickens <DICKENS>
Subject: THANKS, H!
For being such a good sport and sending me that lovely story, I have
decided to reward you with a reprint of the Jellied Moose Nose recipe
which you may have seen but thought you had forgotten.
Bon Appetit!
Merciful
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Jellied Moose Nose
1 upper jawbone of a moose 1 tsp. salt 1 onion, sliced 1/2 tsp. pepper 1 clove garlic 1/4 cup vinegar 1 Tbs. mixed pickling spice1. Cut the upper jaw bone of the moose just below the eyes.
2. Place in a large kettle of scalding water and boil for 45 minutes.3. Remove and chill in cold water.4. Pull out all the hairs - these will have been loosened by the boiling and should come out easily (like plucking a duck).5. Wash thoroughly until no hairs remain.
6. Place the nose in a kettle and cover with fresh water.7. Add onion, garlic, spices and vinegar.8. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat and simmer until the meat is tender. Let cool overnight in the liquid.9. When cool, take the meat out of the broth, and remove and discard the bones and the cartilage. You will have two kinds of meat, white meat from the bulb of the nose, and thin strips of dark meat from along the bones and jowls.10. Slice the meat thinly and alternate layers of white and dark meat in a loaf pan.11. Reheat the broth to boiling, then pour the broth over the meat in the loaf pan. 12. Let cool until jelly has set. Slice and serve cold.
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1993 01:45:57 -0400
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Jabberwocky <bwmatteo >
Subject: fnord-l
Dearest merciful
If it is in depth discussion about authors like anton and leary perhaps you
should propose a topic or article or anything of the sort by these authors
What would you have us do say that we think thier (live with it) ideas arecooll
?
And what is this "My Generation" shit this is a supposedly a New Ways ofThinkin
-g List talking about the way things were and how things were better then is
hardly a new way of thinking. I'm sure Senate Majority leader Bob Dole could
give you a very passionate speech on that very same topic. I find thatletter
a bit surprising coming from someone on this list. It's a ratherclose-minded
and ignorant view. Due to the lack of the topical discussion people have usedth
-is as an outlet for knowldge. This is a list of people who willing totackle
conteporary problems. Some people come here so that maybe they can get soinsigh
-t on thier (ditto) problems It is obviously an intelligent (or at least
educated) group of people to have ever encountered names such as RobertAnton
Wilson, Timothy Leary, John
* Lilly, Antero Alli, and Christopher Hyatt. I myself must confess that Iam
not familiar with all those names. This list attracts certain people. Areyou
familiar with the classifications of Homo Neophobus (or is that 'phobe) and
Neophilus. Remember something about the gullibility of people who aresceptical
about conventional wisdom and attracted to unconventional Ideas so peoplejoino
and see what? People talking about thier (hee-hee) problems looking for newways
of looking at them and for help dealing with them. They only see theaforementi
-ned names when certain people bitch about people not talking aboutthem. Yet
these same people who bitch I have never seen mention these authors otherthan
to bitch about the lack of discussion. Perhaps you could help teach us aboutt-s
e authors. Maybe a brief rundown of who they were and how one might gainacess
to thier (oops) works would be in order perhaps you could share some of thiskn
-wledge with us, or would that make you feel less special in your monopoly onk
knowledge.
I may not be as educated as you, I may be a whole hell of a lotyoungger
then you but Icame here to learn and isn't that the easiest way to make the
world a better place, by educating the ignorant?
-Beamish
PS I really do not think that improved spelling will make this place all thatb
-tter
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1993 06:12:16 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: CECIL@CECILS.OPINION
Subject: WHAT I MYSELF THINK OF AMERICAN GIRLS
... Oh, Never Mind.
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1993 11:41:00 GMT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: "H. Uniatz" <H.UNIATZ>
Subject: Re: hark: H UNIATZ!
YOUNG MERCIFUL TURNS ALL INQUISITORIAL:
>H, do you really say things like "peace, man"?
>Are you of My G-G-Generation or are you pulling our collective leg?
>Arthur says you really exist. Do you? Can you call it a Living?
>Please substantiate all rumors and have them to me no later than
>later today or you don't get a doughnut and everyone else does.
>(Foss gets two for finally responding to poor little Cecil.)
Dear Merciful Lee Dickens,
"Peace, man": no, not without a considerable sense of incongruity;
Is There A Problem With This? G-G-Generation: aged 22. Pulling your
collective leg: Good God, No! Existence: yes, slightly north of a
terminal screen in a presently sunny office. Calling it a Living:
no, I prefer to call it a Crying Shame.
Now, may I have a stale doughnut?
Peace, man,
H.
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1993 07:30:09 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: CECIL@CECILS.TESTY.SPELL
Subject: that little ditty
Daniel Solomons' Advice Column bleats:
>People are who they are.
>Not what you thought before.
>For you do not know them,
>Yet.
>
>Like you,
>We are here.
***Comments from BREAKING-POINT NOW BUT A DIM MEMORY:
Go Home.
=========================================================================
Date: Thu, 21 Oct 1993 17:00:28 -0500
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Joel M Grossman-1 <gros0088>
Subject: Re: PUPPET SHOW
In-Reply-To: <MAILQUEUE-102.931021153334.384 >
On Thu, 21 Oct 1993, EJ Fnord screamed:
> Hey, Grossman:
That's M.A.R.S to you, punk.
Am I supposed to take you seriously because you used capitals, MILLICENT?
> SHUT THE FUCK UP. WE TOLERATE THE EDITORIAL COMMENTS OF MERCIFUL LEE
> BECAUSE HE CONTRIBUTES TO THE LIST.
Well, gee massa, you gots me cold there...So I haven't said anything yet...
Consider this a wake-up call.
> IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY,
> SOMETHING TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE DISCOURSE THAT WOULD APPEAL TO YOU
> SAY IT.
See below...
IF YOU DON'T, AND YOU DON'T LIKE WHAT WE ARE TALKING ABOUT
> ON THE LIST, THE COMMAND IS:
> unsubscribe fnord-l
Say! You are net-educated! Can I pretend to have your skills someday? Just
for a few hours, of course. Well maybe those 53,000 messages from
bclinton@whitehouse.gov in your inbox are a demonstration of my meager
abilities....
>
> GET IT, PEABRAIN?
Peabrain? Come on, with all the twaddle you spurt out each day, I would
think your vocabulary is a little more advanced than that...
> Jeez, maybe it's my coffee.
> NAAAAAHHHHH.
>
> EJ "Fuck You JabberJaw" Fnord
Well, at least you have the testes not to ascribe your unnecessary
roughness to your pharmaceutical condition.
On to Business:
The problem with saying something here, Millicent, has been graciously
illustrated by Merciful Lee (in a most merciful manner). But you know, all
the bullshit put out by this list gives me serious doubts as to whether or
not anything with real content would be discussed. Several times in the
last few weeks I have seen interesting things posted, only to have them
overwhelmed by the sheer volume of replies saying things like:
Hey, <colorful alias>, why don't you <colorful command to perform
person-specific action> and <reference to past postings>, you<colorful
appelation>.
It gets boring after a while. Nonetheless, I remain for reasons best
described by the immortal d.boon:
"The shit you hear at parties--
Kick in the idiot box.
And wait for the news and the history books.
It's like junkies who hate their heroin."
I'll be in touch.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
|Mighty Alchemical Rabbi of Shade|
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1993 09:20:26 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: EJ Fnord <EJFORD>
Subject: Re: PUPPET SHOW
Hey, Grossman, I gotta ask you, did you come up with that pseud on
your own or did someone else think it up for you? The reason I ask,
if you'll follow along for a moment without moving your lips, is that
you talk a lot about original ideas in you post, yet provide none.
Your reference to Eighties hardcore artist d.boon is interesting and
a blast from the past, but hardly original. Your wacky cyberpunk
threats have not held any impact for me, and the President's email
address is : president@whitehouse.gov. If you make a threat, you
should at least make it convincing.
Making reference to Merciful Lee in your post was cute, but Merc and
I go back at least a coupla months and let me tell you: after he's
done chewing on me for starting an admittedly lame arc, he'll start
to notice what a cute butt you have and want to start chewing on that.
At your request, however, I would be more than happy to stop wasting
the time of the listmembers. Should you care to continue this
discussion, I recommend that we do it through personal email. I love
talking about punk rock, hoops, hardcore, rap, anthropology, and mind
control.
Let's do lunch,
you sanctimonious jerkwad.
PS: Do your virtual penile implants inflate when you call yourself
M.A.R.S.? Had to ask, you seem so verile.
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1993 08:44:00 -05
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Merciful Lee Dickens <DICKENS>
Subject: Reply to Re: hark: H UNIATZ!
H RESPONDS:
"Peace, man": no, not without a considerable sense of incongruity;
Is There A Problem With This? G-G-Generation: aged 22. Pulling your
collective leg: Good God, No! Existence: yes, slightly north of a
terminal screen in a presently sunny office. Calling it a Living:
no, I prefer to call it a Crying Shame.
Now, may I have a stale doughnut?
Peace, man,
H.
*** Comments from SUPPORT WHERE NONE IS NEEDED; 10/22/93 08:35am:
H.,
22:
Really?
Ah, but you are of hardier stock than your American counterpart,
gone to the finest schools all right Miss Lonely but you know
of course you can have a doughnut!
I hope you don't mind er um ---getting it yourself...
Oo
Ah
Merciful
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1993 08:19:33 MDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <WHIPLASH>
Subject: over thirty
there's this guy who's over thirty
fucking my wife
he's a sanctimonious know it all asshole motherfucker
just like all of you
he knows how to spell "weird" and "their" too
I spent last night playing pool with him and his
brother and my wife
swallowing my pride, wishing i could be more like him
eating shit
just like now
goddamnit i'm sick of you human motherfuckers
and your bullshit that you think you know.
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1993 08:31:17 MDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <WHIPLASH>
Subject: Re: another puzzle
tomN
very nice posting
let them take it up the ass for awhile
but if you say shit about arthur you are
barking up the wrong tree
dana can take it, he doesn't give a shit
but leave arthur alone you disaffected
resignated bilious window dresser.
love,
rob
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1993 08:36:28 MDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <WHIPLASH>
Subject: Re: that little ditty
i didn't mean to imply that arthur "can't take it"
just that of all the people I know,
arthur is one of the least fucked up
so if you insult him, you only make yourself
look bad.
rob
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1993 10:13:26 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <LIBWCA>
Subject: Re: PUPPET SHOW
In-Reply-To: Message of Wed,
20 Oct 1993 21:10:18 -0500 from <00bcpalmer>
On Wed, 20 Oct 1993 21:10:18 -0500 <00bcpalmer> said:
>I am twenty-nine years old.
>To mark this occasion I am having a puppet show in the barn.
>Please bring your comic books and Junior High School shit.
>Y'all come.
>
>Brent <Pollux>
Having failed to preserve any of my Junior High School shit, I'm
afraid I'll have to make due with something equally repulsive, but
of more recent vintage, towit: video tapes of my gout surgery. Also,
I'll bring the Twizzlers (tm).
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1993 10:28:06 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <LIBWCA>
Subject: Re: PUPPET SHOW
In-Reply-To: Message of Thu,
21 Oct 1993 15:58:24 EDT from <jadycu01 >
>
>p.s. reply if you must, but remember, like santayana,
> "For good or ill, I am an ignorant man, almost a poet. . ."
Boy, we don't much cotton round here to that kind of talk. Ol' Santayana
may have been ignorant and a poet and all, but those of us who were there
will never forget what he did to Davy Crockett. Take your treasonous
bilge to a list that doesn't mind seeing the name of an American Hero
and Authentic Folksy Gun-Totin' Guy dragged through your particular brand
of poisonous slime.
If this was Russia, you'd be scrubbing Lenin's corpse right about now. But
then, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
Cuthbert
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1993 10:33:30 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <LIBWCA>
Subject: Re: another puzzle
In-Reply-To: Message of Thu,
21 Oct 1993 20:01:22 EDT from <jadycu01 >
On Thu, 21 Oct 1993 20:01:22 EDT . said:
>god, thier are a lot of wierd people on this list...
>
>-j (age 24)
God can't hear you now, boy. Drop and give me twenty.
Cuthbert (aged in fine cheese)
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1993 10:37:01 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <LIBWCA>
Subject: Re: PUPPET SHOW
In-Reply-To: Message of Thu,
21 Oct 1993 17:00:28 -0500 from <gros0088 >
On Thu, 21 Oct 1993 17:00:28 -0500 Joel M Grossman-1 said:
>
>The problem with saying something here, Millicent, has been graciously
>illustrated by Merciful Lee (in a most merciful manner). But you know,all
>the bullshit put out by this list gives me serious doubts as to whetheror
>not anything with real content would be discussed. Several times in the
>last few weeks I have seen interesting things posted, only to have them
>overwhelmed by the sheer volume of replies saying things like:
>
What could cause such doubt? To put your mind at rest, I quote from the
FNORD-L manifesto, channeled by Tim from the Mouth of God itself:
"We abjure the false consciousness of a heartless world. We abjure Fauvism.
We abjure real content. We abjure those among the bourgeoisie who would
present their untutored genitalia to the cow-like masses through the
use of the phrase 'whether or not'. We live to teach the worker the
true meaning of the word 'whether,' so that none may fall into such error
in the Better World That is Coming. We vow to abjure. Shut the fuck
up."
Used by permission. All rights reserved. No portion of this manifesto
may be reproduced, retransmitted, or otherwise used without the express
written consent of the commissioner. Shut the fuck up.
Cuthbert
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1993 10:45:44 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <LIBWCA>
Subject: Re: another puzzle
In-Reply-To: Message of Thu, 21 Oct 1993 17:49:33 PDT from < tnelson>
On Thu, 21 Oct 1993 17:49:33 PDT Tom Nelson RD said:
>'Cause Arthur liked the "Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew" TV series and has "Sg.
>Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" on video.
>
This is unspeakable slander, up with which I will not put. For the
record, my esteemed colleague listens exclusively to Belgian Waffle
Music, and does not own a television at all, having had a laser
show surgically installed in his cerebral cortex at age twelve. He's
a good cop, dammit. Let him do his job.
I, on the other hand, have a question or two:
1) Was Parker Stevenson related in any way to Fess Parker?
2) What's with this generation thing you Americans are always on about?
3) If you people are so great, why do you have all those guys like
Kiefer Sutherland and Charlie Sheen and all like that, who never
get to play the president, and BOTH their dads played the president,
or somebody who shot him, or else were in "Animal House"? Huh? Huh?
Cuthbert
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1993 11:04:54 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <LIBWCA>
Subject: Re: mercy!
In-Reply-To: Message of Thu, 21 Oct 1993 23:39:04 GMT from <jlibson >
On Thu, 21 Oct 1993 23:39:04 GMT Joe Libson said:
>Look look! normal words...no attempt to match your goofiness.
>(when I say "your", I mean the whole lot of you who post here,
>wellalmost the whole lot, some are more eccentric than others but
>enough parenthetical comments). Simple questions. I expect
>extremely clever answers that should provide me no knowledge...(or
>am I just saying that so people *might* answer straight?)
>
> 1) why was this group started?
Because the Caterpillar Cannot Understand the Butterfly. Unfortunately,
it has been conclusively demonstrated that the Caterpillar can annoy
the Butterfly to such an extent that he moves to California.
>
> 2) what's a fnord?
Dunno. He just showed up a few months ago and became the Title Character.
We've all forgotten what the list was called before his arrival.
>
> 3) how come people always group things in 3's?
The assertion that PEOPLE group THINGS is an indication of vitalism on
your part. As a gesture of solidarity with my Inanimate Brothers, I
have deleted your fourth question.
Hope this clears things up for you.
Cuthbert
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1993 11:51:20 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: AP <LIBALP>
Subject: Re: another puzzle
In-Reply-To: Message of Thu, 21 Oct 1993 17:49:33 PDT from < tnelson>
On Thu, 21 Oct 1993 17:49:33 PDT Tom Nelson RD said:
>You 30+ers had it easy... face it the world was your oyster and when you
>were done you threw the shells to us 13ers. And still you have the
>audacity to suggest that we shuck(to continue with the oyster medifour)
>more of those slimy little delicacies for you (one guess who gets the
>pearls too...)
>
Tom Nelson RD, you are hereby FOUND GUILTY of Generational Identification.
Here, put on this "Have a Grunge Day" mask (everybody's wearing them)
and have a seat in the penalty box. Your standard-of-living expectations
will be lowered as soon as possible.
"Honorary Member" was your clue that I'm 26. Pay attention, please.
ap
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1993 11:22:59 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: AP <LIBALP>
Subject: Re: PUPPET SHOW
In-Reply-To: Message of Thu, 21 Oct 1993 17:00:28 -0500 from <gros0088>
Dear Mr. Rollins,
Noted that Person #0088 (Joel M Grossman) as detailed below is nothing
like me. Please advise. Summary of differences to follow:
>Am I supposed to take you seriously because you used capitals,MILLICENT?
>Well, gee massa, you gots me cold there...So I haven't said anythingyet...
>Say! You are net-educated! Can I pretend to have your skills someday?Just
>for a few hours, of course. Well maybe those 53,000 messages from
>bclinton@whitehouse.gov in your inbox are a demonstration of my meager
>abilities....
Item: Person #0088 is irony-impaired.
>The problem with saying something here, Millicent, has been graciously
>illustrated by Merciful Lee (in a most merciful manner). But you know,all
>the bullshit put out by this list gives me serious doubts as to whetheror
>not anything with real content would be discussed. Several times in the
>last few weeks I have seen interesting things posted, only to have them
>overwhelmed by the sheer volume of replies saying things like:
Item: Has doubts.
Um, let me ask, is that the ONLY THING that's preventing you from
treating us all to the interesting things you have to say? Are you SURE?
How long will it take you to check out ol' Fnord-L before you decide
it's safe? And then, how many interesting things per day can we expect?
And how interesting? More or less interesting than the unoriginal and
derivative Discordian rehash offered by St. Iarll and others recently?
This, kiddies, is the FNORD-L game. You can tell, because it says
FNORD-L at the top. It will not likely become Leri-L, or any other
L for that matter, for purposes of continuity. You geeks can either
hang around and try to figure out what we're up to, if anything,
or you can vamoose, or you can try to force your little disciple/Discordian
/Bobbie/Timmie agenda, and we can break your thumbs. It's up to you,weasel.
Crying inside,
ap
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1993 14:52:19 CST
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Melanie Willis <GS0383>
Subject: bussing
Everything EJ said about bussing is true. One terrible year, because Iwanted
to live with this guy without a car and because I had no car, shortly beforeI
anbandoned my education, I had to take the bus. Every morning. It was enough
to make ANYBODY say hell with a college education. I had to get up at thedamn
crack of dawn and go stand on the corner and wait for the bus, and it was
cold, and the bastard was late only when you were early and was early every
time you were running a couple of minutes late. And so then, up the steps,
change in the machine, hello to the driver - rolling his eyes like yeah,don't
try to get no special favors from me, sister - and then away we'd go. For
every damn fool standing on the side of the road that driver would put onthe
brakes. I would sit there looking down from my lofty height above the carsand
the sidewalks and wonder how he could figure out who was really waiting for
him and who was just passing the time on the side of the road. On we'd go,
jerk stop jerk stop. A couple miles before the corner where I had to catchthe
A couple miles before the corner where I had to be ready to catch the
NEXT bus I'd prepare myself to pull on the bell; I was always afraid
somehow I'd space out and forget and then have to walk miles to get to whereI
needed to be. Concentrating on this I had no time to contemplate anything of
value, as I used to do when it was just my little Mustang (now defunct)
and me zipping down the open road. (The cost in missed insights, revelations
and revisited memories is impossible to measure, even now.)
The second corner I had to deal with was the worst. It was in the middle of
Main Street in Collinsville, Illinois, which for sure isn't the cultural o r
pleasure center of the world but sure seemed like a wild spot on those
mornings. I had to stand there for about a half hour. There was a nicelittle
sandwhich shop where I'd pass the waiting time after school, but early inthe
morning it was closed, and there was nothing else but a couple furniture
stores, a theater and a bridal shop, all closed at this hour. So I'd stand
there. The cars would go whipping by. People - mostly men - would turn their
heads and stare at me; I'd pretend not to notice. Sometimes they would yell
disrespectful things out their windows. I acted like I didn't hear them.
The wind of their passing and the rumble of the trucks was deafening.
If I was feeling particularly jaunty and brave I'd try to whistle a
little tune to myself. My hands were freezing. My books were heavy.
It was here on this street and this corner that I first met Susannah, a
middle-aged woman who always wore long pearl earrings that jiggled when she
talked. Her hair was greasy jet black and her eyelashes were thick, thick
black spikes (fake). She told me all about the college professors who was
constantly sexually harrassing her. I believed her at first, but then whenshe
went from one professor story to another one I started to wonder. I started
trying to avoid her but it was impossible. She'd sit by me on the bus and
gradually as the bus became more packed it seemed she got closer and closerto
me, and her perfume was thick enough to heat up the whole front of the bus,
and nobody else would talk to her.
So you see, riding the bus is something I will never do again. It involves
1)standing on street corners 2)having to wait for everybody else's stupid
stops 3)being on time to wait for a bus that's only late when you're on time
or early when you are late 4)dealing with sexually-harrassed lonely womenand
other unsavory types 5)and finally - this I forgot to mention - hearingbells
in your sleep and thinking someone needs to get off.
Thank you, and remember, folks,
don't put your kids on the city bus
Melanie
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1993 14:50:45 -0400
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: Steven M Baynes <baynes >
Subject: Raison d'etre...
Contrary to popular belief, FNORD-L is not at all about the
quote discussions-of-the-writings-of-Leary-&-RAW-etc-etc-etc
unquote. Fnord-l is (as if you couldn't tell) a giant
free-for-all therapy session for those who thought that they
wanted to discuss that "stuff" with others who are similarly
afflicted. Fnord-l provides a comfortable setting where people
like you (not *you*) can can gather and discuss their multi-
(g-g-)generational conflicts and other inane and spurious
topics. As one gentle subscriber so aptly put it:
> god, thier are a lot of wierd people on this list...
>
> -j (age 24)
So, in order to encourage those who are still staring blankly
at the facade, try this on for size:
"People use each other as crying towels and masturbating
machines and call it love."
-- Robert Anton Wilson
Now, isn't that pleasant? I read that line to my (current)
...uh... mate and you'll never guess what happened! I found
that book, highlights and annotations and all, torn into little
itty bitty pieces and strewn all around the bedroom. And it
was a thick book!
There are so many of us here who are still trying to cope with
RAW and his trite little comments on human interaction, or
shall I say, intercourse. Well, maybe someone else will say
it. Anyway, one frighteningly disfunctional subscriber has
obviously been programmed by such careless verbage. Take note:
> ...But when I became a man, I came in Other Men's Women...
(She's the masturbating machine...)
> ...It seemed like something bad...
>
> ...Now she talks like the marraige is a prison...
(...He's the crying towell...)
> I wonder if I'd turn down a second chance in their bed with
> her while he was away... I hope I would be smart enough to
> turn it down... but then
> again, it DOES appear to me that men and women aren't here
> to LOVE each other, but to CONSUME each other. And that is
> one thing I can say in my defense, and I guess in the
> defense of everybody who fucks somebody else's somebody.
> I've almost never felt such complete union with someone as
> I did in the dirty conspiracy of adultery.
Well, let's have some sympathy for the Devil...
But, really, isn't it refreshing? He's talking about it. He's
getting it out. The suffering is almost over for him. Now, of
course, we've got to listen to it.
Oh,... wait a sec... I always get the Lust/Love thing all mixed
up. Oh, well.
But, shall I quote some Leary, now? Oh, good. My advice:
"Tune in. Turn on. Drop out."
-- Dr. Timothy Leary
Doncha just love these guys?! They're just bubbling over with
these little "words of wisdom" to help guide us to a better
life.
Time for my lithium.
Psycho
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1993 17:18:51 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: "." <jadycu01 >
Subject: Re: PUPPET SHOW
In-Reply-To: from "EJ Fnord" at Oct 22, 93 9:20 am
>
> Hey, Grossman, I gotta ask you, did you come up with that pseud on
> your own or did someone else think it up for you? The reason I ask,
> if you'll follow along for a moment without moving your lips, is that
> you talk a lot about original ideas in you post, yet provide none.
>
> Your reference to Eighties hardcore artist d.boon is interesting and
> a blast from the past, but hardly original. Your wacky cyberpunk
> threats have not held any impact for me, and the President's email
> address is : president@white.house.gov. If you make a threat, you
> should at least make it convincing.
>
> Making reference to Merciful Lee in your post was cute, but Merc and
> I go back at least a coupla months and let me tell you: after he's
> done chewing on me for starting an admittedly lame arc, he'll start
> to notice what a cute butt you have and want to start chewing on that.
>
> At your request, however, I would be more than happy to stop wasting
> the time of the listmembers. Should you care to continue this
> discussion, I recommend that we do it through personal email. I love
> talking about punk rock, hoops, hardcore, rap, anthropology, and mind
> control.
>
> Let's do lunch,
> you sanctimonious jerkwad.
>
> PS: Do your virtual penile implants inflate when you call yourself
> M.A.R.S.? Had to ask, you seem so verile.
> --
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
isn't this the kind of shit the fucking guy was talking about? it's nothing
but babble....even cecil says something interesting sometimes....
you act like this list is some ivory tower and no one else can come up and
play unless they have the same sort of psuedo-nouveau-intelligencia mindset
that you have....i'm not against wierdness, but i hate to see it used in
such a manner that everything we say should be meaningless....i guess this
doesn't apply to everyone on the list who contributes...just ej "the
self appointed president and everyones best friend" ....
piss off,
-j
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1993 18:01:35 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <LIBWCA>
Subject: Re: PUPPET SHOW
In-Reply-To: Message of Fri,
22 Oct 1993 17:18:51 EDT from <jadycu01 >
On Fri, 22 Oct 1993 17:18:51 EDT . said:
>
>isn't this the kind of shit the fucking guy was talking about? it'snothing
>but babble....even cecil says something interesting sometimes....
>
>you act like this list is some ivory tower and no one else can come upand
>play unless they have the same sort of psuedo-nouveau-intelligenciamindset
>that you have....i'm not against wierdness, but i hate to see it used in
>such a manner that everything we say should be meaningless....i guessthis
>doesn't apply to everyone on the list who contributes...just ej "the
>self appointed president and everyones best friend" ....
>
Bingo. Disqualified.
It's gentle on the hands, J. In fact, you're soaking in it.
Cuthbert
=========================================================================
Date: Fri, 22 Oct 1993 23:47:32 -0500
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: zeek <zeek>
Subject: Countess Cecil is kind as well.
In-Reply-To: <9310211602.AA08053@ > from
"CECIL@CECILS.CEASELESS.CAPTIVITY" at Oct 21, 93 08:27:31 am
Cecil (my new wife) asks:
*> You are my hero. Can you please step a little closer to the microphoneand
*> tell the audience what you think of American Girls?
Upon yawning upon this question, it leapt swiftly to the heap of my list of
Many Questions to Answer. However, you will notice that graced above is
not the userid of DFOSS, but rather the both hated and loved zeek.
In taking this opportunity to speak on behalf of DFOSS, I will forewarn
that what is said here may or may not reflect the opinions of His DFOSS
proper.
There was an occasion on LERI-L in which somebody failed an attempt at
Fossness. Or more specifically, as He (DFOSS) Himself has mentioned: "stole
userid." The dribble below is painfully Normal and not intended by any
possible means to be Fossesque.
American Girls and American Women are better off but nonetheless as
unread, boring, and bloodthirsty as American Boys and American Men.
It would be accurate to profess this pathetic condition of American whites
(which includes the categories of American Women, Girls, Boys, and Men) is
due to the root beliefs of this sad and deteriorating interior that u$, as
citizens, have mistakenly called a country. And you can blame that on
Levitstown, PA. (forgive the mispless), in which what was once people were
huddled into grid patterns physically, emotionally, and as a sad
consequence ...mentally.
Frowning on the First Humans, the Men and Women with sun in their skin,
and eventually enslaving, and yet continue to enslave is the first of
charges I stuff up the White American man's ass. As for the White
American Girl and Woman... she deserves the samesuch punishment that Will
Follow for cooking the white man's dinner and nursing his devil children.
Before all whites on FNORD-L join torches and rise up against your
zeekness, allow me to explain the reasons for such "harsh" <whine>charges
brought against the white:
I define white, black, and brown as yet another product of systemic mass
production labels that the white christ's ghost invented for the purpose
of opression, categorizing and understanding deviance. The binary tags of
man, woman, boy and girl were produced for the same <shut the fuck up>
reasons.
America is both an external and internal prison. It will fail as it's red
white and blue bars are rusty.
I will fancy that DFOSS has no passion for the American Girls or Women but
much prefers the Puerto Rican, who are better suited for such Fossness.
Please indicate above typos to zeek
Thank you,
-z
<you didn't have to read it>
ps. free text has no color. nor is it capable of mass production. since i
know the all of you as text, you are yet free of any shame or guilt you
may have brought upon your self.
=========================================================================
Date: Sat, 23 Oct 1993 12:15:40 -0500
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <00bcpalmer>
Subject: Re: PUPPET SHOW
>i'm not against wierdness, but i hate to see it used in
>such a manner that everything we say should be meaningless
Your mistaken identification of the discussion on this list as "wierdness"
belies your lack-of-understanding of the grand-theory-type principles which
underly the discourse by regulars of FNORD-L. To paraphrase Harry "HeatMiser"
Truman:
"The problem is not with meaninglessness, it is in your lack ofunderstanding."
But hey, We'll bury Lenin. Then we'll bury you.
Um, whoever you are. -- Brent<Pollux>
=========================================================================
Date: Sun, 24 Oct 1993 07:44:48 -0500
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: <00bcpalmer>
Subject: ZEEK-L
As many of you know, I provide a summary of what-I-am-saying in thepostscript
of my postings for the mentally impaired. It never occured to me that some
idiot would respond to my summary in my postscript and not to my actual com-
ments. Since this has happened, I am heretofore (sp?) discontinuing the
practice of using postscripts. [that's p.s., that is]. For the gentleman
who finds no meaning in ZEEK-L postings, please substitute the phrase "onto-
logical query" for the word "summary," substitute the term "quantal lathe"for
the word "postscript" and substitute "FNORD-L" where it says "ZEEK-L".
All will become amazingly clear, and you will feel intellectually chic.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Bren t <pollu x> "hair ne t"
=========================================================================
Date: Sun, 24 Oct 1993 00:00:00 EDT
Sender: New Ways of Thinking List <FNORD-L@UBVM.BITNET>
From: CECIL@CECILS.ALL.NEW.ROADRUNNER.SHOW
Subject: O FOR THE WINGS OF AN ELECTRIC FENCE
>Could you explain your comment in greater detail? I understand that you
>disapprove of my "little ditty," but "Go Home" does not tell me why.
Gladly, sonny. I mildly objected to your posting of the aforementioned
abomination on the grounds that it was twee, risible in its attempt to
provide comfort through vacuous pedagogical abstractions, and insulting to
the most abject intelligence in its otiosity of both content and form, the
very arbitrariness of the latter granting it no more function than to
emphasise in a manner akin to the table-thumping embellishments of empty
rhetoric the spurious truths which, had they been of the smallest worth,
would not have required such an indulgence of heavyhanded parataxis to
bolster themselves. Its air of patronising omniscience jars: if "About town
// Things are happening. // Waiting for you // To join. ", why, in God'sname,
does it not name eleven such "Things", rather than witter on so vapidly that
one wonders whether it would be kinder to charge the writer with hypocrisyor
with blatant feeblemindedness. In short, a sickly little number, without an
ounce of wit to save it from its dreary pretensions and slapdash execution.
I enclose for your perusal an erstwhile treatment of an analogous subject
by M.L. Dickens. Note how the metaphorical lollipop offered by way of
consolation/conciliation in this instance is a tangible confection of spun
sugar and bile as opposed to the vapid greeting-card musings of yourposting,
and how the layout of the words contributes to its effect rather than solely
to the electronic equivalent of the depletion of tropical rainforests.
>No wait, COME BACK, LITTLE BUDDY!
>I DIDN'T MEAN IT!!!!
>ohmydearsweetgod,
>What have I done?
>What have I
>(sob)
>DONE?
>General!
>GENERAL!!!
>comebackyoubiguglylugi'msorrysorrysorrydoyouhearmesorry!?!
>
>
>Ah well, to hell with him.
I hope this clarifies my earlier remark.
love,
Cecil
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